Dear Femme,

I love my girlfriend more than anything. We’ve been together for two years and long-distance that whole time, but we’re only a day’s drive apart, and we visit each other as often as we can. Last fall she applied for a one-year position abroad and I figured I would move there with her. But she’s just heard that she’s been assigned to work in a remote town rather than the city she thought she would be sent to. The country she’s going to is pretty homophobic and she believes it wouldn’t be safe for us to be there together without the anonymity of a city.

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through a year without her. It’s already so painful being apart for just a few weeks at a time. The worst part is that she’s so excited about this opportunity, and I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t just be happy for her. How can I learn to cope with this and focus on all the good times we’ll have in the future rather than the terrible time I’m having now?

– Left Behind

Hi Left,

Ahh, what a problem! A year is both a long time and no time at all. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t be upset about the prospect of their girlfriend leaving for an entire year, no matter how happy she was about the opportunity. It’s possible to be excited about a great job opportunity but also sad at the prospect of leaving you for so long.

I know you don’t want to dampen your girlfriends spirits and that’s totally a testament to your love for her, but you two have to talk about it. Isn’t she a little sad at the prospect of leaving you for a whole year? She must be, and if she’s not, there might be something deeper in the relationship you need to address. Assuming that she is excited but sad about being apart for a whole year, maybe plan for time when you can go visit her. Surely she gets some holidays off from her position and you two can meet in the nearby city. Seeing each other twice for 5-7 days seems like a reasonable compromise while she’s gone.

Also let her know that you expect some communication from her while she’s gone. You don’t want to ruin her experience abroad by making her sit in front of a screen FaceTiming with you, but she should try to call you and email you when it’s accessible and convenient. And she shouldn’t neglect you while she’s gone. Support is a two way street. You need to make sure you don’t ruin this experience for her but she also can’t leave you high and dry for a year and expect everything to resume the way it has been when she gets back.

Okay, so let’s assume you two have worked out a schedule of visits and communication so you don’t go crazy. I know this sounds nuts, but try to think of this year alone as an opportunity. You love your girlfriend more than anything, you two are probably going to be together for a long time. So use this time to work on yourself. Do things that you haven’t had time to do because you spend time traveling to see your girlfriend. See your friends more! Make new friends! Visit your grandparents, they aren’t going to live forever! Take that language class you always wanted to take. Learn to cook. Write a novel. Binge watch that TV show your girlfriend hates. Or travel abroad to places that are gay friendly. Take a girls trip with your friends. There’s so much to do, so much that can be done in life. Your girlfriend is out there living her dream. What is your dream? Figure it out and live it. The year will go by faster than you know.

Best of luck, sweetie. Let us know how it goes!

Xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about Lee visit http://www.latewerks.com, follow on Instagram @latewerks, like on Facebook and purchase their work at https://society6.com/latewerks.

The post Ask the Femme: My girlfriend is moving abroad for a year and I’m devastated first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Ruth and Michelle of ConsciousGirlfriend.com

BY RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, Ph.D.
ConsciousGirlfriend.com

Dear CG,

I am in a long distance relationship so I only see my girlfriend every couple of months. My girlfriend is most definitely a PEP, having issues around a smothering mother. Her mother made everything about herself and expected to be taken care of by her daughter. She feels like we talk too much. I on the other hand am most definitely a PAP. I grew up with a very domineering mother who was incredibly abusive, both physically and emotionally. I am learning I am worthy of love.

I would like to talk every other day and text in between. Yet I know that my girlfriend is not responsible for my happiness, and I can understand where she is coming from. How do I stop my fretting when I don’t hear from her? Is it possible to make some compromises so we both get what we need? There are so many other parts of our relationship that make me feel secure and loved. We are both very committed to making this work.

– Tara in Ohio

Dear Tara,

That is such a great question. Thanks for asking! (By the way, for those readers who don’t yet know about PAP and PEP, they stand for the “primal abandonment panic” and “primal engulfment panic” that come up for so many of us when it feels as if our girlfriends are too far away — or too close. You can find out much more about PAP and PEP in our Video #2, or read our introductory column here on Lesbian.com)

First, it’s great that you can see why both you and your girlfriend have the tendencies you do, based on your childhoods – and when you remind yourself of that, it can help you remember that her needs and actions are not about you. That is, her needs have nothing to do with your worthiness. You are worthy of being loved, and it sounds like she does love you and

wants to keep loving you better, which is wonderful! And of course, she too, is worthy of love, and it sounds like part of what she needs from you — part of what spells “love” to her — is having you fully respect and treasure her autonomy, her separateness.

I can see why it’s rough for you that it’s a long distance relationship. That does seem like a circumstance especially designed to push your PAP buttons (though I’m sure they’d get pushed in a different way if you were in the same town because that’s just how it works. Life finds a way to push our buttons no matter what.) If you are really willing to take this piece of self-
responsibility and self-healing on (which it sounds like you are!) then here’s what I’d suggest:

1. When you start “fretting” that you haven’t heard from her, do the SCORE Process. Step back into yourself and connect with yourself, with compassion. Compassion is an incredibly soothing balm for what ails us! Breathe in deep and slow, feel your body, come home to your body, and invite in a sense of love and tenderness for yourself. Remind yourself that yes, you are totally worthy of love. You can use the Metta prayer Michelle shared in our True Love Teleclass , since she wrote this specifically to address her own fear of being unlovable.

May I be happy.

May I know my true worth.

May I know that I am lovable.

May I love and be loved with ease.

Once you’re feeling calmed and gentled by that wonderful application of self-compassion, you can open to observe the origins of the feeling you’re calling “fretting.” In a gentle way, check out what the feelings really are, and where they’re coming from inside you. My guess is that you’ll find a child self who is totally freaked out by her abusive mother, and really scared that she isn’t worthy of love, and can’t and won’t be loved (or something like that). Take the time to really see and listen to that little girl, whatever’s going on with her, and let the stream of compassion touch her, too. Bring the metta (loving-kindness) on in to her, too.

As you do that, you’re actually taking responsibility for your own feelings in the sense that you are treating them as your own, and addressing them from the inside. The love that scared, hurt, sad (or angry) little girl needs most can only come from… you! You are the one who can be with her 24/7 if you are willing. No one else can or will, and it wouldn’t be appropriate if they could (and frankly, if someone tried, you’d probably start feeling your own PEP after awhile!) But you can bring your own larger self, your adult, wiser, resourced self, to that little girl and as you do, she will feel much more secure and comfortable and lovable and connected, and “fret” much less.

(By the way, sometimes people worry, “If I’m with that little girl 24/7, then doesn’t that mean I’ll feel anxious and alone 24/7?” But actually, the opposite is true. If you’re with her, she won’t feel anxious or alone any more, so neither will you! And if you have any spiritual beliefs or practices, call in whatever larger/wiser being you believe in — God/dess, angels, spirit guides, your higher self — to be with you and your little girl self, too. That way, if your adult self ever feels overwhelmed, the larger, divine part of you is right there to step in and bring even more love to both adult and child.)

2. And then, after you’ve done this kind of work for some days or weeks on your own, you can share it with your girlfriend, not in a “Therefore I want you to be different” way, but in a “Here’s what’s been going on with me” way. She’ll feel your energy shift and that will make a different kind of conversation possible from her end, too.

Of course, if she’s able and willing to do her own SCORE Process with her own younger self – bringing her adult self to her younger self and assuring her that she will always get to have her own boundaries and separateness, that her autonomy will always be respected, and that she gets to have connection, too (she doesn’t have to choose between them!) then that will help ease things up on her end.

Over time, as you both work on healing your triggers, you may actually find that you’re able to get into a rhythm of talking and/or texting with each other that is easy, natural and organic, something that changes from week to week, and that you are both comfortable with, without even having to negotiate or compromise!

Lots of love and blessings to you both,

Ruth

Love is where it’s at! Check out Conscious Girlfriend: Lesbians & Queer Women Creating True Love. Register today for our free telesummit to hear interviews with 11 LGBTQI relationship experts from around the world!

The post Ask Conscious Girlfriend: Lesbian and queer love tips first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY MICHELLE ALEXANDER

How ironic that I’m writing this article as I make my way from D.C. to Atlanta to see my fiancée. I’ve never been one to want a long distance relationship but the older I got the more open I was to finding love beyond my own backyard. My wife to be lives 9 hours from me. In LDRs it may be wise to take the brain versus heart route first to make sure that no one is wasting time or setting themselves up for failure because of a logistical impasse that can’t be overcome. Really think before you invest your heart. I know we all get butterflies when we meet someone new and it’s hard to think with our brains during this time, but unless you can travel on those butterflies, do your heart a favor and think first.

I want to give hope to those currently in LDRs, but I also want to pose realistic questions. Where do you see this relationship going? Is there marriage potential? Is she worth you going through the lonely nights and temptation of company from someone closer? Can each of you build a foundation of enough trust to sustain those temptations? Someone is going to have to move eventually so who will it be? How much distance is too much? It is realistic to live in CA and date a woman in NYC? Can each of you afford the financial and travel commitment it would take to make a three thousand mile distance work? I realize that all LDRs aren’t this extreme, but it does pose the question of how you will navigate the distance. So give considerable thought to this. Distance and lack of physical bonding time is the main reason LDRs don’t make it. Set yourself up for success by weighing all factors in the beginning.

Read more at TaggMagazine.com

Tagg Magazine is a print and online resource for LBT women in the DC Metropolitan and Rehoboth, DE areas.

The post Long distance love: Can you make it work? first appeared on Lesbian.com.