You know you’re not a femme when all you do before you leave the house is change your shoes, grab your vest and give the dog a treat. Okay, maybe you put on your baseball cap, but you already know whether it’s an Ace Hardware or Yankees or Xena hat day.

What with the Butch Cook Book due out this summer, I have a feeling we’re going to be asked for some definitions of butch pretty frequently. “We” being the editors, contributors, girlfriends, booksellers and anyone else in the vicinity of the book. The Pianist and the Handy Dyke and I had innumerable discussions, short and long, while driving or testing recipes or walking on the beach or sitting on the deck — and never came to any conclusions.

There is no definition, of course. Try as we might, no one with whom I have discussed the subject has been able to explain with certainty what makes a butch a butch or a femme a femme. Except one of the contributors to the Butch Cook Book, Frenchy Tonneau, a woman who personifies the arrogance associated with much of butchdom. She once commented, when I told her about a diatribe I’d read that criticized the concept of femme and butch, “Why doesn’t she go back to men if she’s so scared of real dykes?”

Frenchy has become a bit sore about the way her own people sometimes belittle her because she is proudly butch. Yet even she can’t give a list of qualities associated with the lesbian genders. I called her recently and she tried again. “You’re a butch if you’re attracted to femmes. Except wait, even I fell for another butch once. And what if a femme falls for a woman who looks butch, but thinks of herself as femme? The other thing is,” she went on, “how you act in bed. Like, who starts things. It’s always the –“ she paused. “Let’s not even go there.” She was more confident when she said, “And it sure as hell isn’t who does the cooking. My spaghetti can’t be beat. Unless you mind the burnt stuff on the bottom of the pan.”

My friend the pixie, who self-identifies as a femme, wrote me: “I can tell a butch because I never get twitterpated with femmes.”

My sweetheart and I stumbled on yet another theory one day when, she, in the South, and I, in the Northwest, were on the phone. We both needed to run out to our local supermarkets, but couldn’t bear to part. We hung up, planning to reconnect when we got home. I drove to the far side of town to find a long list of items, returned some library books, chose some others and stopped at the post office to wait in line, cursing at the delay. I wanted to get home and talk to my sweetheart forthwith! Back at the house, I donned my Bluetooth earpiece and, not to lose any time, used voice command to connect with her.

She was just getting in her car.

I didn’t say a word, I swear. She sounded appealingly, coyly, sheepish when she explained her ritual. Before leaving, she’d had to change into an unwrinkled t-shirt. Her long hair needed brushing and a hair band. She’d applied a moisturizing lipstick. Of course she needed sunglasses in the South, but first she had to hunt them down. Her nail polish had chips so she repaired those. She found her purse (I didn’t ask where) and then got some gum to put in it. Finally – almost — my sweetheart got the garbage ready and put a new bag in the can, replaced the CDs she’d taken from her car and made her bed. This was all done possibly, but not necessarily, in that order. When, back home, I called, she was leaving for the dumpster and then the store.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Neither could she. We had found the key to identifying the difference between butch and femme: how long it takes a femme to venture out into the world!

Then I remembered another relationship, another femme, and how frustrated she’d get while waiting for me to get ready to leave the house. Maybe she wasn’t really a femme? Maybe I’m not really a butch?

Copyright 2008 Lee Lynch

The post The Amazon Trail: You Know You’re Not a Femme first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Makeup is a loaded subject. Is it just for femmes? Can I be femme and hate makeup? Can I wear makeup if I’m masculine of center? Are all women acquiescing to a ridiculous societal standard of beauty by smearing chemicals into our pores?

Let’s not delve too deep into that today other than admitting that as humans we all have a bit of an ego and we like to look our best. On you’re wedding day, when you are going to be in about a million pictures, makeup is the best way to achieve that.

I know. You’re a boi and you don’t wear makeup. Let’s be real. Do you want to remember the horrible stress pimple that popped up the night before the big day? You don’t want that pimple in pictures, commemorated for all time. So let’s get to it.

Clear skin and defined features are the best way to give good face without getting too fussy about it. I’m going to recommend light foundation, concealer if you need it, brow gel/pencil and clear mascara. This will perfect your skin and make your eyes stand out with out anyone realizing that you’re actually, gasp, wearing makeup.

If you are prone to oily skin, or if you have a summer wedding and you might be sweating through your tux, give yourself a quick once over with a translucent powder. Physicians Formula is available at any drug store and the price is right for anyone on a wedding budget. Finish the look off with a little of your favorite lip balm.

If you want to go crazy you can add a little guyliner, Shane style. Personally, I can’t resist a boi in guyliner.

Pro tip: If you’ve never applied makeup before, have someone else do it for you on the big day. Maybe a member of your wedding party, a sibling, cousin or BFF who is good with makeup. Don’t be shy. Whomever you choose will probably be flattered that you are trusting them with your face on the one day everyone will be looking at it.

FACEPAINT FOR ALTERNA-FEMMES
The femme community is usually painted with the same brush, which is crazy because there are as many different ways to be femme as there are stars in the sky. If you are femme and don’t usually wear makeup, follow the same advice I gave the bois and even out your skin tone and accentuate your eyes. Maybe add a touch of lip gloss in a color that will subtly enhance your lips and a swipe of blush on your cheeks to complete the blushing bride look. You’ll still look like you, only more radiant!

Normally bridal looks are heavy on neutral tones and traditional up-dos. If you are a lady with a love of stylized feminine looks, you might want to go for something more dramatic. Pick your favorite, can’t live without beauty product and build a look around it. It’s your wedding and the only rule is to look fantastic. Let’s break some rules.

Brides tend to be told to stay away from a red lip. But if you love to rock a signature red lip, wear it on your wedding day. I recommend starting the day with a quick lip exfoliation. If you are getting ready at home, mix sea salt and olive oil and gently scrub your lips with your finger. In a pinch, gently rub your toothbrush over your lips while your brushing your teeth in the morning, then moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!

Remember you are going to be doing a ton of kissing on your wedding day. So wear something that won’t rub off on your partner. I swear by Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics Lip Tar. It stays all day (sometimes even until the next morning) and won’t rub off on your partner as long as it’s dry. You can also try a lipstain, like Covergirl’s Outlast Lipstain. It won’t even feel like you are wearing lipstick and you can reapply gloss or moisturizer throughout the day without losing color. If you are going to be using a new color or product, give it a few test drives before the big day.

Brides are also usually steered away from a dark smokey eye in favor of a more natural look. But if the smokey eye is your jam, there’s no need to skip it.

For some women, neutral colors are traditional and gorg and for others they are a snoozefest. Don’t feel like you can’t express your personality by adding your fav colors or bling to your look. Check out some of my recs below.

The post Lez get married: Makeup for girls and bois first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Image via Saint Harridan

“If you’re dating a woman who looks like a man, then why don’t you just date men?” We femmes hear this question far too often. Granted, most of the time we get this question it is just some jerk trying to get under our skin, but as unbelievable as it may sound, there are still some people who look us in the eye and ask because they truly wonder. The moment someone asks why I don’t just date men, they are telling me that they have no understanding or appreciation of what it means to be a woman. People with these questions are saying that their idea of a woman is based solely on physical appearance.

If we put traditional ideas of masculine and feminine on two ends of a spectrum, most of us fall somewhere in between. It is society, the  media, and the idea of “traditional roles” that put men on one side and women on the other. My spectrum does not have men. I am a lesbian, and being attracted to the more “masculine” end of the spectrum does not change that. At its core, when someone asks the question, “If you’re dating a woman who looks like a man, then why don’t you just date men?” what they’re really saying is, “You’re dating a woman and she does not fall within my limited mold. It makes me uncomfortable and so does your sexuality.”

Read more at TaggMagazine.com

Tagg Magazine is a print and online resource for LBT women in the DC Metropolitan and Rehoboth, DE areas

The post On loving butch women first appeared on Lesbian.com.

There’s been a lot of buzz around the internets lately about Femme identity. I am unsure where the controversy began but I think it had something to do with this post on how to spot a queer Femme by Fuck Yeah Femmes. The curator of that Tumblr sent me a message asking me the following question:

Hi Bevin! I’m glad you liked my list of femme traits and tell-tale signs, I am interested to hear what you think could be appended to the list! Some people commented that the list was not “inclusive” enough and I definitely didn’t intend it to be definitive. Those are only my ideas, certainly a broader picture will emerge if many different femmes give their perspective as well. So here goes: “Ways to Tell a Queer Femme is Queer?” “Ways to Get a Femme Girlfriend?”

FYF certainly didn’t write a definitive list. I mean, it’s totally subjective and I read it as a playful narrative, almost a fantasy sequence. I love it because I see so much of my unbounded Femme sisters in it. I also understand the question about determining whether a queer femme is queer. It can be so frustrating to feel that we are “hiding in plain sight” and the chance to teach someone how to see us is really exciting. (As a side note, I plan to answer “Ways to Get a Femme Girlfriend” in a later post.)

Spot a Femme in the Wild. The Femme author in her natural habitat, on stage. At my birthday party doing 9 to 5 at Rock N Twang Karaoke at my second favorite BBQ restaurant in NYC,Hill Country BBQ. It was so fun. I’m wearing a lei made of cookies and sex toys, a gift fromKit Yan.

The problem is, there is no one “us.” Identities like Femme are deeply personal and there’s no one way to be Femme. There are certainly overlapping characteristics and generalizations that exist–which is how we find each other and create community. Tenderly paw in paw we find ourselves a niche (or several) in queerdom. But it is essentialist to say “This is a trait common amongst Femmes,” because as soon as you think you’ve isolated one commonality about Femmes you’ll find a whole pile of Femmes who belie that trait. This is simultaneously awesome and complicated when you’re trying to spot a Femme in the wild.

Spot a Femme in the Wild. The Femme author in her secondmost natural habitat, the dance floor. Photo by the ever so talented Amos Mac at Stay Gold in San Francisco

Personal identities are fluid. I’m in my thirties and while I settled into Queer Fat Femme about a decade ago, there are a few permutations I enjoyed for awhile but have since moved away from. I don’t feel comfortable with the term “High Femme” anymore. I think some people use it to mean ever so very Femme or indicate some extreme extent of feminine expression. I’m totally a girl who will wear bright make-up at all times of day or night and I feel completely comfortable over-dressing for any occasion because my self-expression matters more to me than fitting in. However, using the term “High Femme” just sounds like hierarchy to me.

I totally understand that it is a term steeped in history and tradition, and anyone who self-identifies as High Femme is fine by me. But in terms of my Femme expression and identity, I prefer to think of us as living in this gorgeous glittery rainbow venn diagram of overlapping adjectives, none “higher” or “lower” than another semantically or otherwise.

Is this splitting hairs? Likely. Do I care? No. My personal identity is exactly that, personal and individually tailored to who I am. It gets to be as nuanced as I care for it to be.

Also, let’s keep in mind the heart and loins are complicated entities, their relationships with the individuals they’re attached to change often. We’re all going to be queer for a long time* and probably do queer really different twenty years from now.

Fancy Femme? Flamboyant Femme? Giant Eyelashes Femme? How Many Blingies Can I Fit in My Hair Femme? I Do the Opposite of Coco Chanel and Add One Accessory Before I Leave the House Femme? Photo by Dee Dean Leitner from the Hard French Winter Ball.

Discussion of fluidity aside, let’s get down to brass tacks. How do you spot a Femme in the wild? I’m going to approach it from a different angle, which is share with you how I determine if someone is queer in the wild (leaving Femme out of it momentarily).

One thing I do is assume everyone is queer until they out themselves as straight. Straight people don’t have to worry about the pronoun game, and generally not particularly strategic about telling you genders of the folks they do it with. This game works for me a lot, especially because I typically out myself right away. Usually when you do that your fellow queers will find some way to out themselves and you’re basking in mutual rainbows of recognition.

When this doesn’t work and I spot no visible gay signifiers (Ani DiFranco tattoos, gay lady jewelry), I either ask them directly or ask their friends.

Asking directly works for me because I have the sort of inquisitive personality and ability to put people at ease that nine times out of ten makes people feel okay telling me things. This is why I am a talk show host. However, this doesn’t always work and going to the friends to find out is great. This is also what I do when I want to know if someone is single and I am too shy to ask them.**

Now to deal with the Femme question. I think a casual, “So do you identify as Femme?” directed at the person is okay, but this question needs to be addressed with a lot of sensitivity and care. You may be Femme positive, but the person in question may not. I remember being told, just after coming out, “You’re a LIPSTICK lesbian!” and I felt so shamed about it! I didn’t know there were Femme positive communities out there, I didn’t know being feminine could be empowering and get me laid.

Casually dropping hints about Femme positive websites you visit or events you’ve been to/wish you could go to is a nice way of fleshing out identity and creating a safe space for that kind of stuff. Also a nice way to heavily hint about queer stuff.

And here’s the thing I’ve discovered through my personal relationship history anecdata: I’ve never seriously dated anyone who was Butch identified. I am super Butch postive, lord knows I love me a fat Butch. But, what I find attractive in another human is far more complicated than even personal queer identities. So if you’re out there looking to “spot” a queer Femme, I mean, maybe the Femme part isn’t as important. You do you, go to the kinds of events that have the kinds of people you want at them (or start those events), the right people are going to cozy up to you and you’ll be basking in the magic of the great rainbow queer venn diagram in no time.

*Hat tip to Glenn Marla for that nugget.
**Friends are great for the single question, too, because they’ll give you the real scoop. Relationship status is sometimes even more complicated than identity. “Poly but complicated rules,” “Single and totally off the market dealing with serious life stuff,” “In five long distance relationships and only looking to date locally.”

Originally published on QueerFatFemme.com

Bevin Branlandingham is your femmecee at QueerFatFemme.com where she chronicles the relentless pursuit of her joy.

The post Ways to tell a queer femme is queer first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t.

BY KATY RAY
Tagg Magazine

We’ve all been there before: a straight guy does a double take when he sees you holding hands with your girlfriend at the mall. A grocer accidently fumbles your tampons when you mention your unusually cantankerous wife at home. Your boss walks by your desk and sees a picture of you with your partner and asks, “Oh, is that your sister?” Each and every one of us femmes encounters these and other social situations daily; where our sexuality is not only brought into unnecessary light, but also evokes an inescapable impression of shock and surprise in the guys that comprise our lives. Let’s face it, we femmes present as lipstick-loving, tight-dress wearing women. And the straight world still hasn’t been able to conceptualize the idea that we women do, in fact, love and make love to other women.

I fear I’m starting to develop a mild case of hetero-phobia. Whenever my straight girlfriends ask me to join them for a night on the town, my anxiety flares up and a series of awkward social situations, uncomfortable conversations, and inevitably agitating encounters flash before my eyes: “But you’re too pretty to be a lesbian.” “You just haven’t found the right man yet!” “Well, if you ever need a sperm donor…”

Read more at  TaggMagazine.com

Tagg Magazine is a print and online resource for LBT women in the DC Metropolitan and Rehoboth, DE areas.

The post Femme problems: ‘But you don’t look like a lesbian!’ first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Solid red on both hands. Switch.

BY BEVIN BRANLANDINGHAM
QueerFatFemme

One of the things I love to do with my blog is help my dear readers learn how to see Femmes in the wild. I also like to help folks communicate desire. I also hope everyone reading this blog gets as laid as they want to, and if that is very laid it is helpful to know how to communicate desire. There’s this trend happening amongst Femmes that I want to hip y’all to. In order to encourage you to follow it if that is your calling and, more importantly, look out for so you can see what is being subtly communicated to you!

Okay, first of all, let’s review the hanky code for those of you who are living under a gay rock and have not been peeking out from behind it. The hanky code is a way of visually indicating sexual and/or kink desires to other folks without having to introduce yourself. Like, “Hi, I’m Bevin. I like biting.” Way less smooth than just saying, “Hi, I’m Bevin,” while throwing a 2-3 second lingering eye contact the way I try to do when I am being my most Femme predator self. A houndstooth hanky delicately slipped into the back left pocket tells all without having to put words to it, leaving your words to do other things.

Here’s a great synopsis of the very vast hanky code from the awesome blog Flagging Opinicus Rampant. I also highly recommend a read of that blog’s about page for a more feminist read on the hanky code, and I am highlighting this quote from their about page for the good basic reminders of what flagging does and does not do:

Basic Rules of Flagging
Flagging is not consent.
Flagging means being cool with being propositioned, being rejected, and having the capacity to reject.
Flagging is pan gender (you can’t assume someone’s junk from a flag).
There are no anti-flags.
Flagging is slut pride.

Flagging is great because it’s a pro-active “this is what I like.” It keeps things positive. Also, it’s hard to communicate from a hanky that you’re into doing a certain act only under certain circumstances, like I’m houndstooth often but I really have to be super attracted to someone in order to bite. But since biting is only some people’s thing it is nice to know when that compatibility exists.

Me, flagging wild heart: switch (on both hands).

Anyway, onto the trend. Flagging with nailpolish!! Usually an accent finger on the corresponding hand. I love it!

Hankies are a great accessory and the fact that they can communicate desire is wonderful. I know some masculine spectrum folks who flag literally every day.

As a Femme it can be really hard to play the hanky game. I used to use my bra strap sometimes, like tuck a hot pink hanky in the back so it flapped around, letting everyone know I was both into a certain activity and also prepared in case someone needed a hanky.

I gave up flagging on my bra strap or purse strap awhile ago, but I still carry a vintage hanky with me wherever I go because they are endlessly useful. Summertime when you get a little sweaty (I mean “glowing”) after walking somewhere in the humidity. At the beach when I inevitably get sunscreen in my eyes. At the movies when I cry. On the subway when I accidentally listen to the saddest Lucinda Williams song and cry. When a friend tells a story and I cry. When another friend starts crying and I have a way to be chivalrous and nurturing.

As a Femme alternative I’ve seen this awesome accessory floating around, handmade hanky rosettes.

You custom order the rosette and leaf in whatever colors you want to flag with, pin it to your lapel or boot or clip it into your hair on the correct side and voila. Great for dandies and Femmes or Femme Dandies. But it’s twenty bucks and not as endlessly versatile as nail polish.

If you are a nail polish oriented Femme, as I am, it is likely you have a pretty big pile of nail polish in your fleet. Sinful nail polishes are cheap at Target and basically span the rainbow. I also really like Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear (that color is mint green, great on the left for Mommy tops). Also Nail Strips make complicated patterns possible, like houndstooth.

There is a whole Tumblr dedicated to Femme Flagging, with a forum for fleshing out new additions to the hanky code. Lots of folks have been doing one finger on one hand for the flag, but others have been doing two (or three) “fucking fingers” as the flag.

Flagging “glitter fist” which is basically my sexuality in a nutshell.

Cruise that tumblr! You’ll see so many different flags and femmespiration for it. I think the best part of the Femme diaspora is that there are truly millions of ways to do Femme, so because of that, there are infinite creative ways to use nail polish to flag. Also learning how to see Femmes is a practice, get some training in on seeing what Femmes have to communicate in their own words.

Some creative flags:

Daddy top into other POCs.

Kink & Sex Magic.

Extremely filthy thoughts.

I have been a fan of the accent finger for a long time, mostly because I love glitter polish but find the removal a hassle so it’s easier when it’s only on one finger. Thus, I tend to do an accent finger with glitter. But ever since Femme Flagging with nail polish has been trending my flags have been called out multiple places, including instagram and at parties, by other Femmes. It’s always really nice to be seen.

You may be wondering what’s the best way to call someone out on their flag? Here are a few guidelines:

1. Carry a hanky code around so you can decode what it might be. I think there are apps for this. A truly geeky ex-lover of mine had it laminated and gave me a copy. She was geeky in the hottest ways. Being geeky is sexy and it’s nice to say “Are you flagging red on the right?” knowing what the answer to that flag is.

2. Ask the Femme. “Hey. Are you Femme flagging with that manicure? What does that say?”

3. Ask the Femme. “Hey, I haven’t seen that color in awhile, what does that mean?”

Flagging dashed hopes.

4. Don’t yuck someone’s yum. If you determine the answer to not be your thing, it’s cool. Just say, “Wow, that’s interesting/cool/it looks pretty.” And remember, just because someone is flagging it doesn’t mean they’re trying to get it in with you.

5. Be open to conversation. The best part about flagging is the conversation starter it can be. It’s really sexy to be able to flirt through some flags you’re into. “I’m generally into light blue but always into light pink and grey flannel,” is a hot text.

So, anyway, keep your eyes peeled! Get creative! Express your desires!

Originally published by QueerFatFemme.com

Bevin Branlandingham is your femmecee at QueerFatFemme where she chronicles the relentless pursuit of her joy.

The post Femme flagging: Visibility and expressing desire first appeared on Lesbian.com.

A look from Lavender’s Jungle

BY JEN WOO
dot429

Celebrating full figures and special events, Lavender’s Jungle, founded by La Krishna Joseph-Baker and her wife, caters to women sized 14-24. Since joining the fashion scene last year, the line has been featured in New York’s Full Figured Fashion Week, the largest full figure fashion show to date.  The line currently consists of two collections: Lavender’s Jungle features high fashion, runway inspired, ready to wear pieces; Junglewear showcases club attire, “after five party wear,” and street wear.

Another beautiful ensemble.

Joseph-Baker explained that she is often contacted by full-figured models, actresses and artists unable to find clothes on set to fit them, that were told to find theirown styling teams. “When you have to memorize hundreds of lines or give your best performance the last thing that should be on your mind is, ‘Will there be clothes on set to fit my body type?’ I want all women to have confidence in themselves and be able to put their best foot forward no matter the occasion.”

Read more at dot429.com

The post Lavender’s Jungle: High fashion for full-figured femmes first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY BEVIN BRANLANDINGHAM

I know some folks whose dating histories are full of first timers on the road to Lesbianville. I have plenty to teach a queer newcomer but that just has not been my path, I’ve never been the first queer for a straight person. However, I am often the first Femme folks have ever gone on dates with or slept with. It’s kind of fun to introduce people to what Femme can be and shattering stereotypes. I find most folks who haven’t dated Femmes before me had a lot of really intense ideas about what Femme is or is not and what Femmes do or do not do.

This also has the bummer byproduct of hearing a lot of femmephobic things from folks who are otherwise attracted to me but who are somehow intimidated or otherwise put-off by my Femme characteristics. This has happened a few times and I’m always left wondering if folks really mean they don’t want to date Femmes or they just don’t want to date me. Frankly, I would be less offended if it was the latter because I think most of the time it speaks to unexamined misogyny and Femmephobia to declare that you don’t date Femmes or aren’t attracted to Femme characteristics. Further, just because you might not be into Bevin’s brand of Femme doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be into other brands of Femme.

Here I am dressed like a gay Narwhal on a queer booze cruise in May. Heather is also pictured.

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I see Femme as a diaspora of femininity. There are a lot of definitions of what Femme means to folks, sometimes this is an identity that is static and sometimes it is fluid and only applies some of the time or to some elements of peoples’ identities. I think Femme is a really sparkly umbrella big enough to fit over all of us. Femme is a venn diagram of femininity and empowerment and the way it manifests on different bodies and sexualities is extremely varied. For some Femme is a gender. For me Femme is how I fit into my sexuality but my gender is something else entirely, much more Muppet.

If we’re coming from a place of acknowledging there are so many different ways to be Femme, why is it valid to make a blanket statement that people aren’t attracted to Femmes at all?

I also want to make it clear that this post is as much addressed to Femme-identified folks who don’t do Femme on Femme Action (FOFA) as much as non-Femme identified folks.

I’ve addressed this tired line before, focusing on debunking Femme as high maintenance. Now I want to focus on shifting desire and whether the idea that one can actually say they all the time never are attracted to Femmes.

Also, gender presentation is such a mystery. Sometimes it changes! And chemistry and desire are such mysteries, but I think desire is the kind of thing that can be cultivated.

I was talking about this with my pal Quito on a boat cruise on the East River a couple of months ago. Quito is someone who I said once their gender was Gonzo and they enjoyed that description. They were really sweet, openly sharing about being intimidated about dating Femmes. Quito said that the Femmes they know are really ferocious and embodied in their identity. Quito’s eyes got big when they said it and there was more and I wish I had taken more notes. But I understood that they were intimidated.

It’s an interesting statement because while there’s a lot of ferocity there is also a lot of tenderness. Most of the fiercest Femmes I know are pussycats on the inside. I also am reminded of the constant drone of hearing “You’re too much” as a reason to not want to date someone.

I think there’s also an element of inexperience that impedes folks from feeling like moving toward Femmes. Like, if you’ve always done it to the same kinds of folks maybe you don’t know what the experience of certain feminine elements you’re not familiar with is going to do or how it might be different from sex you’ve had before. Maybe you might be bad at it. Maybe it might not be something you like.

For example, one time I got to inaugurate the first time someone had done it with someone who was wearing fishnets. There was some fumbling but it was incredibly hot. I think that’s true for any kind of new sexual experience. I, personally, intend to continue having new and hot sexual experiences well into my golden years. With new and hot things I don’t understand in my present erotic consciousness and new and hot people.* It’s also really exciting and fun to tell the person you’re with that you’re new to something. Perhaps instead of being intimidated by Femme, you confess to your potential new lover “I’ve never done this before.” People love to be the Marco Polo of sex and turn you out. I always give out sexual first time/best time awards when they are earned. Honestly, if I found the right boy scout I’d actually create patches. [*Monogamies permitting, etc…]

Also doing something for the first time, while fumbly, might just tell you something is not your thing and that’s cool, too. So maybe that’s desire that comes out of trying something that’s not for you.

And maybe it’s the person who you don’t want to explore with. But if it’s the person just say “I’m not into you like that” or “I’m not feeling chemistry with you” or something along those lines.

But maybe before you say it’s the person interrogate your desire for a second. Are you balking because of them or because you’re feeling intimidated by a new desire? Or feeling some internalized shame for being attracted to femininity and you have some internalized misogyny to work out?

For every Femme who wears fishnets and heels there are just as many Femmes who wear sneakers and jeans. And also! Also! Femmes who wear fishnets sometimes also are the Femmes who wear sneakers and jeans. For me I feel Femme all the time, no matter what I’m wearing and maybe sometimes people aren’t Femme identified in their sneakers and that’s cool for them. But I think that all permutations of Femme or not-Femme right this second all desireable and can be desireable.

So, can desires change? Can folks who have never really found Femme attractive or maybe find a Femme attractive in spite of never being attracted to Femmes before shift their desires or get over the shock enough to pursue it?

I was really compelled by this quote by the late Mark Aguhar.

is desire an unacceptable weapon because so many people refuse to believe desire can be controlled

What Mark said popped into my mind a bunch of times while I’ve been pondering this post the last couple of months. I think this can mean a lot of things but here I find it resonates that desire can be directed. Maybe your fear and intimidation by something new is hard to wrap your head around?

Cherry Poppins, a friend from the Bay Area, came to town not long ago and she told me that when faced with a dearth of tops in her town decided to abandon her bottoming only lifestyle and learn how to top in order to get laid. She said she shifted her desire in order to expand her dating pool and it worked. She believes very strongly that desires can change.

For me, when I examined my internalized fatphobia and began the journey to loving myself and loving fat bodies, I became very attracted to fat people. They were my primary interest for a long time, for a sense of personal safety and kinship. Now my desire is much more body diverse since I can look on a fat person and find them attractive because I am not plagued by my own internalized shame triggered by seeing another fat person.

And I think there’s a lot to plain old chemistry. As someone who has gotten a lot more selective about who I am attracted to (and how much bullshit I will put up with), chemistry can be really hard to find. I don’t want to squander opportunities for hotness with someone because they are triggering something in me that is bringing up shame. I want to work through that and get to a place of hotness.

There is an undeniable amount of masculine desirability privilege in queer communities. It’s far more socially acceptable in most circles to go after a masculine of center person or a genderqueer person than a Femme. My roommate Damien Luxe is quick to point out this is misogyny and femmephobia at work.

I wonder if we, as a community and as individuals, start to interrogate our desires and work to unlearn our ableisms/racisms/sizisms/homophobia/misogyny/femmephobia/ageism (etc…) if desire will change? I think it can.

I also think we can be more intentional and mindful with each other in the ways we express our chemistry and desire. I know it would sting a lot less and feel a lot better if folks said something that sounded like they gave a rejection more thought than the same old line of “I’m not interested in Femmes.” It just sounds like a punishment for an identity that is perceived as mutable but for many of us it is absolutely not.

Gay Narwhal is not mutable.

Originally published on QueerFatFemme.com

Bevin Branlandingham is your femmecee at QueerFatFemme.com where she chronicles the relentless pursuit of her joy.

The post 50 shades of glitter: Self-examination, shifting desires first appeared on Lesbian.com.

New web series debuts featuring queer, feminine women of color in New Orleans.  “Girl Play” aims to dispel stereotypes and gives a fresh voice to femme lesbian narratives.

The post Episode 1 of new lesbian web series ‘Girl Play’ first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY NATASIA LANGFELDER

When summer hits, think more “topless pool parties, bottomless depravity” than marriage

So you want to have a summer fling. I know most of you think you don’t need “rules” for summer love, but you do. Trust me. For a gay girl, not breaking out the U-Haul on the second date is totally counter-intuitive. I’m laying these out now because I know that come September, I’m going to be flooded with “Ask the Femme” emails that ask for advice on dealing with the girl that doesn’t text back anymore.

Why does this happen? Because a lot of people take on summer internships in different cities, or leave school to go back home for summer break or are simply taking advantage of the less busy season to date, but will disappear when their workload picks up again. Or maybe it’s as simple as summer time meaning party time.

Again, each situation is different and summer flings do have the potential to turn into more. Either way, it’s better to play this Cool Spice so you don’t get hurt or scare away your love interest.

Keep it light
Summer is not known as the season of introspection. In fact, it’s brain hibernation season. Think about it, most of us opt for fun beach reads instead of Tolstoy and shell out for summer blockbusters where “sh*t gets blow’d up.” So when you meet someone at a rooftop bar or a summer barbecue, don’t lead with serious conversation. Talk about the things that will keep a smile on your face and hers.

Like boobs! Who doesn’t love those?

Keep your expectations low
When you start talk to a girl, totally click and get the digits, it’s easy to let your brain automatically jump to the next step.

‘OMG! We both love dogs and we will walk ours together every morning and then do the crossword puzzle and sip Starbucks and this is ammmaazzzzinngggg!’

Stop. Right. There. A lot of the time, you don’t know if she’s just in your town for the summer. Or if you are the out-of-towner, you have no idea if the woman you just met is up for a long distance thang.

This rule might seem like common sense, but let me share a horrible Hot Femme story of dyke drama with you.

Oh no! Not a horrible one!

Yes, a horrible one.

A long time ago, when I was single, I had a hot summer fling with a girl who was in town for the summer. Let’s call her Amanda. We went on awesome, inventive dates all over Brooklyn and I would stay over her place afterward…to um…play Scrabble and stuff.

I knew Amanda was going back to where she was from when the summer was over, so it was all good. One weekend she said she couldn’t hang out because her dad was in town. Then I got a myspace message (yup, I had that) from her roommate telling me that Amanda’s dad was never in town, it was actually Amanda’s girlfriend.

My expectations were low, but they apparently weren’t low enough.

The moral of the story is some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, some are. Remember that meeting someone you like and getting to know them is valuable in itself. She doesn’t need to turn into your girlfriend for it to be a great experience for you both. And if it does work out? Then you can jump for joy because you totally didn’t see that one coming.

She likes me! She really likes me!

Keep it low maintenance
This is by far the easiest rule. Find a make-up regimen that won’t melt off and make you look like a rodeo clown in the heat. Keep anything you need to “touch-up” in your bag with you. I recommend a tinted moisturizer with SPF 15, a small compact with loose powder, eyeliner, a moisturizing lip gloss that also contains SPF 15 and blotting papers.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and loose and if they can’t be loose, at least try to make sure they are cotton. Sweat stains are not sexy. Same goes for shoes, wear footgear that you can walk in and that won’t give you blisters if you sweat and have some extra friction. Limping down the boardwalk? Not sexy.

Also, if you know that you will be outdoors and that you burn easily, put on sunscreen before you leave the house. No one wants make out with a lobster.

Except this chick…and she’s pretty hot soooo…now I don’t know anymore. Just put on freaking sunscreen cuz health.

Be up for anything
Not all of us are lucky enough to live in areas with beautiful climates. The summer is the time when most people try to cram as many outdoor activities into their schedule as possible. Being too high maintenance to rough it during the summer isn’t as adorable as it is in the winter, when you can offer a snuggle and a cup of hot chocolate.

If you follow the “low maintenance” rule, then you can easily go for a hike, chill at a rooftop bar, chow down on veggie burgers at a queer vegan BBQ, hit the beach, or play frisbee in the park. Summer is a great time to explore new activities. If you aren’t open to new experiences, your crush can probably find another girl to go out and play with her. Besides, who doesn’t love to try new things? Remember, the girl may not last, but if she taught you to love beach volleyball, you can keep that for always!

You got all that? Good.

Now go enjoy your hot summer.

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Hot Femme’s guide to successful summer lovin’ first appeared on Lesbian.com.