BY CANDY PARKER

If asked to describe comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer in just one word, some may go with “ground-breaking.” This would, of course, be accurate. After all, Westenhoefer was the first openly lesbian comic to host her own HBO Comedy Special (1994) and to appear on the “Late Show with David Letterman” (2003). But that one word could never do her justice.

Self-deprecating. Raw. Hilarious. Legendary. Unpredictable. Candid. (That last one is by her own admission — I found it on her website.) All these and more could also be used to describe Westenhoefer, who is brazenly honest, outspoken and spontaneous in her comedy.

Westenhoefer began her stand-up career on a dare and she carries that same risk-taking attitude with her every time she takes the stage. With countless hours of material honed over a  career spanning more than two decades and a penchant for spilling the beans about whatever is currently happening in her life at the moment, Westenhoefer offers up a unique comedy set adventure every time she takes the stage.

Westenhoefer will soon be appearing with fellow veteran comic Jennie McNulty at two benefit performances for the United Church of Christ Coalition for LGBT Concerns. The first performance will be Saturday, May 17, at First Congregational Church of Berkeley, California. Tickets are available through www.brownpapertickets.com. The second show will be held Sunday, May 18, at Peace United Church of Christ in Santa Cruz, California. Tickets can be purchased at www.ticketriver.com. VIP tickets are available at each event and include a meet and greet with both comedians and priority seating.

I managed to catch up with Westenhoefer long enough to get her to answer our Fast 5 questions this week.

1. What are you most looking forward to in 2014?

Touring with Miley Cyrus. It’s not official yet, but a girl can dream.

2. Phone call or text?

Please, I beg you, text!

3. What would be your best piece of relationship advice?

Each partner should have full access to the other person’s phone, email, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts. (We’re pretty sure there’s a great story behind Westenhoefer’s answer on this one, but we maintain a strict five-question policy, so there was no chance for follow up.)

4. What’s the last movie you went to the theater to see?

“Despicable Me 2” with one million toddlers.

5. If you could have one super power, what would you want it to be and why?

To fly, both for the fun of it and to give the big finger to the airlines that rule my life.

Be sure to check out Westenhoefer’s website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

The post Fast 5 with comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Most of the world was introduced to comedian Erin Foley back in 2000 when she appeared in the iconic Cameron Crowe film “Almost Famous.” My first introduction, however, came seven years later via a Queer Queens of Qomedy show in 2oo7 in which she shared the stage with Poppy Champlin and Jessica Kirson.

Since that time, I’ve become a huge fan of Foley’s intelligent brand of comedy, had the opportunity to film an interview with her and earned a healthy respect for her pool volleyball skills having witnessed her “take no prisoners,” ultra-competitive approach to guarding the net. Trust me, while you may want to be front and center at one of her shows, you do not want to be on the opposite side of a volleyball net when Foley’s in the pool.

(Most) kidding aside, Foley is an accomplished actress and comedian, having appeared on “Chelsea Lately,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” NBC’s “Go On” and debuting on “Conan” last fall.

A New York native now living in Los Angeles, Foley can be regularly seen at the Gotham Comedy Club, Caroline’s on Broadway, The Improv, The Laugh Factory and Stand Up New York. She’s currently touring to promote her new comedy CD “Lady with Pockets” available on iTunes and hosts a weekly podcast called “Sports Without Balls.” (Sadly, she’s a Yankees fan, though we find common ground in our mutual love of the New York football Giants.)

Fresh off an appearance at the Gay Games in Cleveland and in between her “Lady with Pockets” tour gigs, Foley found time to join our Fast 5 club.

1. What’s the last book you read?

A short story collection of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

2. If you could host a dinner party and invite any five people — past or present — to attend who would be on that guest list?

Carol Burnett, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Derek Jeter, Martina Navratilova and Harriet Tubman.

3. Beach or mountains?

Beach

4. Which celebrity would render you totally star struck if you were to meet him/her?

If it was possible, Lucille Ball.

5. Do you have a hidden talent? Do tell!

I’m a really good dancer. Jazz hands and everything.

Be sure to check out Foley’s website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

The post Fast 5 with comedian Erin Foley first appeared on Lesbian.com.

What would be your best piece of relationship advice?
My two favorite sentiments expressed about love are, “Love is the condition when someone else’s happiness is more important than your own.” And “In a good relationship, both people should feel like they got the better deal.” Those are my litmus tests for whether I’m with the right person. Luckily, I feel both are true for me and my partner.

If you could wake up tomorrow with one talent or skill you don’t presently have, what would you want that to be?
I’ve always wanted to finish my studies in French which I, regrettably, abandoned in college. This way, if comedy doesn’t work out in the states, I could move to France and become the lesbian Jerry Lewis.

Do you have any phobias? (please enumerate with embarrassing details)
The woman I’m dating was straight up until she met me. So, I’m a bit phobic about our strap-on. I want her to like it, but I don’t want her to like it TOO much. One time we were using it and she was getting really into it; Her dirty talk got so graphic that it actually made me paranoid. I stopped abruptly and was like, “You DO realize this isn’t a real penis right?!” After that, I couldn’t continue because I totally lost my erection.

Name five people, living or dead, who you would love to have at a dinner party.
That would have to be an eclectic group of my all-time favorite powerhouse female performers: Doris Day, Judy Garland, Sandra Bernhard, Emma Thompson, and my longtime teacher and mentor, Broadway legend Betty Buckley. The most important question is, what would I wear?!? I would need to find the right look that said, “I’m obsessed with you, but not a stalker.”

Jessica Inserra is an LA-based stand-up comedian whose irreverent humor explores, among other things, themes from her life as a gay woman growing up in a colorful New York Italian family. Jessica recently commemorated 25 years of being out, having burst through the closet doors at the tender age of 14. Now she can be seen performing her unique brand of brash, edgy comedy at The Comedy Store, as well as other venues in and around Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Seattle. Originally from New York City, Jessica is a classically trained actress and singer who began her creative education as a child in Manhattan’s Neighborhood Playhouse School of Theatre. She went on to attended Laguardia High School for Performing Arts, and continued her training at prestigious arts institutions such as Stella Adler, T. Schreiber Studio, and The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London. She is currently working on her own one hour stand-up special entitled, Jessica Inserra, Pretty Gay.

Jessica will be appearing live at The World Famous Comedy Store this coming Friday, March 8th at 7PM. For more information on Jessica’s future performances, follow her on Instagram @jessinserra

The post Fast 5 with comedian Jessica Inserra first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Photo by: Freedom G Photography

BY CANDY PARKER
Lesbian.com

We all owe one of comedian Sandra Valls’ unnamed ex-girlfriends a sincere “thank you.” Why is that, you ask? Well, some time ago, said ex signed Valls up for a stand-up comedy lesson as an early Christmas present — in effect, giving us all the gift that is Valls’ intelligent, high-energy, brash brand of comedy.

Though the relationship didn’t last, the comedy lesson was well-learned as Valls went on to enjoy a career in which she has appeared in two Showtime hit comedy specials, “The Latin Divas of Comedy” and “Pride: LGBT Comedy Slam!,” been named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 funniest lesbian comics and, perhaps most enviably, shared the stage with the gorgeous Eva Longoria at the HBO Comedy Festival.

Valls tours regularly with the Latin Divas and Queer Queens of Qomedy and recently wrapped up a stint at the week-long GirlSplash in Provincetown, Massachusetts, but amidst her busy tour schedule she still finds time to give back to the community. Valls volunteers for and produces comedy shows for various causes including benefits/fundraisers for AIDS, sobriety, domestic violence and LGBT rights and was honored in her hometown of Laredo with the International Woman’s Day Award for being a trailblazer and empowering women.

Valls will soon be headed to Michfest, but gladly played along with us in this week’s Fast 5.

1. Which individual has been your greatest professional influence?

Bette Midler. I was very young when I snuck around and watched her HBO Special “Bette Midler Live At Last.” That’s when I knew I wanted to have a career like hers, sans the mermaid outfit, of course.

2. What song can you not get enough of right now?

“Wild Heart” by Stevie Nicks. I love Stevie Nicks! (Editor’s Note: Check out Sandra’s rendition of the tune in the video below — she can sing!)

3. What’s the best thing that’s happened for you so far in 2014?

I bought a Farrah Fawcett t-shirt.

4. Window or aisle seat on the airplane?

Actually it’s the middle seat. I love to be sandwiched between strangers. Feels safe. Oh, especially wedged between large men in short shorts and flip flops that smell like cigarettes. The men — not the flip flops.

5. Tell us one thing about you that most people probably don’t know, but you’re willing to share.

I sleep with a stuffed owl named Owly.

For more on Valls, be sure to check out her website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Toothbrush tunes with Sandra Valls

The post Fast 5 with comedian Sandra Valls first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Here is why we have not been visited by aliens. Not because they don’t exist, of course they do. But, to quote the old SNL “Wayne’s World” duo, we’re not worthy.

Let’s say you’re from another planet and seeking intelligent life forms. Obviously, you’ve figured out space travel. You’ve either got really fast transport devices or have nailed the whole suspended animation thing. You are, as they said on Star Trek, “boldly going…” You love to study and learn. You love what we call science.

Or, perhaps, you’re looking for a new place to live and, if earth doesn’t meet your metabolic criteria, you fly over. But if it does, you hover and check us out. And, after a few circumnavigations, your computers decipher our languages and you can see just what this rock is all about.

Our alien pals see war and terrorism. Perhaps, it’s why they left their own digs. Perhaps, it seems to them a rather confusing aspect of evolution that hasn’t yet been weaned out. Or, perhaps they think it’s a really, extra-violent, group version of MMA fighting.

They see gender inequalities and must wonder why this whole planet does not worship, much less treat unfairly, the half that continues the species. Maybe they think the female, is just being kind to the plodding, less complicated other half. Or maybe even in space, everyone blames their mother for their issues.

Then they focus on one of the more developed of areas on this planet — our good ole U. S. of A and investigate. They see the Kardashians and reality TV and have to circle us twice more, never really figuring that one out. They look at our current election debates, speeches and proclamations and wonder why one side seems to be taking it so much more seriously than the other. And then they learn about our “Bathroom Bills…”

CUT TO: Interior Spaceship Hovering Earth
(Translated for your convenience)

Alien 1: So, the ozone layer protecting them is depleting, the essential fluid covering 70 percent of their planet is becoming poisoned, corruption amongst their leaders is rampant and they’re worried about who goes in what room to eliminate their waste?

Alien 2: Yep, apparently, they are scared.

Alien 1: Of what?

Alien 2: Not sure, some sort of spontaneous attack.

Alien 1: Why there? Why then? Other than elimination, don’t they usually just read or do their — what do they call it, ‘Faceblocking’ while they’re in there?

Alien 2: Either that or Instagriming but, yes, that’s the place where some think they will be in immediate danger.

Alien 1: From what?

Alien 2: From what the indigenous species of this planet called “Two Spirits.” Not even a huge portion of the population either, but they’ve been around forever.

Alien 1: Is there some sort of precedent for this projected assailment?

Alien 2: No, but they seem to be an easily distracted group. They don’t waste much time on evidence for their conclusions.

Alien 1: Well, if their response to that orange blowhard with the bad head fur is any indication, I think we could probably land here and just take over fairly easily.

Alien 2: True, but is it worth it? We’d have to work soooo hard to get these creatures up to speed. And, I’m not sure we’d even have enough time. In a few billion years, their sun becomes a red giant, their oceans boil and we’d have to leave again. This planet is just not worth flipping. Let’s move on.

Alien 1: I guess. But it’s just so cute here — wouldn’t take much of a remodel at all.

Alien 2: I know but, despite what the space Realtors tell you, it’s not simply “location.” You have to consider all aspects of the location, like the other residents of the neighborhood. This village is full of idiots.

Alien 1: I guess, you’re right but I still don’t get the bathroom thing.

Alien 2: Agreed, it’s completely illogical. They have real brain glitches regarding their waste. They build themselves little private rooms with locks for this universal activity, like they’re hiding it. And then they carry around canine feces in a bag.

Alien 1: Ha! I know. But I still don’t get why they think they are at risk, just what is it they think will happen?

Alien 2: Maybe they’re afraid someone might make them think.

Alien 1: Must be why the females go in pairs.

Alien 2: Hmmm, could be.

Alien 1: Yeah, but they sure could used our technology for harnessing all that solar power being shot at them.

Alien 2: They have it. They just prefer to use oil, coal and gas despite the harmful by-products they release. It’s killin’ ‘em, actually. I told you they make no sense.

Alien 1: That could explain the bathroom thing …

Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians.

The post Why aliens give our planet a fly by first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Comedian Dana Goldberg

Comedian Dana Goldberg is set to headline at Seattle Women’s Pride this June. Goldberg is a highly acclaimed comedian, who has shared the a stage with President Barack Obama, Portia DeGeneres, Lady Gaga, Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin and many more. She has also been named one of CURVE Magazine’s top five funniest lesbian comedians in America. In addition to being incredibly funny, Goldberg also gives back to the community- frequently performing at fundraisers for HIV/AIDS and LGBT awareness.

Goldberg is a natural fit to headline at Seattle Women’s Pride. “Dana is a hoot! We absolutely love her, and she is a good friend,” said Seattle Women’s Pride founder and producer Sarah Toce. “We’re so glad she accepted our offer to come out and play this Pride.”

We sat down with Goldberg to discuss her upcoming performance at Seattle Women’s Pride, what to do when you run into an ex at Pride and her best Pride memory.

How do comedians celebrate pride?

Well, I can’t speak for all of us, but I day drink and make poor life choices.  Kidding…sorta. Usually we’re on stage entertaining the masses with a lot of drunk screaming sunburned proud gays in the audience. I actually really enjoy going to the parades and having an adult beverage or two with some friends. I don’t work a lot of the pride festivals so I’m excited to headline Seattle Women’s Pride this year.

How did you get involved with Seattle Women’s Pride?

Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to build a relationship with Sarah Toce, the creator and producer of the event. I’ve been performing once a year in Seattle at Theater Off Jackson to an awesome sold out crowd, so I’m excited to bring my long show to the pride stage for the ladies. It’s going to be a fantastic weekend.

If you’re at Seattle Women’s Pride and you see your ex-girlfriend. What should you do?

Assuming you aren’t actually there with her? You know we’re all friends six months later. If it was a good break up, say hi, visit, you might even make out after a couple of dances and some vodka. If it was a bad breakup, just turn around and walk the other direction. No one needs that kinda drama at pride. Be smart ladies *cue shooting star* The more you know.

What advice would you give to people looking to hook up at Pride?

Make sure the girl is single! Other than that, just be careful of still photography. That shit will end up on Facebook before the night is over.

Tell me your favorite Pride memory.

I had the pleasure of marching in San Francisco’s Pride parade a couple of years ago and there was a sweet male couple in front of me holding hands with a sign that read “47 years together…and finally legally married.” It really puts things into perspective what the LGBT community has accomplished over the years, and now Pride is more of a reason to celebrate those accomplishments…while day drinking! Unfortunately, that couple is never the one who is featured on the front page of the newspaper the next day. It’s always someone in ass chaps with no pants wearing a rainbow boa in 6 inch heels and I’m like, “Is that my English professor?!”

Want to see Dana perform at Seattle Women’s Pride? Tickets are available via Stranger Tickets at $30 General Admission and $45 VIP. The VIP Experience gets guests closer to the action with Priority Entrance, a Meet-and-Greet with Dana after the show, Swag Bags, and more. Visit seattlewomenspride or strangertickets.com/events/31940901/comedian-dana-goldberg-at-seattle-womens-pride for more information.

The post Seattle Pride headliner Dana Goldberg on how to survive pride in the social media age and more first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Hi Femme,

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle

Hey SIS, I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your girlfriend crazy. And it totally should! Even though we live in an age where everyone is telling us that political correctness is killing comedy, all too often off-color jokes are just a convenient way to disguise racism.

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I totally lost it and cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. The lesson here is to never lose your cool, because once you do no one will listen to what you are trying to say. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most emotionally intelligent members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this news will travel through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “If you said that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person, you would make them uncomfortable. So you need to rethink if it’s a ‘joke’ you want to tell at all.” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar. Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow because they don’t want to speak up and make things awkward.

While  I don’t think that will stop your family from making jokes entirely, if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome. Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her. I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

The post Ask the Femme: My Family Makes Racist Jokes and I Hate it! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Have you ever truly laughed so hard and so long that your cheek muscles ached? I have — and it was at one of comedian Jessica Kirson’s shows.

I had the opportunity to witness the controlled chaos that is a Jessica Kirson set during a Queer Queens of Qomedy tour stop several years ago and have continued to rave about the high-energy, no-holds-barred comic ever since.

Kirson traces her love of comedy to old school influences like “I Love Lucy,” Jerry Lewis, “The Carol Burnett Show” and “Saturday Night Live,” and has always loved making others laugh. Torn between a career as a DJ or comedian, the latter won out when Kirson took a comedy class in 1998.

Now far removed from her days performing at delis, laundromats and the local Krispy Kreme, Kirson is a regular at every major comedy venue in New York City, including the Gotham Comedy Club, Laugh Factory, Caroline’s, and the Improv.

Kirson has also appeared on a number of television shows, including “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” “Last Comic Standing,” Comedy Central’s “Premium Blend” and “The View.” She also has a one hour special on the Logo Channel called “My Cookie’s Gone” and has appeared on “The Joy Behar Show” on CNN-HLN numerous times. She just made her big screen debut in Nick Cannon’s “School Dance” with Jim Breuer and George Lopez.

Kirson was gracious enough to play along with our Fast 5 this week.

1. Which individual has been your greatest professional influence?

I would have to say Lucille Ball. She had incredible talent. She was original and always stayed true to herself. She was also an incredible business woman

2. What song can you not get enough of right now?

“Stay with Me” by, Sam Smith

3. What’s the best thing that’s happened for you so far in 2014?

I am in a movie that just came out, “School Dance,” written and directed by Nick Cannon, and I just filmed a cameo in Amy Schumer’s new film, “Trainwreck.”

4. Do you have any phobias?

Yes, I am filled with fear. My biggest one is rats. I am deathly afraid of rats.

5. Window or aisle seat on the airplane?

Window, so that I can ponder my life choices and cry in private. I hate the aisle. I constantly get knocked into.

Stay up-to-date with Kirson by bookmarking her website and following her on Facebook and Twitter — and be sure to visit her YouTube Channel “The Jessy K Show” and check out her podcast.

The post Fast 5 with comedian Jessica Kirson first appeared on Lesbian.com.

I was lucky enough to meet Bridget McManus a couple of years ago on a cruise from Miami to the Bahamas. We shared a special moment (of hilarity) the very first evening as she hosted karaoke and I embarrassed myself by performing Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl.”

McManus, the energizer bunny of comedians (and karaoke hosts) faux battled me on stage for the affections of another cruise guest, an impromptu rendering which attempted to bring the 80s love triangle anthem to life in lesbian form.

While that moment on stage may have been the highlight of my entertainment career, McManus’ accomplishments have gone on to far outshine mine. The Los Angeles-based performer who once said that she “wanted to be a stand-up comedian since I was a fetus” is living her embryonic dream.

Perhaps best known to lesbian audiences for her Logo Network series “Bridget McManus Presents: That Time of the Month” and “Brunch with Bridget” and her Tellofilms mockumentary “McManusland,” McManus can now be seen daily on the “Queen Latifah Show,” doing the splits and inspiring laughter as only she can with her high-energy and provocative style.

In addition to her prodigious comedic skills, McManus is also a contributor at AfterEllen.com and a skilled painter.

As luck would have it, I was able to get the multi-talented McManus to put down the microphones and paint brushes long enough to play along with this week’s Fast 5.

1. Finish this sentence: “I think the key to being happy is…”

Having more peace in one’s life than stress.

2. If you had to give up one of the following for an entire year, which would you choose to live without: cell phone, television, hair products or chocolate?

Does this include shampoo? If not, then I’ll happily get rid of all other hair products ‘cuz I don’t really futz over my hair. I could probably get rid of TV, too, but don’t you dare touch my chocolate!

3. What’s the maximum number of cats you’d feel comfortable owning before worrying that the neighbors were starting to whisper, “There goes the cat lady?”

I’m allergic to cats but, since I am a lesbian and I’m married to a lesbian, I do live with one cat, which I refer to as my step-cat. But I’ll happily own 10 dogs and I don’t care what my neighbors think.

4. Early bird or night owl?

Neither. I’m a 10a.m. to 8p.m. kinda girl.

5. What’s your favorite home-cooked meal?

If my mom is cooking it’s manicotti with garlic bread. If my wife is cooking it’s scrambled eggs. I can’t make eggs so whenever she makes them for me it’s such a wonderful treat.

Want to stay up-to-date with Bridget McManus? Visit her website and be sure to follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

The post Fast 5 with actress, comedian Bridget McManus first appeared on Lesbian.com.

The Gay Women Channel is back with another great video, this time using the voices of children to get to the heart of gay marriage.

The post Out of the mouths of babes: Kids explan same-sex marriage first appeared on Lesbian.com.