Illustration by Lee Ely

Hello there Femme!

Before tonight I had never heard of lesbian.com but I stumbled upon it after a night out with my girls and I saw your advice column. I really like how honest you are with your readers and I decided after reading like three posts to submit a question.

First of all, I have always identified as heterosexual. I’ve made out with a couple ladies in my teens but never been intimate with another woman. I find women attractive but I never really considered myself a bisexual or lesbian until recently.

I’m at a point now where I feel as though I am bisexual because I seek out lesbian pornography and I am extremely curious about relations with women. Not only that, there was a really hot girl working one of the concession stands tonight at the fair who told me I was “so cute.” I just melted under pressure and said thanks, tipped her and left. I thought about her the rest of the night. I’m comfortable enough to own my sexuality within myself but, I’ve been dating this guy for close to two years and that sort of complicates things.

A part of me thinks I need to tell him because I know that not everyone feels comfortable with dating a bisexual. At the same time, I’m not sure how he’ll react once he finds out and if our relationship will be secure.

I just want to know if it’s the right thing to go ahead and tell him or just keep it to myself.

-To Share or not to Share

Dear Share,

Congratulations on finding yourself! I’m really excited for you to begin this journey. But you know, talk about burying the lede! It sounds like maybe you aren’t very serious about this guy you have been dating for two years, because you don’t call him your boyfriend. Still, two years is a really long time to just date someone casually and you obviously don’t want to lose him. I vote tell him. Tell him because you need to see if he’s is someone worth keeping. I can’t say if your relationship will be secure once you tell him, because I don’t know how he will feel about dating someone who is bisexual. But if you lose him, then good riddance. Biphobia is definitely something you will encounter along your journey, Share. But there are plenty of people who will be totally cool with it and these are the people who are worth your time and affection.

On another note, it’s really unclear to me whether or not you and this guy are monogamous. If you are monogamous, then you probably shouldn’t get numbers from cute concession stand workers. Going out with women when you are in a relationship with a man is only okay if you and that man have discussed this and everyone is fine with that arrangement- including the women you want to date. Communication to all romantic partners is so important when you are dating more than one person. That holds true no matter what your orientation.

Best of luck, Share! Let us know how it goes!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about them visit http://www.latewerks.com or purchase their work at https://society6.com/latewerks.

The post Ask the Femme: Should I tell my boyfriend I’m bisexual? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Ask Natasia anything!

BY NATASIA LANGFELDER
Lesbian.com

Natasia is back to answer your questions about love and life. Got a question for Femme? Drop her a line!

Hi Femme,
How do you know if you are bisexual or lesbian? I have identified as bisexual for several years and now I am questioning it. I am in a committed three-year relationship with my boyfriend whom I love a lot. I love spending time with him, hanging out, having intimate conversations, I even like cuddling him to sleep. However, these last few weeks I have not been sexually attracted to him. I’ve even come to the point of faked enthusiasm when having sex with him and the only way I was able to enjoy myself was to pretend at different points that I was with a woman. I’ve never been with a woman before, but I have occasionally watched lesbian porn.

I am really confused and heartbroken. I would be devastated to leave him because he is my best friend and I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I’m just completely bummed out in the bedroom department.

Signed,
Bisexual convenience?

Hey BC,
Thanks for writing. I get a lot of questions asking me how to tell if you are lesbian or bisexual. This is the last one I’m going to answer. Mainly because no one can know the answer to that but you.

Sexuality is a personal thing and no one can tell you what you are or aren’t. I’ve written about this a little in past columns. I truly believe that labels are there to help you, not make you more confused. Labels can help you identify with others more readily, make you feel like part of a group and less alone, it can help you describe yourself to others in the light you want to be viewed in. The label doesn’t control your life, you live your life and label it whatever makes you feel true to yourself. You define yourself and you use your label to describe who you are. Or don’t. Who even says you have to label yourself. It seems to be a natural human instinct to do so, but if you want to be a free-spirited fairy queen without a label, then go for it.

Now, let’s get to the heart of your problem, BC. The problem isn’t if you are bisexual or a lesbian; the problem is that you aren’t attracted to your boyfriend. Let’s look at some of the facts, you’ve been with him for three years and you haven’t been attracted to him for a few weeks. Many couples who have been together for multiple years have ebbs and flows in their sex life. There could be other things in your life that are affecting your libido.

Before you throw away your relationship with your best friend, do some soul searching. Ask yourself some of these questions:

1. Have I been more stressed lately? Stress can affect your libido. Have you been under more pressure than usual at work? Are there issues with family members or friends that are draining you and affecting your love life.Remedy: Find a positive outlet to relieve your stress so it doesn’t bleed into your relationship. There are tons of fun me-time things you can do: work out, walk the dog, meditate, play video games, read a book, watch your favorite TV show, go out with your BFF. Anything that helps you release tension and clear your mind will do.
2. Are my boyfriend and I treating each other like family members? Relationships that are as intimate as the one that you are describing with your boyfriend might have started to change his place in your life. Do you guys act more like friends or buddies than two people in a romantic relationship? Do you coddle him like you are his mom? Does he tease you like he’s your brother? There’s no faster way to kill your sex life than by treating each other like family members.Remedy: Take some time apart, maybe a night or two and rekindle the romance. Go out on a few dates together, next time your are together make it special and romantic. Don’t take each other for granted, make sure you treat each other like the sexy beasts you are.
3. Am I bored with my sex life? If you’re constantly slipping away into fantasyland during intimate times then the answer is probably yes.Remedy: Get a little crazy. What are your fantasies that don’t involve women? Is there anything you want to try with your guy? What about trying to find a “unicorn” (a bisexual women who is into threesomes) who might want to help you fulfill some of your fantasies. Or, barring that, just ask your boyfriend if he would be OK with you exploring your attraction to women in real life.
4. Am I not attracted to any men, or is it just my boyfriend that I’ve lost interest in? This is a pretty important question if you are trying to ascertain if you are lesbian or bisexual. Again, I can’t answer this for you.

The most striking part of your email is that you haven’t felt attracted to your boyfriend for a few weeks. A few weeks out of three years isn’t anything to get too upset about, especially in a relationship that is as strong as yours is. Try to look within yourself and understand yourself better, try to get more romantic and stay present with your partner instead of slipping away into a fantasy. If a few months go by and you still adore your boyfriend in a platonic way, then call it quits and strike out on your own to discover who you are.

Good luck, BC! Let us know how it goes.

XOXO,
The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me a message on Facebook!

The post Ask the Femme: I’m not attracted to my boyfriend, am I a lesbian? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Ask Natasia anything!

BY NATASIA LANGFELDER
Lesbian.com

Natasia is back to answer your questions about love and life. Got a question for Femme? Drop her a line!

Hey Femme,

My girlfriend doesn’t like that I’m bi. I love her way too much to lose her and we have a kid on the way. She said that if I don’t change that she is going to break up with me. I just don’t understand why she is like this. Please help me.

JM

Hi JM,

I’m going to try to help you. But honestly, I don’t know if anyone can make your girlfriend accept you for you who are. Due to societal stigma, bisexuals often struggle with partners’ biphobia. We’ve all encountered these stereotypes, from “bisexuals have more potential people to cheat with,” “bisexuals can’t make up their mind about which gender they prefer so they cheat” to “bisexuality is just a stop on the train to gaysville” and the extremely hurtful, “bisexual men aren’t as masculine because they sleep with other men” or “bisexual women aren’t as ‘real’ as lesbians.” Biphobia is very real — but like any other phobia, sometimes people can over come it.

Is it that big of a deal?

There’s no way for me to tell if any or all of these are why your girlfriend is upset, so I’m going to keep this answer simple and to the point. If there wasn’t a baby on the way I would tell you to break up with her if she can’t accept you for who you are. However, you love your girlfriend enough to be considering parenting together, and that’s much more to walk away from than just a relationship.

Don’t ever lose who you are for your relationship, but do what you can to make your partner feel comfortable, safe and loved.

Talk to her. Tell her that yes, you are bisexual but bisexual isn’t something you are doing to her, it’s just one piece of who you are. You are choosing to be with her and her alone. You are monogamous and you want to build your life with her. Ask her how your bisexuality impact your day-to-day life; it’s highly unlikely your sexuality impacts how you cook dinner or how supportive you can be or what kind of love you can offer or if remember birthdays or wake up with the alarm clock.  If she can’t accept that, there’s really nothing you can do, but my guess is that she will accept that because she wants you to quell the fears she has based on the stereotype of who a bisexual person is. Show her that a bisexual partner is as great as any partner, and hopefully she will come around.

You should also make sure that you keep supportive friends in your life. This can range from people that make you feel connected to the queer community or people that will let you talk about who you are without judgment. Read websites that cater to the LGBTQ community or books by and for queer people. Ensure that you stay connected to all the parts of yourself.

Good luck, JM. Let me know how it goes!

Xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me a message on Facebook!

The post Ask the Femme: My girlfriend hates that I’m bi! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Welcome back to Ask the Femme, your one stop shop for queer loooooove advice. This week, we explore the problem of having a girlfriend who isn’t comfortable with bisexuality.

Dear Femme,

I hope you can help because I’m at the end of my rope with my girlfriend. We have been together for 7 months and she is always picking at me for being bisexual. She says mean things like “I bet you think he’s hot,” whenever a reasonably attractive man walks by. I haven’t even been with a man in years and I’ve never cheated on her! We can’t even watch “Grey’s Anatomy” together because she says that I will go and sleep with a man and get pregnant and make her raise the baby! When I tell her that she’s bothering me, she says that my being bisexual bothers her, so we are even. I don’t get it because she knew I was bisexual when we met. If she hated the idea of it so much then why did she even ask me out? What the heck am I supposed to do?

Please help!
Bi-furcated

(Photo via GirlsWithBeanies/Tumblr)

Hi Bi,

Wow. Your girlfriend sounds like a real…peach. If I were you, I would probably ditch her for someone who is less biphobic. More and more women are labelling themselves as sexually fluid, so it isn’t too hard to find someone who is more understanding of the nuances of your sexuality.

But, if you want to save this relationship, and it sounds like you do, you need to understand that she is very insecure and that’s where this mean-spiritedness is coming from. Maybe she didn’t realize just how jealous and insecure she would get when you two first started dating and now that things are serious, she’s terrified of losing you.

You need to sit her down and tell her you want to talk about this issue seriously, without the childish “we are even” argument. Seriously, that makes no sense! Tell her what you told me, that she knew who you were when you met her and that as your partner, you want her to accept all your parts. Tell her you know that being with a bisexual can be scary, because it seems like bisexuals have more opportunities to cheat or could have a slight gender preference. Ease her fears by telling her you don’t prefer one sex over the other and that you would never cheat on a romantic partner, especially not her. Tell her that her biphobia is pushing you away and making you feel rejected and unhappy. Those feelings are more likely to make you end the relationship than a hot guy walking down the street, so you need her to stop rejecting one of your core traits.

Good luck, Bi! Let me know what happens.

Have a question for me? Send me a Facebook message at www.facebook.com/natasiarose

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the femme: My girlfriend hates that I’m bisexual first appeared on Lesbian.com.