So you like a girl and she likes you…but then what?! Robin and Lacie, a real life lesbian couple, share their tips on sealing the deal and keeping the deal sealed. Watch their silly, but totally true, hacks for learning to live with your person long term and keeping the romance alive. Spoiler alert: try not to fart in front of your person.

photo credit: still love you. via photopin (license)

The post Bloggers Lacie and Robin Talk Relationship Hacks first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Meet Queer Abby, feel free to ask her anything in the comments below or write to her directly at abagailwaller@gmail.com.

If the title wasn’t warning enough….

WARNING: this story contains language not suitable for those who are squeamish about the female body and it’s hormonal complexities. Do not read if you are offended, grossed out by, or have any other negative feelings about the functions of the female body. Also, if you feel this way don’t read anything I write ever because you’re a sexist poop-head.

A thing that has been a thing in my life for quite some time is that I have had chronic urinary issues. Like, it sometimes still feels like I need to pee after I pee and sometimes I just feel like my vag is mad at me after I do pee. She’s so high-maintenance.

So, I set up a doctor’s appointment. My normal OBGYN didn’t have an appointment for a while so they asked if I wanted to set one up with someone else. Eh, sure. Why not? So they set me up with a different doctor. Important to note: I was also told I was due for my pap appointment…so I set that up for the soonest my doc. had available: Jan. 14th.

I go in to see her and she checks everything out — yay, pelvic exam #1! She ultimately tells me that everything looks okay but considering my symptoms I should see a urologist. Ok, fast-forward to two weeks later…aka: Jan. 13th = pelvic exam #2 and some other extreeemely unpleasant catheter-type stuff. It’s not fun. Don’t do it.

Well, the doc. determined (I guess by process of elimination) that I have IC or Interstitial cystitis…which means peeing can hurt sometimes. Great. He prescribes some pretty cool sounding natural stuff that I’m actually optimistic about and then some stuff that turns my pee blue. Seriously. Freaking blue kool-aid blue. Am now a smurf.

Okay, so that just leaves my last appointment…the very next day. Pelvic exam #3. I guess my high-maintenance pelvis is finally getting all the attention she wants. FML.

At this point, I’ve been prodded and probed so many times that I’m pretty copacetic about going in for yet another pelvic exam. I meet with the incredibly kind nurse who asks me questions to update my medical history, takes my blood pressure, and tells me to undress and put on the always-chic hospital gown. After she leaves I go through the process of taking off my numerous layers of winter clothing — including my tall boots and tall socks. I put my socks back on because; dammit…it’s cold in those exam rooms! My doc comes in the room and proceeds to ask me how I’m doing. I let her know that, other than the bladder stuff that’s being addressed by the urologist, everything seems fairly normal with the exception of monster cramps during some of my menstrual cycles. Just when she starts to talk about how birth control or a Mirena IUD might help, the lights above my head start flashing. I start to ask what’s going on when alarms start going off too.

Doc: “Oh no. Really? Not again.”
Me: “Um, oh…it’s the fire alarm.”

Doc: “Yeah. It’s a drill. You’re already here and undressed. Do you want to try to go ahead and take care of the exam?”
Me: “…….I. Um. I’m not sure, I guess? If you think we have time?”
Doc: “Let me check just to see if they want us to evacuate.”

My doctor leaves the room and I sit there with sirens blaring and lights flashing around me with nothing but my thin over-sized gown and see-through sheet over my lap. No longer do I feel completely copacetic.

My doc reenters the room and tells me that, yes, they want us to evacuate. She then says that, if I’m up for it, we can go ahead and do the exam really quickly so that I don’t have to put all my clothes back on, go all the way downstairs and out of the hospital, and wait for who knows how long only to have to come all the way back upstairs and get undressed again for such a quick medical exam. I agreed that, sure, if she thought there was time, to go ahead and do it.

So, the doc calls the nurse in, I scooch my butt all the way to the end of the table…and with lights flashing over my head and alarms sounding, my doctor proceeds with my pelvic’s third exam in less than three weeks. She’s doing all the things they normally do and asking me questions, but I’m distracted by the incredibly odd situation so I just murmur my responses as the nurse jokingly offers her elbow for comfort/support. Just then someone tries to enter the room and the nurse barks out a firm:
“No. No. NO!”

The door slowly eases back shut and I actually let out a chuckle and say:

“Oh my god, this is like an episode of Seinfield or something.” We all laugh, because as awkward as it may be, the situation is a pretty funny.

The doc finishes the fastest pap I’ve ever had and tells me that I can get dressed. I put on my nineteen layers as quickly as I can and walk out of a room into a completely empty hallway, that just fifteen minutes before, was filled with people. My doc tells me we can follow up by phone and the nurse walks me through the empty hospital, down five flights of stairs, and out into the January air where a crowd of people make room for a fire truck to pull up to the building.

And that was, I hope, my final female exam for at least a year….preferably more.

The post Queer Abby: T.M.I. for the squeamish type (blue pee and paps!) first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Comedian Rosie Wilby

Comedian Rosie Wilby has been making audiences laugh around the world for years. Wilby is based in London, but she has performed in NYC, Australia, the Edinburgh Fringe Show and various other venues in her career. She also has a popular podcast. An out lesbian, Wilby pulls no punches when it comes to calling out sexism and homophobia in the entertainment industry. I sat down with Wilby to chat about the competitive world of comedy, coming out to audiences night after night and the crazy things that happen during a live show.

How did you get into comedy? 

I was a singer songwriter fronting my own band in my twenties and used to always chat between the songs in a fairly self deprecating way. Audiences often said I should have a go at comedy. When the band broke up, I entered a few competitions and found myself getting through to finals and semi finals. There was quite a protracted period where I was doing a bit of both and couldn’t decide between music and comedy. I didn’t really want to do comedy songs and mix them. They’re separate in my head as music is something I feel quite serious about.

The world of stand up comedy is super competitive. How do you stay in the game without losing your sense of humor? 

I think I’ve handled the competition factor by carving out my own niche. My solo shows have tended towards very personal narratives that blend genres (theatre, storytelling, multimedia, comedy). I mean, if I’m telling my own life story, surely people can’t say they’ve heard that somewhere else. Whether they want to hear it is another matter.

As a lesbian comedian, you must be coming out to audiences continually. Does it get exhausting? 

When I started stand up, I would sometimes try and de-gay my set for straight audiences. However, I was getting chatted up by men afterwards. So I thought well maybe I should be honest and gay it up again and hopefully I will get asked out by women. I’ve tried to make my stuff about relationships dwell on the universal aspects and, in general, audiences are cool about queer stuff. I think agents looking for comedians for TV, radio etc often assume that gay acts who talk about their sexuality will be too niche. It’s frustrating because it’s not really the truth. If gay people can listen to straight love stories, then straights can enjoy gay stuff. We are all humans.

You’ve been pretty vocal about the underlying homophobia in comedy. Personally, I love stand up comedy but I’ve been to shows where the comedian takes cheap shots at gay people and it’s definitely led to me going less. Do you think any progress is being made?

When I started, there were a few good comedy nights catering specifically for a gay audience. If Comedy Camp in London hadn’t existed then I probably would have never started comedy. But it was a wonderful event where gay acts and straight female ones would often steal the show. It was frustrating then to find the dynamic reversed at the more ‘mainstream’ events. A lot of these gay comedy nights have now stopped running. There’s an argument for saying that’s a real shame and a valuable space has been lost and one for saying it’s a sign of progress and that gay audiences now feel more comfortable going to mainstream nights. It’s the same uneasy paradox of progress that sees all our historic gay venues here in London closing down. In one way, it’s good that we don’t need them any more. But in another way, profoundly tragic to lose that sense of community. The really interesting thing alongside all this is that women’s comedy nights right across the UK have really grown over the last few years and there are some very good events putting on female acts for (largely) female audiences. Men are welcome in the audience but few come. The events are largely populated by lesbians who clearly feel that mainstream nights still don’t really cater for them. But it’s odd to think that female comedy needs to be a sort of specialist niche that only women will enjoy. Perhaps sexism is more of a persistent problem than homophobia now.

Most stand-up is at least loosely based on the life of the comedian. Has this affected your dating life? Are your exes ready to murder you? 

Maybe you should interview some of my exes! I don’t name them and make things too specific. In fact, my ex-partners have all sort of merged into one generic mass of eccentricity and neuroses. So nobody really knows which one I’m talking about… And sometimes, neither do I.

What is the craziest thing that has ever happened at one of your shows? 

Animal invasions often cause mayhem. I once had a dog run onstage and start eating my props then its owner ran onstage to grab it. Another time, a huge scary looking insect landed on me and I batted it away but it flew towards a bunch of girls on the front row who went absolutely nuts screaming, running around, standing on the chairs. Fire alarms have gone off during crucial moments and everyone has to be evacuated. Lots of disruptions like that.

Do you have any shows coming up? 

I have my Edinburgh Fringe run coming up. I will be on at Sneaky Pete’s on Cowgate from 8-15 August at 5pm.

(Fan of Rosie’s? You can buy tickets for her Edinburgh show here!) 

Any advice for queer lady comedians?

Queer lady comedians – be yourself, enjoy it, talk to and support each other.

Need more Rosie? Find her at www.rosiewilby.com , Facebook.com/rosiewilby and on twitter @rosiewilby

The post Interview with Comedian Rosie Wilby first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Hi Femme,

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle

Hey SIS, I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your girlfriend crazy. And it totally should! Even though we live in an age where everyone is telling us that political correctness is killing comedy, all too often off-color jokes are just a convenient way to disguise racism.

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I totally lost it and cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. The lesson here is to never lose your cool, because once you do no one will listen to what you are trying to say. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most emotionally intelligent members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this news will travel through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “If you said that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person, you would make them uncomfortable. So you need to rethink if it’s a ‘joke’ you want to tell at all.” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar. Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow because they don’t want to speak up and make things awkward.

While  I don’t think that will stop your family from making jokes entirely, if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome. Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her. I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

The post Ask the Femme: My Family Makes Racist Jokes and I Hate it! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY CANDY PARKER

Anticipation is ramping up as Gay Games 9 is set to kick off August 9 in the Akron and Cleveland, Ohio, areas. The week-long event will feature over 11,000 athletes from around the world, all coming together to compete in a variety of sports ranging from badminton to darts to rowing to wrestling and (nearly) everything in between.

I checked out the list of events and noted that, although diverse, the competitions don’t seem to be geared toward our natural lesbian skill sets. Sure, there’s softball and billiards, but where, I wondered are the events at which lesbians truly excel?

While it may be a little late to work with the Gay Games 9 organizers to supplement the current sanctioned sporting competitions, I put together the following list of proposed activities for consideration for Gay Games 10 which will be held in Paris in 2018. Start training, ladies — the competition is likely to be fierce!

Ellen DeGeneres-inspired Musical Chairs

Lace up those dancing shoes and get ready to boogie oogie oogie! As the music begins, show off your best dance moves, two-stepping, hustling and electric sliding up and down staircases and across the stage. Be careful not to get hung up with an audience member, though, because when the music stops, the race is on. Grab one of the cushioned host chairs and plop your booty in the seat while you can. Last woman standing is out of the competition. Just be careful not to take a seat too soon — if your back side touches down before the beat stops thumping, you’ll incur a penalty and be forced to participate in the next round with your shoelaces tied together.

The Load Out

This one is for the movers and shakers — but mostly the movers. Grab your packing tape and bubble wrap and get ready to load up an entire one-bedroom apartment full of furniture, clothes and rainbow candles at breakneck speed. The clock is ticking as you assemble boxes, pack ‘em up and get them loaded into your U-Haul. Once your truck is filled, dash to the home of your new paramour — the one you started seeing two long weeks ago — and get your stuff unpacked as quickly as you can. This one’s all about speed, ladies, as you maneuver past unexpected obstacles — your new love’s ex who hasn’t quite yet gotten the message, a hasty and potentially heated negotiation about splitting the rent and a new house full of cats who don’t seem to get along all that well with your dog.

“Orange is the New Black” Endurance Challenge

You may have run an iron man, ladies, but nothing can prepare you for this ultimate survival ordeal. Join your competitors in a room filled with recliners and prepare to watch both seasons of “Orange is the New Black” back-to-back without a break. Can you keep your eyes open for 24 hours of non-stop prison action? Will your bladder withstand this ultimate binge-watching test? There’s no rest for the weary and no adult diapers allowed as you follow the shenanigans of the Litchfield prison crew in this decisive trial of lesbian fortitude.

Melissa Etheridge Air Guitar Tournament

You’ve honed your skills at Melissa Etheridge concerts for the last two decades, but just how good are you really? Strum along on your imaginary guitar to classics like “Come to My Window,” “ I’m the Only One” and — the ultimate challenge — “Like the Way I Do.” There are no strings attached as you test your air guitar chops against Etheridge fanatics from around the globe. Judges score on both technical proficiency and artistic creativity, so you’d better get “Brave and Crazy” or there’ll be “No Souvenirs” for you in this event.

“Well, this is awkward” Obstacle Course

Your week of competition culminates in the penultimate lesbian contest — an obstacle course in which your  ex awaits at every turn. Scale walls, dive through tunnels and scurry under barbed wire all in an effort to dodge your ex at the local lesbian bar. The stakes get higher as the course goes on — there’s your ex and she looks pissed; it appears she really does want her CDs back. And wait — is that your ex with her new girlfriend? Test your agility, mental dexterity and aptitude for blending in with the crowd as you elude your ex and race to the finish line. There are really no winners in this competition, only those who live to dodge again.

The post Gay Games 9: Let the real lesbian games begin first appeared on Lesbian.com.

The Gay Women Channel is back with another great video, this time using the voices of children to get to the heart of gay marriage.

The post Out of the mouths of babes: Kids explan same-sex marriage first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY CANDY PARKER

I’m not a soccer fan. There, I said it.

Some might find the statement sacrilegious, particularly given the timing, with the U.S. Men’s National Team (USMNT) set to kick off – or tip off or whatever they call it in soccer – against Ghana tonight in their first match of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, but I’ve never managed to go all in on this sport revered by so many.

I may be dating myself a bit in saying this, but back when I was in high school soccer was the sport that girls played in the spring when they weren’t good enough to make the softball team. And when my son was old enough to engage in athletics, we had ice skates on him, a plastic bat in his hand and a small basketball hoop in our living room when he was three, but nary a soccer ball in sight.

My most up close and personal experience with soccer came when I dated a woman for eight years who coached her teenaged daughter’s soccer team. I dutifully suffered through those Saturday morning events, the baseball coach in me frustrated by my ex’s half-time indulgences of her team. I’m sorry, but when you’re losing 6-0 at the half, the players should take a knee and listen to the coach talk strategy, not fret about whose hair ribbons are akimbo. No orange slices for you!

Honestly, I’ve just not had much interest in soccer over the years. Sure, I’ve gotten wrapped up in the nationalistic pride inspired by the Olympics or World Cup a few times. In 1999 when the U.S. Women’s National Team (USWNT) claimed the cup I was as happy as anyone – and not just because a totally ripped and tanned Brandi Chastain tore her shirt off after winning the game with a penalty kick (a terminology I still don’t find apropos given that the kick wasn’t the result of a penalty, but rather the methodology this odd game uses to break a tie after having played but one mere overtime period, which they don’t even call overtime, but, instead extra time).

And when the USMNT squared off against England in their first match of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, I was firmly planted in front of my television, nearly bursting with anticipation and red, white and blue fervor. Yes, I’d bought into the hype hook, line and sinker, briefly duped into caring about men’s soccer by weeks of media propaganda touting the contest as if it were a replaying of the Revolutionary War.

By the time they threw out the first pitch – no wait, “pitch” is what they call the field in soccer, but you get my meaning – I was fired up and ready for my underdog Americans to put an ass-whoopin’ on those boys with notoriously bad teeth. (Calm down all you folks over in the U.K.; sweeping generalizations and the perpetuation of stereotypes are permitted for comedic effect.)

What I got that day instead was 90-plus minutes of the most disappointing and anticlimactic sporting event since Mike Tyson knocked out Peter “Hurricane” McNeeley in less than 90 seconds. What you have probably forgotten by now (but I remember vividly), is that the game ended in a 1-1 draw, a fancy word for tie. That is, no one won and no one lost – kind of like in T-ball.

So here I am, an avid sports fan and proud American, but I am torn about how much to invest in the USMNT’s exploits in Brazil. I’m having a hard time emotionally committing to a sport which allows what are essentially their playoff games to end in a tie. (Spare me your detailed explanation of the round-robin tournament format and the associated point system. I’m a girl, but I do “get” it. I just don’t like it. Playoff games — which, in effect, each contest leading up to the championship is, shouldn’t end in ties. Man up and play the thing out, boys!)

This is a huge tournament, not U-5 soccer where there are no winners and no losers. People wait four years for this thing to come around, paint themselves in their home country’s colors, take a month off from work to attend and have been known to beat each other to a pulp over the outcome. This is supposed to be the Super Bowl, World Series, Stanley Cup and NBA Championship all rolled into one (pun most definitely intended).

Imagine going through the entire NFL season and heading into the playoffs. As luck would have it, your favorite team is matched up against your most loathed conference rival. You eat, sleep and dream football all week. You trash talk. You RSVP “No” to your own child’s wedding because you don’t want to miss the game. FOX runs slickly produced commercials ballyhooing the contest and you get a little more charged up each time you see one. You have your snacks lined up, your friends gathered around the 70” HD set to rally ‘round the team and your sports-averse partner has agreed to leave the house so that you may bask in glory that is hardcore, hard-fought and hard-won competition.

The teams scuffle through the first half to a 0-0 score. “Great defensive battle!” you tell yourself as you replenish the beer cooler and refill the dip bowls at half-time, “This is what championship football is all about!”

Defense continues strong as each team manages only a field goal in the second half. Time is running out on a 3-3 score. Your team is driving down the field, almost within your kicker’s striking distance when you notice that the game clock has expired. But wait, the ref is winding his arm indicating that he’s putting more time on the clock, albeit a mystery amount of time to which only he is privy. You watch a few more plays, your team is getting closer and closer to the end zone and then…

*Shrill whistle sound*

Game over. It’s a 3-3 tie and there is no winner. Thanks for watching; everyone can go wash off their face paint now.

How disappointed are you in that moment? Exactly. And the world dares call this soccer thing a sport? Hrumph!

And adding to my World Cup apathy is the fact that the USMNT coach, Jurgen Klinsmann, has already conceded defeat. Yep, you read that right. The man charged with preparing our national team for battle on the sport’s grandest stage has stated multiple times in recent weeks that his team doesn’t stand a chance of winning. Real coaches in real sports don’t do that! Sure, the USMNT didn’t get the best tournament draw – I believe their bracket has been deemed the “Group of Death” by those in the know – but a coach should never admit pre-game defeat.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on how these so-called world class athletes tumble to the ground writing in pain if someone so much as looks at them cross-eyed.

So what’s an ardent sports fan and patriotic American to do when her national team in a sport in which she has little to no interest is about to compete on the world’s largest stage, led by a coach who says they can’t win?

I think this time around, I’ll set the bar on my own emotional involvement a great bit lower than I did in 2010. And if the USA and Ghana play to a draw tonight, I won’t let it faze me one bit. Heck, if the guys who make the rules don’t care who wins, why should I?

The post My FIFA World Cup does not runneth over first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Kate McKinnon and Charlize Theron combine for a fun- and feline-filled “Saturday Night Live” skit with some more than subtle lesbian undertones.

The post McKinnon, Theron: ‘Whiskers R We’ first appeared on Lesbian.com.

From the people who brought us “How to talk to your kids about Ellen Page,” we now have this comedic gem. With bigots everywhere up in arms about the openly gay Michael Sam being drafted into the NFL, it’s nice to be reminded that there are NFL players with much more serious “issues.”

The post How to talk to your kids about Michael Sam first appeared on Lesbian.com.

The creators of “First Gay Hug,” The Gay Women Channel, are back with these fun tips for straight women.

The post When you meet a lesbian: Tips for straight women first appeared on Lesbian.com.