“Bloomington” stars Allison McAtee (“Iron Man,” “CSI” and “Ugly Betty”), Sarah Stouffer (“Slacker PI” and “Faces of Beautiful You”) and Katherine McGregor (“The West Wing,” “Bones”).

The post Bloomington first appeared on Lesbian.com.

As the two debate, Noel also falls under Claire’s charms, but she is wary, having recently suffered a disastrous breakup. As each faces her fears, an intricate — and sensual — “dance” takes place between them, as they move apart, then come closer and closer.

Set in the lush Pacific Northwest, “Claire of the Moon” tells a timeless story of a woman’s struggle as she awakens to new possibilities for love and intimacy.

The post Claire of the Moon first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Wedding planner Lauren Hilliard weaves fairytales out of possibilities. It’s her business and she’s good at it.

Her brides love her for making their dreams come true, but she’s not managed to make the magic happen for herself — yet.

Trouble is, Lauren’s in love with her best friend and has been for 11 hopeless years. Years in which she’s secretly imagined the fairytale of possibilities if she had the courage to speak … which she hasn’t. So she doesn’t. And she won’t.

But what if the feelings are mutual?

Cue the latest magical rom-com from best-selling, award-winning author Kiki Archer.

Buy the book here:
Amazon.com: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0721QDM5L
Amazon.co.uk: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0721QDM5L

The post ‘A Fairytale of Possibilities:’ A new lesbian rom-com from acclaimed author Kiki Archer first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Illustration by Lee Ely

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner? Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road. You have to look out for those red flags before you invest your heart into someone.

2)     It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending out “let’s just be friends” vibes? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Are you so concerned with coming across as ‘needy’ that you come across as disinterested? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

3) You haven’t met the right one yet: It sucks, but dating is a numbers game. There’s a chance that the relationships you have had have faded out because she just wasn’t the right one for you. When you meet the right person, things click into place. I know that after being single for awhile, it’s hard to imagine that happening so easily, but when you meet the right person it won’t be this hard.

4) Be yourself, be spontaneous: TMC, it sounds like you have your dating game down to a science. You have rules for yourself about when to text and how often and when to have sex, etc. Is that really you? Be yourself, follow your instincts instead of going by the book. Throw the book away. Do whatever you want and ask your date if she’s in for the ride.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

For more illustration by Lee Ely, visit their Behance page!

The post Ask the Femme: Two Month Chump first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Hello Femme,

Special K

Special K,
You sound so sweet! Thank you for asking me how I am, I’m very well. I have some bad news for you, I believe you’ve been catfished. For any of my readers who don’t know the term, a catfish is someone who is pretending to be someone else online while attempting to form relationships with others.

MTV has created an entire show about trying to catch “catfish” at the request of the people who have been scammed. Figuring out if you are talking to a catfish or not is pretty simple, do a google image search on your catfish, ask them to take a picture of them holding a paper with your name on it, google the phone number they give you, see if they have pictures with other people on their social media account, see if they have interactions with those people on their FB wall or twitter, etc. Usually when someone is dealing with a catfish, they don’t want to know that the other person is fake, so they ignore the warning signs.

I totally agree with your sister about cutting off contact with Jackie. Jackie is probably a dude and that’s why “she” isn’t going to talk to you on the phone and doesn’t want to meet in person “yet.” I know Jackie hasn’t tried to contact you, but I would suggest blocking her on all social media. The show “Catfish” has shed light on the motivations of the people who enjoy catfishing others. Most of them are sad, lonely, depressed, ashamed of their looks, etc. But a few of them are narcissistic sociopaths and one was even pretty scary, to the point where it seemed like he wanted to assault his former online romance as well as the hosts of the show.

Your encounter with Jackie has left you confused and lonely. That comes across really strongly in your letter. I’m so sorry that you miss her so much. You two were close for four months, so I’m not surprised. I think that you should grieve the loss of this relationship just like you would any other. I definitely recommend grabbing some ice cream and heading over to MTV.com to watch some episodes of “Catfish.” This will help you in a few ways:

1. You will learn are not the only one who has been duped.
2. You will realize don’t want to meet “Jackie” in person, as it will be at best a disappointment and at worst dangerous.
3. You will learn some tools to keep this from happening again.
   

OK, so now we know Jackie is fake. Don’t think of the time you spent talking to her as wasted time. Take this as an opportunity to explore what you’ve learned from this. Ask yourself why you were so willing to spend so much time talking with a stranger online. Is there anything missing in your life now that would prompt that? Are you lonely? Do you need a new BFF or some new friends in your life? Do you want a relationship? A really good way to make new friends and meet potential partners is to take up some new hobbies, hit the gym, read a book in a bar instead of at home, etc. Just get out there into the world, away from your computer screen and see what happens. I’m not saying that people can’t make a strong connection online, but as you found out with Jackie, eventually you need to take things offline for them to work. It will also help you miss Jackie less if you are otherwise occupied.

We also need to talk about the queer fish in the room. If you were attracted to Jackie, you might be bisexual or pansexual or queer. You might be something. Do you want to explore that side of yourself now that it exists? That’s up to you, but you might want to think about that for awhile. Maybe go hang with your sister when she goes to grrl bars or queer events (just don’t cramp her style) or join OK Cupid or Tinder, if you are feeling brave. Go find out if you have chemistry with a woman in person or if Jackie was just a safe outlet for you to explore your girl-on-girl fantasies. Some fantasies are fun to play out and some are meant to just stay in our imagination. You would benefit from figuring out which this is for you.

Good Luck, K!

XOXO
The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: Was I catfished? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.”

Hi,
I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years. attractive, talented, all of that. She was very sweet and friendly with me and finally single. But she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while, not really in the market now. (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.) She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe, but she’s who I really want.

Thank you,
WS

Hi WS,
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but, the girl you want, she’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal. You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents as both a new partner and as the person who “made you” queer. Instead of having the ”but you were straight before you met her,” conversation when it’s too late, have it now when you don’t have a relationship that might be strained by it.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: You can’t force chemistry first appeared on Lesbian.com.

“I took back my pulpy heart and stitched it up securely in my own small but sturdy chest”

Dear readers,
Since Conscious Girlfriend put out the call for “worst breakup stories,” we’ve heard from many of you! It’s inspiring to read how you’ve turned devastation into growth, learning and joy. Please feel free to send your own breakup story with us: ruth@consciousgirlfriend.com.

Now, read on for this powerhouse story by Nicole Ditz, www.holisticdepththerapy.com.

I was a much younger woman, 27 years old, presumably straight, and married to a closeted gay man whom I met at age 18 and who helped to extricate me from a highly dysfunctional family of origin.
I was a grad student in a counseling psychology program and so was she.

She was butch, 21 years my senior, completely other from me in every possible way, except for being exceptionally bright and psychologically damaged by trauma. I was matched up to do a project with her.
I was nervous, skittish at the thought of going to a butch lesbian’s cabin — yes, the proverbial log cabin in the woods, with chainsaws in the yard, and lesbian feminist iconography hanging from every rusting nail head.

Yes, she appeared surprisingly attractive in her own environment, stocky and handsome with a daredevil grin, blue jeans and a purple “fuck the patriarchy” T-shirt-y get up.

I was primed for this encounter: Having been immersed in feminist studies and women’s spirituality for the past couple of years, moving from interest in supporting the men’s movement and even being a part of a men’s circle in Boston (long story—I drew men to me easily for some of the right, and many of the wrong, reasons), to women’s and feminist and goddess groups and books: Starhawk, Adrienne Rich, May Sarton, Kate Millet, Jean Baker Miller and so on.

But I definitely was not lesbian, just feminist, although I had purchased a pair of tie up black combat boots worn beneath tight denim shorts given to me by a gay man I was deeply in love with (no not the one I married).

‘Lesbian’ sounded strange like a sideshow in a circus. I was just a former daughter of patriarchy, wearing my outfits extra tight to attract the boys, but I began to find most men highly predictable, one dimensional and utterly boring.

Confusion. Patriarchy. And its opposite or so I thought. A strange older lesbian dyke who lived bra-less in a rather spooky cabin in the woods and called herself a witch with a devil-may-care glint in her eye.

It made for a good story to tell my girlfriends. Until it was no longer a tall tale, but a fleshed out reality, set to music by Ferron and Chris Williamson and Cheryl Wheeler, with me dressed in her flannels and she drinking Scottish Whiskey and me begging to be “held” and then dancing and then gazing and then falling to my knees as her black cat spun spiral 8’s around our fused fecund tangled heap on the floor.

And then my world was wrung inside out and I was trying to juggle grad school, internships and an early psychotherapy private practice and weekends at both her cabins, driving in a tin can of a car across three different states.

And obsession. And merging. And poetry. And Michigan. And kissing in the summer rain ensconced in crowds of half naked women.

And she became lover, mother, father, brother, sister, mentor, priestess, protector, and then persecutor.

She was bright and nurturing and manipulative. I was a vision of her younger self, before her motorcycle accident. She was the best and worst of every longed for woman and man rolled into one temptress and torturer.

She grew less nurturing and more and more controlling with interspersed moments of deep attunement and compassion and love followed by rage and criticism and coldness.

The old, sad story of intermittent reinforcement and a young woman who believed she could fix fundamental characterological problems by learning how to hold this tool properly or string the right combination of words together to unlock the jigsaw puzzle of another’s heart. The pieces just wouldn’t fit seamlessly together no matter how hard I tried.

I was desperately emotionally needy, having been raised by two completely inept human beings who couldn’t handle emotions of any stripe.

I admired her, revered her, was besotted with her and would trade my sexuality and alluring female wares, hungry for any dime of attention she would spare me.

Plus she was a diehard lesbian feminist so could only have my best interests as a younger woman in mind. Right?

You know the answer, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge fully what I knew until I had to do her impossible and escalating demands. Such as shoveling her quarter mile uphill driveway by myself at 5 am in the dark before a 10-hour work day?

The word “no” was birthed, a new language in the dark womb of my mouth.

I leaned into my knowledge as a budding psychotherapist, my understanding of personality disorders and their subtleties, as well as abuse cycles. I had worked briefly in the field of domestic violence.
Funny how different it seems when the blows are not fists but words and shrewd control tactics.
I managed to stay away for a week. then two then months, then a year. I worked on my insecure attachment issues, trauma, and emotional deficits due to my difficult childhood.

I refused her request to meet with me in a public place, telling her I was too vulnerable and needed to solidify myself.

I did solidify myself, step by step. Believe me, it was achingly hard. I made small clay sculptures in dream groups of my heart hanging out of my chest looking still to be held by her large, calloused hands.

Fast Forward: I serendipitously met my now female spouse of 17 years, one-two years after the closing of that story.

There were challenges here with this new woman, but not the same type or degree. They were workable.
We have established a good, solid and upstanding life with two amazing careers, two homes in two states, and two beloved dogs.

But I knew I could not be around that original woman anymore than a drug addict should be living in an opium den.

I “learned to love with all my intelligence” as Adrienne Rich, in other words, once wrote.

It was muscular and sweaty: journaling, reading, workshops, therapy, deep self-reflection, working on building a foundation inside myself rather than in another. I took back my pulpy heart and stitched it up securely in my own small but sturdy chest. I no longer led with my emotions but with my growing and expanding ‘wisely discerning mind.’

I learned that passion and mature love are not the same animals. They may graze side by side in the same savannah and drink from the same trough, but they are not interchangeable.

I am thankful to myself that I learned to be my own answer and rescuer. Our power and responsibility for our own well being as precious individuals is our very birthright. Let us never hand that power over as adults to another human being. Let us use that power wisely and responsibly with compassion toward ourselves and toward others.

Blessed be to all my fellow journey women!

Nicole Ann Ditz

Visit Conscious Girlfriend to get your free copy of “The Five Keys to a Happy Lesbian Relationship!” and check out our amazing upcoming retreat, too!

The post Conscious Girlfriend: I took back my pulpy heart first appeared on Lesbian.com.

We are groomed to strive to be right. if we are not, we can at least strive to poke holes in the other person’s argument so that they can’t be right.

Having a conversation from that space reinforces the misconception that there is only a limited amount of “right” in the world and if you don’t get that “right,” then it goes to your partner (who you have now decided is more of a scrimmage mate). If your partner gets all of that “right,” then the world supply gets depleted by the amount of the “right,” so you better bring the big guns next time before all of the “right” disappears off the face of the earth.

All of this “rightness” can make you feel victorious shortly after the argument, but the “right” paradigm is ultimately damaging to the relationship. What you need to do is identify the types of bypasses, see when they come up in you, then take a moment to apologize and try out a different approach.

Here are some of those things to look out for in your we-need-to-talk conversations (this is just a limited list of the possible bypasses):

REHEARSING

Going over what you are going to say next instead of listening. This can happen at the top of the conversation where a person can just completely shut down. Rehearsing can also happen in the middle of a sentence where you may just latch on to one word and start constructing an argument around it completely missing the second part of that sentence.

SPARRING

Letting your anger tip you into hopelessness, whereupon you try to grasp at straws to knock your partner off their balance. It can happen with name calling or with simply bringing up old triggers that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. “This is why you are just like your father” or “This is just one example of how stupid and oblivious you can be.”

BEING RIGHT

Does this one even need an explanation? This is where you know you are right because your experience says so and there is no room for discussion. This is where people may just plant themselves firmly and not let themselves be moved or shifter even an inch.

DERAILING

That is the beginning of a spiral which can lead to a three or four-hour conversation in which nothing gets resolved. Instead of staying on topic, you may find yourself veering off by bringing up past faults which are completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Usually seen with a hint of blame (just to knock them off their center to try and snatch back the “right”).

When you find yourself in any of those spaces take a moment to stop, breathe, identify, apologize, and try again. It may feel vulnerable and scary, but the pay off is fantastic.

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

The post Person to Person: How wrong can right really be? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY JACKIE
Team Dattch, the lesbian app

At some point in your life, you will have to go on a first date.

The usual story goes:

“You snogged a beautiful girl in a club the night before, but were probably too drunk to consider waking up with a stranger in your bed OR knew you’d have a hangover meltdown trying to get home from hers. Regardless, you’ve woken up to a text from her asking how you are, and you don’t think she seems like the Jenny Schecter type. A few texts later and you’ve agreed to meet in the cold, sober light of day. It’s first date time.”

Wherever you met them, the first date is possibly the most nerve-wracking of them all. Well, that and the “third” date when you need to do a bit of lady garden maintenance because you’ll be getting down, or should I say going down on your lady of choice.

My sister gave me one piece of advice about first dates: “Never carry on dating a person who wears bad shoes. It usually means they’re either bad in bed and if you don’t like their shoes, what else are you not going to like about them?”

My own good first dates (who wore good shoes) have resulted in ex-girlfriends, amazing sex (WHAT?! We had chemistry and booze) and friendships with some pretty awesome ladies. The bad first dates included taking a girl who didn’t like heights on a Ferris wheel, and having to wait 40 minutes for a dinner date who then decided to comment on how much the refried beans we were eating as a starter looked like poo. No joke. She, coincidentally, wore shoes I was not a fan of.

First date woes are inevitable. We’ve all been on excruciatingly bad ones, but I’ve not yet written off my life to being a crazy cat lady just yet. Activity dates are fun and, if you end up having not that much in common, you can immerse yourself in learning something new. The zoo is one place on my list, finding out someone’s favorite animal (besides unicorns) can tell you a lot about them. And if they don’t love the baby animals, MOVE ON!!

First dates are a bit Disney in one sense as you have to take chances with the frogs. But, in doing so, you may just end up finding your fairy tale princess who’s just as hot as Ariel in both mermaid and leggy form. And remember no bad shoes. Seriously, it’s a bad sign.

Dattch — The Lesbian App is out for iOS and Android. Loved by Lesbian.com, AfterEllen and Autostraddle, we are the social platform for all things gay. Free download!

The post How important are your shoes in dating? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY AMI
Team Dattch, the lesbian app

Taking your girlfriend to a family party is a task fraught with potential disasters; will the assembled family and friends be welcoming, dismissive or furious? Will your girlfriend cope with the onslaught of relatives keen to get to know her, or, depending on their standpoint, keen to stop her “corrupting” their daughter/cousin/niece that, “always seemed so… normal?” Will your dad have thought to buy fruity cider? Because, you know, lesbians are coming!?

Family parties, to my mind, can go one of three ways; one that bimbles along awkwardly before your grandma falls asleep in her chair, blissfully unaware that you are a lesbian because “Her heart isn’t so good and she doesn’t need any shocks”; One that ends in a blazing row because Uncle Jim asked you when you were getting your ceremonial lesbian head shaving; Or one that involves your Drunk Aunt Sally revealing lesbian experiences at boarding school. The surprise bonus situation is your cousin asking what you actually “do” anyway, because all he gleaned from his lesbian porn collection is that they have really long nails and just rub each other vigorously.

I am out to the fam; in both the gangster and family sense. They’re as cool as any slightly squeamish, bemused parents could be expected to be. We have an unspoken “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement, which, whilst it did not have its place in the military, seems to work for us superficially. I just have to be above reproach in every other aspect of my life so they can’t blame any failing on my preference for the ladies.

So I don’t really worry about bringing girls home. I know I can keep the girlfriend in parental favor, just as long as I can get to the wet towels she will inevitably leave on my bed before my mother does, so what’s my problem with the family party?

It’s wondering whether my mother proudly will wave her metaphorical rainbow flag, or instead, call my partner the F-word? That’s right … will she introduce my girlfriend of however many months to the assembled guests as my special “friend”?

I don’t know why the word “friend” in this context serves to rile me so much, but I cannot abide my girlfriend being introduced as anything other than that. Anything that demotes her from that-girl-I-love-and-do-sex-with seems to me to be a step back in terms of parental acceptance. I can feel my eyes rolling when I even think back to instances where my mother has dropped the F-bomb to acquaintances.

I’m not sure what she thinks will happen if she reveals the truth about me to these people; a short stint on Google would probably be enough to confirm that I am a raging lezzer, but, seemingly convinced that they are going to recoil in horror and start flicking conveniently bottled holy water at me, she says “… and this is her special FRIEND”.

“No, Mum, special friend is what I call my fuck buddy,” I say. Silently. In my imagination.

A confirmed wimp by nature, I don’t do anything but quietly seethe, apologize to my girlfriend, and continue as if nothing has gotten to me. The most I’ve ever done is jump in and introduce the woman (with full title) myself, but this sometimes earns a disapproving look. To be honest, if I did object it may well be dismissed as hysterical oversensitive lesbian disorder, so I just leave it, grumble internally and exacerbate the beginnings of a stomach ulcer. I just invented that disorder, by the way.

Introductory irritations aside, my first experience taking a girlfriend to a large(ish) scale family went without a hitch until my 10 year old brother caught my girlfriend and me having a sneaky snog in the swimming pool. Being a boy and apparently unaware that this was a thing, he proceeded to tell on me and was met with the response, “Don’t worry, people do silly things when they are drunk,” which confirmed that my parents were more comfortable discussing the bad decisions made due to excessive beer than they were the topic of homosexuality. Amazing how a veneer of tolerance can be polished so brightly and yet the cracks so evident. Still, I counted myself lucky; I hadn’t been kicked out of the house because of my sexual orientation, my special friend had been welcomed to the party, but there was still a nasty, little niggling feeling that they didn’t want the neighbors to know that they had a gay. Just in case it is a phase, perhaps, or maybe because of the contagion. I don’t know.

If I cannot sum up the courage to politely ask that my girlfriend is afforded a title befitting a partner. I can only hope that in forty years’ time, when I still don’t have a boyfriend, yet rather suspiciously live with a woman, have popped out some kids to an invisible father, and continue to attend family parties in a flurry of dog hair and children who either curiously look like me, or my special friend, that I don’t need to say anything to the neighbors; they’ll just know.

Either that, or I’ll take up wearing dungarees full-time.

Dattch — The Lesbian App is out for iOS and Android. Loved by Lesbian.com, AfterEllen and Autostraddle, we are the social platform for all things gay. Free download!

The post Introducing your girlfriend to the family first appeared on Lesbian.com.