Communicate Well
If there is one thing that can signal the death knell in any relationship, it’s a lack of communication. One partner becomes frustrated at the other for not instantly understanding what it is they want or need, despite never communicating what they want or need. Communication isn’t easy, especially if you’ve never been in a lesbian relationship before and are not sure how to communicate in a way that won’t offend or upset anyone.

The key is to be honest. If you’re unsure what to do in bed, say so – you’ll never learn otherwise. If you want your partner to do something specific, or you want to try Wet For Her sex toys, or you think it might be fun to carry out this fantasy or that one, you have to communicate that.

Communicating your feelings, your ideals, your dreams, and who you really are is crucial too, otherwise you’ll end up resenting your partner and they won’t even know why.

You Both Have Flaws
When you’re entering your first lesbian relationship, it’s easy to idolize your girlfriend. After all, she’s teaching you everything you need to know and helping you navigate this new stage. However, idolizing someone is never a good idea; it’s how problems can start in a relationship – eventually that perfect person is going to make a mistake or show some ‘weakness’ and your dreams will come crashing down.

It’s best to enter a relationship knowing that you both have flaws. No one is perfect and that includes you, so bear that in mind that you will make mistakes and so will she, and it’s how you deal with those mistakes that makes all the difference.

Make Time For Each Other
Relationships are hard and they take work. One of the ways to do this is to make time for one another. Ideally, you should do this every day. If you live apart, make sure you talk to one another – either on the phone or via a video call – every day. Make it a ritual that you talk to each other about how your day went, and always say goodnight to one another, for example. If you live together, that doesn’t mean you automatically make time for one another, especially when you’re busy with work and other commitments, so why not try to eat together without the TV or any screens to distract you, giving you the opportunity to talk about important things or silly things or future things.

Making time for one another will ensure your relationship stays strong, and that’s important.

The post Tips For Navigating Your First Lesbian Relationship first appeared on Lesbian.com.

It’s brutal honesty time, Ask the Femme style. You asked, “do lesbian relationships last?”

Well yes, duh. But let’s get down to the deets. photo credit: Ara Lucia via photo pin cc

Dear Femme,

I’m an Asian lesbian in my 30′s and I’ve been single for almost a year. I can’t seem to find that special woman who I feel physically and emotionally attracted too and who feels the same about me. I was always in a relationship in my 20′s and felt the need to be intimate with someone but in my 30′s. I no longer need to fullfill that sexual need. I also find it harder as I get older to find a partner. I moved to another state for a partner I trusted. But she left me for a man who was her best friend and whom I also believed was my friend. I believe lesbian relationships don’t last and have begun to feel jaded. I don’t like to feel lonely and hate sleeping alone but can’t seem to find a woman that I can feel intimate attracted too and safe with. Please help, thanks.

Azn

Hi Azn,

Thanks for writing in! There is a lot going on here. You’ve had a bad experience and I’m sorry for that. You placed your trust in the wrong person, changed your life for her, she betrayed you and it sucks. But you need to move on.

Being single for a year isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you; it’s not even that long to be single! It seems as though you have already starting thinking about your own needs and what you want from a partner. I’m going to suggest that you continue to learn about yourself and worry less about being single. Put finding love on hold for a little while and go out and have fun.

No matter how cute you are, girls can’t bust into your bedroom and find you. photo credit: Helga Weber via photo pin cc

Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself.  Join a gym, take cooking or art classes, drink your coffee at a café instead of at home. While you are out doing things and learning to love your own company, the right woman will come along. But you won’t meet her if you are at home hiding under the covers and crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

Also, you should keep in mind that just because your former love left you for a man, not all women will do that to you. You can’t judge a whole group of people based on the actions of one person from that group. It’s crazy to say that all lesbian relationships are doomed to failure. The Chick-Fil-A guy didn’t put some crazy curse on us that causes girl on girl relationships to fail…ermm…I hope he didn’t. Either way I’m sure it won’t work. Any who, approaching another girl with the mindset of “she’s going to leave me for a man” is damaging to you and insulting to her. It’s also a huge turn off if she finds out that you think this way. Stereotyping isn’t sexy.

What I’m saying is, people change and there is going to be drama, betrayal, love, affection in any relationship, gay or straight. People of all orientations, genders, races, religions and political affiliations get their hearts broken and if they are lucky, they find their forever love.

XOXO
The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: Do Lesbian Relationships Last? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

So you want to bring your girlfriend home for the holidays? Congratulations! It’s great to have someone who means so much to you that you’re willing to brave the holidays together. The holidays are simultaneously the best and most stressful time of the year and a successfully integrating your partner into the fun will help everyone bond. Below are some of my tips for making this process as smooth as possible.

DISH ON THE FAMILY DYNAMICS

Let your partner know about family traditions, frequent topics of discussion and what your family expects in terms of behavior from guests. If your Aunt Mildred hates your cousin’s boyfriend because he didn’t compliment her eggnog recipe, let your girlfriend know to throw out a compliment so she doesn’t incur Aunt Mildred’s eternal wrath. Is there a mandatory family football game? Teach her how to play so she doesn’t get left out.

Giving your partner the inside scoop on family dynamics will help her to relate to your family and get along with them better.

INTRODUCE IMMEDIATE FAMILY IN ADVANCE

Everyone’s family structure is different. For most of us, immediate family is parents and siblings. For others, it’s grandparents, or an aunt or uncle. Either way, you want to introduce your girlfriend to a very few, close family members before she meets your extended family for the holidays.

You’re probably thinking, ”but why are you making me go through this twice?” Because it will make things easier for your partner. By getting to know a few people, you’re ensuring she won’t be stuck with no one to talk to during larger holiday parties. It’s hard for anyone to go to a party not knowing anyone and when it’s your girlfriend’s family, there’s extra pressure to make a good impression. Do everything you can to make her feel comfortable and welcome.

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS

If you are fortunate enough to be able to stay in a hotel without making any family members angry, congratulations! Enjoy being able to keep the sexy times train rolling through the holiday season. When most of us go home, we are at the mercy of our guests. If you have cool parents, who are fine with you and your girlfriend sleeping in the same bed, congratulations! Your parents are like, way cool.

So, let’s say you don’t have parents who are down with you and your sig other sleeping in the same room, even though they know you two are totally already doing it anyway and it’s completely unfair because you’re an adult now! I have to quote Disney’s Elsa and tell you to “let it go.” There is going to be tension and awkwardness because it’s the holidays, and that’s what happens, so choose your battles wisely. Unless your parents are treating you differently from your hetero siblings, just accept that you aren’t getting laid this week. If your parents are singling you out, then gently call them out on it and let them know that the double standard isn’t right.

INTRODUCE HER TO EVERYONE

Like, formally. Going up to everyone and looking them in the eye and introducing your partner will:
A. Help them remember her name.

B. Reduce ambiguity about whether or not she’s your girl friend or your girlfriend.

C. Make her more comfortable joining into conversations going on around her.

So do it.

GIFTS

If there are gifts involved, put your girlfriend’s name on all the cards you are giving out, even if she didn’t contribute any money towards anything. This is just being considerate. Also, help her pick out a hostess gift to bring with her to the main event. Everyone will appreciate her thoughtfulness.

HOMOPHOBIC FAMILY MEMBERS AND CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS

My golden rule when it comes to people who are homophobic, racist or otherwise horrible is to let them be the jerk. Always be generous and gracious, especially when others might judge your girlfriend by your reaction. I won’t lie, this isn’t easy.

Let me tell you a story, once upon a time, when I was planning my wedding, I sent an invitation to an aunt who believed that I was going to hell for being gay. I know, that’s crazy! But I was inviting her son, my cousin, and I didn’t want to put him in a position to feel like I was insulting his mother. I also didn’t want my aunt to feel bad if she was the only aunt that I didn’t invite. Why should I care about her feelings when she doesn’t care about mine? Because she’s family and I’m not the hateful one, she is. My aunt declined to come because she doesn’t believe in marriage equality and that’s fine. I can sleep at night, my relationship with my cousin is stronger than ever and I didn’t betray my own personal values.

When it comes to other controversial topics, give your partner a run-down of everyone’s “hot button” issues, so she knows to dip out of a conversation that gets too heated.

WHEN IT IS TIME TO LEAVE
• Offer to help clean up, even if you don’t really mean it. It’s the thought that counts.

• Say goodbye to everyone.

• Strip the bed/air mattress/couch you have been sleeping on and neatly fold the bedding.

• Give your girlfriend a high five for surviving her first holiday season with your family.

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post The ultimate guide to bringing your girlfriend home for the holidays first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.”

Hi,
I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years. attractive, talented, all of that. She was very sweet and friendly with me and finally single. But she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while, not really in the market now. (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.) She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe, but she’s who I really want.

Thank you,
WS

Hi WS,
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but, the girl you want, she’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

I know, it stings, but it’s not personal. You can’t force chemistry.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents as both a new partner and as the person who “made you” queer. Instead of having the ”but you were straight before you met her,” conversation when it’s too late, have it now when you don’t have a relationship that might be strained by it.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: You can’t force chemistry first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY EMILY
Team Dattch, the lesbian app

I recently moved out of my family home into a flat in London. Because I’ve been told that I’m an adult and should do that. My arrested development has lasted long enough. It’s time to have a bed I can have sex in that is not in the room next to my parents.

So I set about flat-hunting and found a great place in East London with some nice German people. Well, they seem nice; I don’t know them properly yet and they don’t know me, which means, at some point, they’ll find out that I’m gay.

Since I’m a femme, I’m unfairly afforded passing privilege and have to continually come out to most people I meet. Sometimes, this leads to a pleasant conversation with someone about how their sister is gay or they live next to a lesbian couple. This is fine with me as they’re just trying to say, “Hey, I get it. That’s OK by me,” the only way they know how, which, when you think about it, is far from being the worst response a person could get.

Other times, people like to crack a joke out of discomfort, give you a cheeky wink or ask you awkward questions. I know their brains are just exploding as they try and suppress the urge to just scream in my face, “BUT HOW DO YOU SEX?”

Again, I can handle these responses. What I’ve had almost no experience with is a truly negative reaction to my telling them I’m a lezzer; I’m completely unprepared for this event.

I’d love to think I’d have some bad-ass retort and that my brain will switch into ninja mode, conjuring up some witty, biting, life-altering sentence that just destroys and turns them into a pillar of salt that I can casually kick over and walk away from. However, I anticipate I will mostly fumble my words, leave awkwardly and cry in the toilets. Not that this isn’t a valid reaction to a homophobic, personal attack but my ego would like to believe I’m capable of the former.

So how could I tell the two strangers I’m now living with that I’m gay? It’s not like they’re casual acquaintances at a party who I can verbally obliterate then abandon; I have to live with these people, which is what stopped me just taking a deep breath and saying, “I’m a lesbian.”

I’ve never been great at breaking news to people; I blurt things out or try to cover things with humor. I admitted to my mum that I was a smoker by leaving a message on my bedroom door:

“Mum, those cigarettes you found were mine. I didn’t tell you because I’m a pussy. As you can tell from this note.”

Very mature.

In my effort to be a proper grown-up, it would probably have been a good idea to just drop something casually into conversation and see if my flatmates pickup on lesbo clues like “girlfriend,” “Candy bar,” “Tegan and Sara.” But with English not being their first language, I couldn’t bank on that working.

On my first day in my new flat, I sat in the kitchen with my flatmates, a guy and a girl, and we got to know each other a little bit. They asked me where I worked and I saw my opportunity. Dattch, a dating app that’s just for girls definitely implies lesbo, so I went with it. But then there was nothing; no conversation followed and no real acknowledgement of what I was trying to say. Maybe they didn’t get it.

I then thought of a convenient way to tell them I’m gay without actually having to tell them. I brought a friend over to the flat, introduced her to them, we had dinner and then had sex in my new room. Because that’s how grown-ups deal with things. I REGRET NOTHING!

Dattch — The Lesbian App is out for iOS and Android. Loved by Lesbian.com, AfterEllen and Autostraddle, we are the social platform for all things gay. Free download!

The post How to (not) come out to your flatmates first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY JACKIE
Team Dattch, the lesbian app

Dark corners plus loud music plus too many drunk people to care what’s happening equals sexy club fun times. Obviously, this was reciprocated but as first experiences go, it was a pretty good one.

The night itself however was nerve-wracking. It was my first trip to a lesbian bar since coming out. Considering that was only two years ago, it was kind of a big step for me. I’m not saying that I’d never been to a gay or lesbian bar before, but I was going now with an acceptance of who I was and knew EXACTLY what I wanted (hands down trousers wasn’t exactly that, but hey, it wasn’t something I was going to turn down either).

I was a wide-eyed baby dyke who got a pretty explicit education that night, and maybe that was the thrill of it for the other girl. It’s not necessarily everyone’s idea of a good first time, but it makes one of the better first-time stories in my friend group, that’s for sure!

It also made me more aware that the scene can be really intimidating when you’re first coming out and going in. I’ve told that I can come off as a little off-putting in terms of how I act when out with friends and can come across as a little bit cold or uninterested. But ,if I’m out with friends and there is someone alone, we’re usually the first to welcome them into the fold. It’s nice to think that you may be making someone else’s first time that little bit easier and welcoming.

The lesbian club-bar scene is slowly but surely improving. Yes, there are places out there and we all know this but there is still a long way to go until the “lesbian” spaces can truly rival the “gay” ones. Luckily, I’m managing to now make friends with the lezzers in charge of these, so keeping my finger on the pulse is proving to be easier than ever!

Not so sadly, my dirty club days are over. I still engage in a cheeky snog every now and then but I’m now at the stage where a frenetic dance routine to Beyonce or Girls Aloud is enough to keep me satisfied and everyone else in the place amused.

And the next time you see two girls snogging in a dark corner, raise your glass; they’re probably having the time of their life.

Dattch — The Lesbian App is out for iOS and Android. Loved by Lesbian.com, AfterEllen and Autostraddle, we are the social platform for all things gay. Free download!

The post Lesbian bar, the maiden voyage first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY AMI
Team Dattch, the lesbian app

Taking your girlfriend to a family party is a task fraught with potential disasters; will the assembled family and friends be welcoming, dismissive or furious? Will your girlfriend cope with the onslaught of relatives keen to get to know her, or, depending on their standpoint, keen to stop her “corrupting” their daughter/cousin/niece that, “always seemed so… normal?” Will your dad have thought to buy fruity cider? Because, you know, lesbians are coming!?

Family parties, to my mind, can go one of three ways; one that bimbles along awkwardly before your grandma falls asleep in her chair, blissfully unaware that you are a lesbian because “Her heart isn’t so good and she doesn’t need any shocks”; One that ends in a blazing row because Uncle Jim asked you when you were getting your ceremonial lesbian head shaving; Or one that involves your Drunk Aunt Sally revealing lesbian experiences at boarding school. The surprise bonus situation is your cousin asking what you actually “do” anyway, because all he gleaned from his lesbian porn collection is that they have really long nails and just rub each other vigorously.

I am out to the fam; in both the gangster and family sense. They’re as cool as any slightly squeamish, bemused parents could be expected to be. We have an unspoken “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement, which, whilst it did not have its place in the military, seems to work for us superficially. I just have to be above reproach in every other aspect of my life so they can’t blame any failing on my preference for the ladies.

So I don’t really worry about bringing girls home. I know I can keep the girlfriend in parental favor, just as long as I can get to the wet towels she will inevitably leave on my bed before my mother does, so what’s my problem with the family party?

It’s wondering whether my mother proudly will wave her metaphorical rainbow flag, or instead, call my partner the F-word? That’s right … will she introduce my girlfriend of however many months to the assembled guests as my special “friend”?

I don’t know why the word “friend” in this context serves to rile me so much, but I cannot abide my girlfriend being introduced as anything other than that. Anything that demotes her from that-girl-I-love-and-do-sex-with seems to me to be a step back in terms of parental acceptance. I can feel my eyes rolling when I even think back to instances where my mother has dropped the F-bomb to acquaintances.

I’m not sure what she thinks will happen if she reveals the truth about me to these people; a short stint on Google would probably be enough to confirm that I am a raging lezzer, but, seemingly convinced that they are going to recoil in horror and start flicking conveniently bottled holy water at me, she says “… and this is her special FRIEND”.

“No, Mum, special friend is what I call my fuck buddy,” I say. Silently. In my imagination.

A confirmed wimp by nature, I don’t do anything but quietly seethe, apologize to my girlfriend, and continue as if nothing has gotten to me. The most I’ve ever done is jump in and introduce the woman (with full title) myself, but this sometimes earns a disapproving look. To be honest, if I did object it may well be dismissed as hysterical oversensitive lesbian disorder, so I just leave it, grumble internally and exacerbate the beginnings of a stomach ulcer. I just invented that disorder, by the way.

Introductory irritations aside, my first experience taking a girlfriend to a large(ish) scale family went without a hitch until my 10 year old brother caught my girlfriend and me having a sneaky snog in the swimming pool. Being a boy and apparently unaware that this was a thing, he proceeded to tell on me and was met with the response, “Don’t worry, people do silly things when they are drunk,” which confirmed that my parents were more comfortable discussing the bad decisions made due to excessive beer than they were the topic of homosexuality. Amazing how a veneer of tolerance can be polished so brightly and yet the cracks so evident. Still, I counted myself lucky; I hadn’t been kicked out of the house because of my sexual orientation, my special friend had been welcomed to the party, but there was still a nasty, little niggling feeling that they didn’t want the neighbors to know that they had a gay. Just in case it is a phase, perhaps, or maybe because of the contagion. I don’t know.

If I cannot sum up the courage to politely ask that my girlfriend is afforded a title befitting a partner. I can only hope that in forty years’ time, when I still don’t have a boyfriend, yet rather suspiciously live with a woman, have popped out some kids to an invisible father, and continue to attend family parties in a flurry of dog hair and children who either curiously look like me, or my special friend, that I don’t need to say anything to the neighbors; they’ll just know.

Either that, or I’ll take up wearing dungarees full-time.

Dattch — The Lesbian App is out for iOS and Android. Loved by Lesbian.com, AfterEllen and Autostraddle, we are the social platform for all things gay. Free download!

The post Introducing your girlfriend to the family first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dear Femme,
My wifey and I have been together for 12 years. Realistically, we know that forever is a long ass time and we both are flirty people. We have a don’t ask don’t tell but DON’T CHEAT policy in place. Flirting is fine as long as it’s not in the other person’s face and doesn’t go beyond flirting. I can’t be sure, but I think my wife has crossed the line.

Heartbroken

Heartbroken,
If you are asking if you should leave your wife of 12 years over an innocuous text message exchange, the answer is no! Don’t leave her over that; that would be crazy. I definitely understand why you are hurt and angry but this isn’t a betrayal worthy of trashing a marriage over.

I admire you two for accommodating each other’s flirtiness. It’s reasonable to expect that in a long term relationship, two people will occasionally be attracted to other people. It’s how you handle those situations that make or break a long term relationship.

You say that your wife did betray your trust and break the “rules.” However, how communicative were you about these “rules?” Does she know that the “rules” stop just shy of getting numbers? If you haven’t been clear about where you are comfortable drawing the line, accept her apology and specifically state that you want the rule to be “no numbers exchanged.”

Nothing undermines a relationship quite like holding onto grudges. Being unforgiving of your partner, especially when s/he has apologized, is cutting off your nose to spite your face. So draw your line in the sand, forgive and head to couples counseling if you’re partner goes behind your back and does it again.

Good luck, Heartbroken!

xoxo,
The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: I think my wife cheated first appeared on Lesbian.com.

“Surviving the Silence: Love and Impossible Choices” is a new documentary about the 30-year relationship between Col. Patsy Thompson and activist Barbara Brass against the backdrop of Col. Grethe Cammermeyer’s dismissal from the National Guard. Thompson served on that commission, making a heart-wrenching decision to remain in the closet and continue the distinguished military career she loved.

Weathering intense, long-term separation as well as vigilantly working to evade detection, “Surviving the Silence” tells a story of enduring love and ultimate triumph for lesbians and gays in the military.

While Thompson elected to remain silent while she helmed the board that dismissed Cammermeyer, she framed the dismissal in such a way that Cammermeyer could take the issue before a federal court, which ultimately overturned the military ruling.

Decades later, Thompson and Cammermeyer discuss these impossible choices in “Surviving the Silence.”

Award-winning director and producer Cindy L. Abel of Atlantis Moon Productions is leading the project, which launched a Kickstarter campaign for funding. Make a contribution.

Thompson and Brass shared the secrets to their long-term success and elation at finally telling their story with Lesbian.com.

How did you and Col. Pat meet and fall in love? What would you say is the key to your longevity?

Barb: I was looking to meet other lesbians and went to a house party for women over 40. Though I was 30, I thought an older woman was just what I needed. Little did I know then how right I was.

Pat: Athletic ability was a “must have” on my list. I was immediately attracted to Barb and asked her to go running. There was just something that drew me to her. I knew I had to get to know her. That “knowing” is what helped us get through so many of the challenges. I always felt so fortunate that we found each other.

Barb: There were certainly inherent challenges, like a 20-year age difference. Different backgrounds: Pat was raised in rural North Carolina in a conservative family, I was raised in California by holocaust survivors. And different perspectives: I was a pacifist, wanting to be fully out, Pat was a military officer whose career demanded being in the closet.

Pat: We are so different in so many ways and yet have many of the same likes. We each enjoy many varied interests, so that keeps us interesting and interested. We spent years working together on our house and experiencing the joys of accomplishment. Both our joys and sorrows have ways of bringing us closer together.

Barb: We were committed to each other and to our relationship. We created a home — a sanctuary &#!51; where we could be ourselves. We had a secret code to communicate when our phone conversations could be listened to. We trusted each other to be true. And, our military-caused separations have added to the preciousness of our time together.

The film “Surviving the Silence” chronicles your love story against the backdrop of no gays in the military. What challenges did Col. Pat’s career present to your relationship? Why did you decide to share this story?

Pat: My career viability demanded that Barb be invisible to the government, so that set up far too many situations in which we had to make impossible choices. How could I choose between who I am and the work I was called to? How could Barb choose between being with me and openly working for equality? How could we be “together” yet be apart? These are impossible choices — neither is fulfilling — so we had to find a way to get the best we could out of every situation.

Barb: The hardship of being apart while Pat was serving at the Pentagon as the Chief Nurse of the Army Reserves National Guard or in the jungles of Panama was amplified by the anxiety of always wondering, did someone catch on to us? Will they report us? Were unknown investigations going on? The all-consuming drive to be closeted permeated our lives and kept us in a stranglehold of fear as well as an underlying subtle sense of shame.

Pat: And that’s why I love being able to tell our story. It puts a real face on the impact of laws. It also shares what was at stake and how much was required to earn the freedom to serve in the military and the right to marry the person one loves. Our stories are what we have to give the world to help bring humanity closer together.

The end of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” came post-Col. Pat’s military career, but what was it like to hear that it was over?

Pat: Initially, the DADT policy had offered a momentary glimmer of hope but it soon turned out to be just as bad as the previous policy. When it was overturned, I wasn’t sure if it was really over. It felt unbelievable, after all this time.

Barb: I thought, “Finally, no one would have to live through what we did!” Our country was moving in the right direction. I could see how moved Pat was as she got the phone call about the announcement.

What impact do you hope to make with this documentary?

Pat: Telling our story documents history. So little of what is taught in schools includes LGBT people. Even as laws are changing, young LGBT people and non-LGBT folks don’t really know how we have gotten to this moment in time.

Barb: “Surviving the Silence” tells our story — how love did, wonderfully, beat the many odds and survive despite the silence. And, it also reveals one of the most impossible choices Pat had to make: whether to preside over the board that would dismiss Colonel Grethe Cammermeyer from the military for being a lesbian. (Col. Cammermeyer’s experience was told in her book “Serving in Silence” and made into a 1995 television movie executive-produced by Barbra Streisand and starring Glenn Close.)

What was she to do? She could have come out and then there would have been two of them getting kicked out. She could’ve presided over the board, but not pushed for anything beyond the inevitable discharge so she could avoid any suspicion. Or she could fulfill her duty in a way that allowed Grethe the best possible defense. Pat was so brave, that she took steps that led to Grethe being able to get into federal court and being reinstated. I agree with Grethe when she says Pat is a hero. And now the world will finally learn about her courage — just one of the many reasons I love her.

What have you learned about yourselves in the process of making this film?

Pat: That we can still make more room in our busy schedules to accomplish things that are important to us.

Barb: Looking back over my life to gather information for the film has had a clarifying effect on my sense of purpose. So much of what I wanted my life to accomplish has begun and has taken a direction that I never imagined.

In looking back over your relationship in the making of this film, what do you wish you’d known then that you know now?

Pat: It might have been easier to endure the impossible choices placed in our way by the very government I was serving if I’d known we’d reach this place personally and as a country. But it’s finding a way to survive those choices that made Barb and me so strong as individuals and as a couple.

Barb: Some of my anxiety might have been reduced during those long separations, if I’d been able to glimpse into the future and see how we would weather all the storms of the past 30 years and still be as in love and loving as we are. But it’s the not knowing that made us work so hard to make the impossible possible, so it’s probably best we didn’t know.

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The post Colonel meets pacifist: 30 years of closeted love first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Alas, you’re not losing it every 30 minutes. Once the intense sadness and cry-fests from your recent break up has coursed its way through and flipped your once safe world upside down, a new and unknown journey on the road to recovery starts to begin.

For me, it’s the first time, in a long time, I’m connecting back with me. At the same time, I’m gently healing the parts of myself, damaged by the emotional, physical and spiritual neglect I experienced in our unstimulating relationship.

It’s no surprise that we sometimes lose ourselves in our partner. Luckily, some of us cling to some form of consciousness, so we don’t lose ourselves completely. However, the parts of us that were lost likely were also damaged.

But every day, you come back alive. The more alive you become, it’s likely the more you see the relationship in a different light. The more you see it this way, the more you’ll resent her. The more you resent her, the more you try to let it all go and forgive her. This 24-seven cycle is what I call growth, my friends.

Being single is so interesting. From cooking dinner for one and watching whatever you want to seeing whoever you want, this whole me-myself-and-I thing settles in.

During my own journey, I’m not morphing into someone I’m not distracting myself with people who don’t know the genuine me. This is a good time to even put some acquaintance-types of friends on pause because they don’t nurture your growth. Their whole “you just need to sleep with someone, that’ll help you get over it” answer might not be the solution you want to hear.

The switch from a unit to individual is spiritual, if you let it be. By using the word spiritual, I mean a deep, blind dive into a sadness-drenched, physically painful, obsessive self-doubting whirlwind and, now, the start of a rebirth. The old and the new you start to collide.

One of my favorite things I’ve read (and re-read) is the concept of “conscious uncoupling” from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, Goop. This is some deep stuff and with an open mind, you might get the idea. Of course, we don’t feel this zen about it all the time.

Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami write in their article on the Goop site: “It seems ironic to say that a marriage coming apart is the cause of something else coming together, but it’s true. Conscious uncoupling brings wholeness to the spirits of both people who choose to recognize each other as their teacher. If they do, the gift they receive from their time together will neutralize their negative internal object that was the real cause of their pain in the relationship. If we can allow ourselves this gift, our exoskeleton of protection and imprisonment will fall away and offer us the opportunity to begin constructing an endoskeleton, an internal cathedral, with spiritual trace minerals like self-love, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. This process allows us to begin projecting something different into the world because we’ve regained a missing part of our heart.”

Your exoskeleton will shed everyday and your eyes will open every hour. One day, they’ll be so open that you’ll be thankful your relationship crushed your heart and spirit for that time.

So, while your getting used to the new quietness, there’s a strong self-revolution on its way. A better you — a little smarter, maybe more cautious, but a mended spirit, broken and reconstructed, all on your own.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.

The post Single ladies, it’s time to fall back in love with you first appeared on Lesbian.com.