Coming from a predominantly white, conservative area of the world (Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada) with more trees than people, I hid my sexuality from my single mother, from everyone until the past several years. I thought marrying a man was the right thing to do for my daughter, so I did it. I remember signing the marriage license with lackluster.

Fast-forward to 2013 and I met someone who would change the course of my life. I recently married the love of my life and finally had to come out to my mother who, to my surprise, didn’t skip a beat about the whole thing. I actually think, looking back now, she knew more than I cared to admit. My marriage came as no surprise to her at all and she treats my wife like a daughter (and then some).

As a mixed race lesbian, my childhood and teen years weren’t exactly smooth sailing, to say the least. I looked forward to adulthood because I believed that I would be accepted for who I was in the adult world and I could escape the ridicule and shunning I experienced for years.

The recent terror attacks and threats aimed at the LGBTQ has been particularly challenging for me to cope with and brings back a great deal of memories in one form or another. The other side of things is that I’m somewhat in the spotlight as a Celebrity Numerologist, two-time bestselling author and featured columnist for LotteryUSA.com (with over 8 million visitors per month). I’ve been on major media and if you google my name, you’ll find over 40,000 pages of Michelle Arbeau. I feel like I’m a moving target for judgment of all kinds.

There’s an extra fear factor of coming out of the closet and being completely open when you’re in the spotlight in some way. I worried how my publishers would feel, if I’d still get media interviews, and how my fans and clientele would feel that their favorite numerologist was a lesbian.

I had come out to myself but it was time to come out of the closet all the way. I decided to nonchalantly post something on social media and held my breath it would be well-received. To my shock and delight, no one disapproved, not a single soul. Given the fact that I have a lot of social media followers, that’s saying something.

As horrific as the recent attack in Orlando was and the attempted attack in West Hollywood, do we continue to live in fear of being ourselves? Hell no. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from not only being gay but being mixed race is that it’s worse to hide it than any other way. There will always be people who will hate you for one reason or another, whether it’s because you’re gay or because you’re simply wearing the wrong shirt. Hatred is everywhere but I want to leave you with one quote from a special older friend I had years ago that applies to this situation in a round about way. He told me this: “The recessions have never affected me because I never believed it was about me.”

We can live in fear or we can believe that an isolated terror attack toward the LGBTQ community isn’t about you, your friends, loved ones, etc. It won’t happen to you, it’s not a part of your reality. As terrible as it is, this was someone else’s path, not yours or mine.

Walk tall, stand proud and believe that your path is a different one than these terrorists want us to believe. Who has the right to decide it is ever wrong to be yourself?

Michelle Arbeau is an internationally recognized Celebrity Numerologist, author, inspirational speaker and radio/tv host. She has a Hollywood clientele base that includes Twilight vampires, Big Bang Theory actress, Pirates of the Caribbean actor, NBC Director, Celebrity stylist and many more.

A media favorite and considered an expert in her field, Michelle is frequently a repeat guest on national outlets such as CBC Radio, CTV Morning Live and Breakfast Television (media list). For more info, visit Michelle Arbeau online.

The post Coming Out When You’re Already in the Spotlight first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Illustration by Lee Ely

Hello there Femme!

Before tonight I had never heard of lesbian.com but I stumbled upon it after a night out with my girls and I saw your advice column. I really like how honest you are with your readers and I decided after reading like three posts to submit a question.

First of all, I have always identified as heterosexual. I’ve made out with a couple ladies in my teens but never been intimate with another woman. I find women attractive but I never really considered myself a bisexual or lesbian until recently.

I’m at a point now where I feel as though I am bisexual because I seek out lesbian pornography and I am extremely curious about relations with women. Not only that, there was a really hot girl working one of the concession stands tonight at the fair who told me I was “so cute.” I just melted under pressure and said thanks, tipped her and left. I thought about her the rest of the night. I’m comfortable enough to own my sexuality within myself but, I’ve been dating this guy for close to two years and that sort of complicates things.

A part of me thinks I need to tell him because I know that not everyone feels comfortable with dating a bisexual. At the same time, I’m not sure how he’ll react once he finds out and if our relationship will be secure.

I just want to know if it’s the right thing to go ahead and tell him or just keep it to myself.

-To Share or not to Share

Dear Share,

Congratulations on finding yourself! I’m really excited for you to begin this journey. But you know, talk about burying the lede! It sounds like maybe you aren’t very serious about this guy you have been dating for two years, because you don’t call him your boyfriend. Still, two years is a really long time to just date someone casually and you obviously don’t want to lose him. I vote tell him. Tell him because you need to see if he’s is someone worth keeping. I can’t say if your relationship will be secure once you tell him, because I don’t know how he will feel about dating someone who is bisexual. But if you lose him, then good riddance. Biphobia is definitely something you will encounter along your journey, Share. But there are plenty of people who will be totally cool with it and these are the people who are worth your time and affection.

On another note, it’s really unclear to me whether or not you and this guy are monogamous. If you are monogamous, then you probably shouldn’t get numbers from cute concession stand workers. Going out with women when you are in a relationship with a man is only okay if you and that man have discussed this and everyone is fine with that arrangement- including the women you want to date. Communication to all romantic partners is so important when you are dating more than one person. That holds true no matter what your orientation.

Best of luck, Share! Let us know how it goes!

xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about them visit http://www.latewerks.com or purchase their work at https://society6.com/latewerks.

The post Ask the Femme: Should I tell my boyfriend I’m bisexual? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

“Forgive Me If I’ve Told You This Before” has been nominated in the LGBT Children’s/Young Adult category. The book tells the story of small-town high school student Triinu Hoffman, who must navigate through bullies, first loves, and the upheaval of LGBT rights in 1990s Oregon.

Now, in its twenty-seventh year, The Lambda Literary Awards, aka The Lammys, is the nation’s preeminent award for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender books. Stetz-Waters has been nominated alongside writers published by the likes of Simon & Schuster, Candlewick Press, and Harlequin Enterprises. Winners will be announced at a ceremony on June 1 in New York City.

The post Oregon author Karelia Stetz-Waters nominated for Lambda Literary Award first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Rainbow cake was sitting on the kitchen table, not Funfetti, but Party Rainbow Chip with matching frosting. Iced on the cake were the words, “I’m gay!” with a smiley face, and bouquets of rainbow balloons were tied to each chair.

I wanted my coming out experience to be a joyful occasion, even humorous. I imagined jumping out of a huge rainbow stripper cake, confetti flying everywhere, my arms raised in the air, gleefully shouting, “I’m gay!”

That was Christmas night eight years ago. I was 19-years-old, home from college for winter break.
This is what actually happened.

My family and I got back home from our annual Christmas night movie, and I went to my room, closed the door, crouched on the floor in the corner by my bed, and cried. I wanted to come out, but I was terrified.

I had made a pact with some of my college friends that we would all come out to our families. Two of my friends came out before I did, and their experiences weren’t ideal, one was actually quiet horrible. I sat on my bedroom floor, calling different friends, trying to get the courage to come out to my family, and going over different ways that I could do it. The rainbow cake was one idea.

As I heard my siblings getting ready to leave to their friends for the night, I knew I had to do it soon while everyone was still home.

I stood up, opened my bedroom door, walked down the hallway into my kitchen (there was no rainbow cake), and I started crying. In between sobs, with my head down, I said, “I’m gay.”

The response that I got from my family was amazing. They threw me a coming out party, and there was a rainbow cake. There were also rainbow balloons, rainbow and lesbian-themed gifts (my grandma Emmy painted me rainbow wine glasses), and even a coming out mixed CD with Dianna Ross’ “I’m Coming Out.”

I knew I was attracted to women when I was 5-years-old. I came out to my best friend when I was 18. I was never not out at college, and I started the coming out process to my huge Mexican-American family at 19 (like 500 plus cousins huge – on one side of the family).

Coming out of the closet was an ongoing experience for me. After college, when my aunts, uncles and cousins asked me what I was doing, almost everything I did was gay. Every time I opened my mouth, I was coming out.

“What have you been up to?”

“I’ve been writing. I started writing for Curve Magazine.

“You write for Curves? The women’s fitness magazine? I love that one!”

“I actually write for Curve. They’re a lesbian magazine.”

Once I turned 24, I stopped coming out of the closet about my sexuality. I didn’t hide my work or the gay things in my life. I just stopped caring about people’s reactions to what I said. I had no more fear about my sexual orientation.

What changed? Five years ago, I made the New Year’s resolution to love myself unconditionally, and I started by writing.

I kept a lot of journals throughout elementary school to early high school, and I was ashamed of them. I wasn’t ashamed because of society’s gendered and childlike take on journaling. I was ashamed because aside from my goals of being a WMBA player, tallying my sports card collections and writing ideas on making money, my pages were filled with my isolation and fear around my sexual orientation. I even wrote in code in case anyone stumbled upon my journals so that they would just think I was lonely, and not that I was attracted to women. I often thought about burning my journals so no one would ever find them.

My shame from 5-years-old to 18-years-old was packaged neatly between the pages of blue sparkling journals, black and white bespeckled composition notebooks, green 70-sheet, wide-rule subject notebooks, and various other journals I received over the years for Christmas and birthdays.

Writing can be scary, especially when you share it, but writing can also be powerful.

I have always been more aware of my self and my surroundings than most people my age, but when it came to journaling about my sexual orientation when I was younger, I had very little self-awareness. At 10, 14, 16 — it was hard for me to take a step back and view my emotions and my experiences from an outside perspective. Instead, I let them swallow me whole.

Isolation, silence and ignoring aspects of my identity — those were my go-to coping mechanisms. I was living in fear, and I was blind to how much support I had.

Self-love writing is different from regularly journaling, and self-love writing is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. It’s different in that it asks you to foster your self-awareness. It’s different in that no self-critical talk is allowed, unless you’re addressing it to confront it, challenge it and change it. It’s different in that it gives you an avenue to explore your emotions and the messages they’re trying to tell you without getting lost in them. Self-Love writing is a tool that I use to explore any aspect of myself that I want to learn more about or that I want to learn to love unconditionally.

Self-love writing is one aspect and one tool of my Self-Love Diet practice, which is cultivating love for myself through exploring my relationship with my spirit, body, thoughts, feelings, relationships, culture and world.
I’m now 27, and I have very little shame about any aspect of my identity. When it comes to self-love writing, I don’t write about my sexual orientation anymore. It’s no longer something that I need to work through.

The biggest thing I struggle with now is living with bipolar disorder and paranoia, but through self-love writing and my Self-Love Diet practice, I’ve even let go of most of the shame and fear with those experiences. Although either are no walk in the park, I now see them as gifts, and I see how working through them I have been able to strengthen my love for myself.

With bipolar disorder, I’ve worked a lot on creating structure and creating a stronger relationship with my emotions. Although certain emotions can be difficult to experience, I see each emotion as a gift with a message to tell me, and I now have the skills to decipher those messages and act accordingly in the most loving way possible in each moment.

Paranoia can be terrifying, and sometimes like a living hell. I struggled a lot to find the positives within paranoia, but about six months ago, I realized the gift in it. Working through it helped me to release my anxiety, to become adept at self-soothing, to confront my fears and to live life with more peace and joy.

Through my Self-Love Diet practice, as well as a support system I’ve created for myself and seeing a psychiatrist, I don’t cycle into either as frequently, and when I do, I know I can handle it.
Through my Self-Love Diet practice, I can honestly say that I love all of myself. Loving myself doesn’t mean that I never have self-doubts, insecurities or negative thoughts, but it does mean that I’m equipped to become aware of them, confront them and try to change them. Loving myself doesn’t mean that life will always be easy, but it does mean that I’ll be able to navigate it in the most loving way. Loving myself doesn’t mean that I will always choose the most loving thing for myself in each moment, but it does mean that I will be kind and patient with myself.

Every January, for the past 5 years, I have recommitted myself to love, and I encouraged myself to do that through co-creating a 31-Day Self-Love Diet Writing Challenge with my mom, Michelle Minero, a therapist who specializes in eating disorder recovery.

This year marks the 5th Annual 31-Day Self-Love Diet Writing Challenge. Last year, 100 people participated, submitting over 500 self-love posts, from the US, the UK, Australia and Costa Rica.
I’m inviting you to join us.

We’re born into a society that teaches us that we’re not okay as we are, and not just relating to our sexual orientation. In school, self-love isn’t in the curriculum. It’s not something that’s taught by society. If we feel flawed, we’ll pay money for diets, for clothes, for whatever to fill the void and the feeling that we’re not enough.

Everyone has a self-love journey; you just have to discover it. Once you discover it, you can choose to explore it. I’m inviting you to explore yours.

This January, instead of following a traditional New Year’s resolution, choose to commit yourself to love.

My mom and I will share 31 Self-Love Diet writing prompts, one for each day this January. You can share your writing on the 31-Day Self-Love Diet Writing Challenge Facebook event page. You can write in your own journal. You can also submit your writing to be published on the Love Warrior Community, where we will be publishing each writing prompt. The Love Warrior Community is an online community that we co-founded that uses creative expression to foster healing, self-acceptance, body acceptance and self-love.

Last year, one woman shared her journey of coming out of the closet at 52, with kids, and navigating dating.

Another participant shared, “I have discovered that I have a fear of succeeding, its easier to rationalize not achieving goals when we don’t try, but it’s harder to accept when you work really hard and it doesn’t work out. I want to find a way to get past this. I feel there are a lot of things that I am holding back on but I should be able to accomplish. I’m tired of looking at the ‘what it’s’ and not going for it. I am jumping and I hope I can handle what ever comes.”

Another woman shared, “I am aggressively pro me. I will not limit my options based on my insecurity.”

My New Year’s resolution for 2015 is to recommit myself to loving myself. I’m excited to further explore my self-love journey and to strengthen my Self-Love Diet practice. It may not always be easy, but it’s definitely worthwhile.

I hope you join me.

Join the Facebook event to find out more about the 31-Day Self-Love Diet Writing Challenge or if you’re not on Facebook, you can read more about it on the Love Warrior Community.

Emelina Minero is a self-love enthusiast, passion supporter, mental health and LGBTQ advocate and feminist who does freelance writing, editing, social media and publicity. Follow her on Twitter @CommKr8veWriter.

The post How my new year’s resolution five years ago changed my life first appeared on Lesbian.com.

“Getting Over the Rainbow” by Danielle Ariano
92 pages (E-book only)
$2.99

Danielle Ariano has written a wonderful memoir about coming out.

Yes, we still need these stories. Of course we do, especially when they are as well-written and engaging as this book.

“Getting Over the Rainbow” follows the author through the years beginning with her accepting her sexuality and ending with her wedding. This memoir immediately sends the reader to the nostalgia train back to one’s own coming out process.

Sometimes painful in its honesty, (Ariano writes the shame she felt about being gay) it is also funny and touching. From beginning to end, it was a pleasure to read. This is her first book. I hope we see more from her in the future.

Danielle Ariano is a writer and cabinetmaker. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, Baltimore Fishbowl and Cobalt Review. Her forthcoming memoir, “Getting Over the Rainbow,” will be published by Shebooks October 31, 2014.

Ariano lives in Lutherville, Maryland, with her wife and their two dogs. When she is not writing or building, you can usually find her at the beach surfing. She blogs at Daniwrites.org.

The post Review: ‘Getting Over the Rainbow’ first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Well, I can see why Jillian Michaels says she feels uncomfortable talking about being “out.” She doesn’t do it very well. But, maybe we should get off her back, unless you’re there adding weight for her push ups.

Apparently, in an interview for Health magazine she said, “…The gay thing has always been hard for me. When Heidi (her partner) and I are out, and somebody older asks, ‘are we sisters?’ I say, ‘we’re friends.’ I guess it comes from thinking that they will be shocked or disturbed. Look I wish I had some strapping football player husband. It would be such a dream to be normal like that, but I’m just not.”

Before you jump on MY back for defending her (I have a hard enough time doing push ups), let me point something out, clearly, she does have a hard time about “the gay thing.” And, I don’t think it’s just talking about it that’s difficult for her.

Look at what she’s conveying in just one short paragraph: She’s concerned what some random older person might think about her sexuality and that maybe it would be better somehow to be straight. But she’s still out! Clearly, it was a bad choice of words. Had she said “average” we might not have cared. Because we ARE normal. But, if we’re only 10 percent of the population (or 20 or whatever) we’re not average. Calm down, we’re above average! Relax and read on.

I think she was just trying to say it’s difficult but it’s not a choice. She is who she is. And, at least, SHE’S OUT. If she’s got internalized homophobia that’s still bugging her but she’s still out, more kudos to her.

My own homophobia kept me in the closet forever. And, when I finally did come out, I was out to everyone and didn’t care what people thought. But, it took me a LONG time. Part of the reason it took me so long was I didn’t see others like me. And, while my washboard abs have way more laundry on them than do hers, I would have loved to have had an example like that. A strong, sexy woman who’s gay and out. Saying that she is who she is and it’s not a choice.

There are a lot of celebrities who are afraid to be out. They don’t say we’re not normal because they don’t say anything at all. And, isn’t that worse? Admitting that it can be difficult sometimes because we are not like “everybody” else but we are who we are seems OK to me. We’re here. We’re queer. And, sometimes we say stupid shit.

I don’t know Jillian Michaels. I’ve never watched her show and I probably wouldn’t even recognize her if I saw her in the street (unless she was doing push ups with you on her back). So I’m not jumping to the defense of a friend or favorite. But, I think someone in a business that literally rates what the public thinks of you and who worries what some old fart might think of her about being gay and still comes out deserves a few points for that.

She should not, however, apply for our official gay spokesperson job.

And, I would also like to point out that I am a strapping football player, hint hint. OK, I’m totally kidding, I’m not strapping and she’s not my type, but if Julie Bowen ever talks about wanting a moderately muscled football player with bad knees, let me know.

Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians. She can be heard weekly as co-host of LA Talk Radio‘s “Cathy Is In: The Cathy DeBuono Show.”

The post Jillian Michaels, I had a hard time with the gay thing, too first appeared on Lesbian.com.

In my last blog post, “Crush or Be Crushed,” I recounted a story about elementary school days when chasing away boys and girls across the playground for schoolyard fun turned to chasing boys and girls to catch them. Back then, a classmate and friend, Dan, took an interest in me. He could have been my first boyfriend, but there was a problem; I had a crush on a girl.

Her name was Karen and she was the new girl in town, fresh from Ohio. She arrived well after the school year started. Her clothes were of good quality and her blond hair was pinned with a colorful barrette that matched her dress. Her kindness was apparent from the get-go. She quickly became the teacher’s pet and the favorite of many students. I had to fight to spend time with her.

I didn’t question why my heart soared when I was near her, or why I thought of her so often. She was a beautiful person, inside and out—reason enough, not that I needed one. I wanted to hold her hand, not Dan’s. I wanted to spend time with her, and when we were together walking, I would put my arm around her shoulder as I would occasionally do with my sisters, but not my other friends.

For her birthday, I scraped together all the money I had—over two dollars—to buy her a T-shirt. Usually my mother bought the gifts for my classmates, but because she was so special, I wanted to spend my own money. At the party, she thanked everyone in the gracious manner I had come to know. She was always polite, also smart and pretty. I adored her. I had a crush on an angel.

As we walked home from school one day, I whispered those three little words and proceeded to kiss her on the cheek. She giggled. She may have blushed. I was ecstatic! Luckily, she took the news well and I’d venture to guess she told no one.

Dan remained persistent in his attentions, but I knew being his girlfriend wasn’t right for me. I also knew my love for Karen was somehow not the right thing either. Girls did not take up with girls; Barbie didn’t go steady with Midge. Our time together amounted to precious few hours and I never spoke of my feelings again.

Her father had transferred to town for work. She finished the school year and a small part of the next before shipping back out to Ohio. I was crushed! My young heart broke and I cried alone in my room. There was no one to tell. The following year I moved a short distance away and changed to a new school district where I made new friends.

When he turned thirteen, Dan invited me to his bar mitzvah, but after that I never saw him again either. He grew up to become a rabbi, married, and had kids. About ten years ago, someone from the old neighborhood spoke with him and told him I was gay. Perhaps that explained something for him. I don’t know what happened to Karen, but I know falling in love with her was the right thing. I hope she fondly remembers our short time, as I do.

Zoe Amos brings her lesbian point of view to articles and stories on diverse topics. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. Read her stories on Kindle and Nook. Check out her other life at www.janetfwilliams.com

The post From A to Zoe: Crushing on Karen first appeared on Lesbian.com.