Dear Femme,

This isn’t a dating question or anything but I hope you can help. I’ve recently moved to a new city and I fell in with a group of queer women. They have accepted me and I feel so happy to have finally found my people. Lately, a friend of one of my new friends has been coming to everything the group does. Let’s call her Karen. She’s really cool. She’s a singer and her career is taking off. She’s great looking and always the life of party. Whenever we walk into a bar everyone pays attention to us and bartenders treat her like a VIP. She’s so much fun and I enjoy being with her. I thought this was going to be the start of a great friendship. There’s one problem. She’s a Trump supporter.

She’s never mentioned this in front of the friend group. But I noticed that she commented on a celebrity’s Instagram. The celebrity (she’s queer and we both follow her) posted an anti-Trump meme and the comments were mostly people agreeing. But then I saw that Karen had commented. She was disagreeing. She said that Trump’s not racist and that people are putting words in his mouth. Then she argued with people who told her she was wrong, saying that they didn’t know him and had no proof. She came off like a bigoted idiot.

I don’t think I can be friends with someone who supports Trump. I moved away from my small town in order to get away from people like that. I’m disappointed in her and I don’t know what to do. Making the friend group choose between hanging out with her or me is petty and beneath me. And deep down I’m scared that they will choose her over me. I also don’t want to confront her over the issue and I’m not sure that there’s a third option. What should I do?

-Dump Trump

Dear Dump Trump,
What a pickle! I totally get why you wouldn’t want to hang out with this girl. She sounds terrible. It’s always surprising to me when a queer person (or a Latino person or a Muslim person) supports Trump. But they are out there! This election has made everyone go absolutely insane, the stakes are higher than ever and everything feels very personal. This has wrecked havoc on personal relationships. I feel like all advice columnists have had to deal with a “My spouse likes Trump and I hate him” question. However, your question is a little different, because this is a low-stakes friendship and not your life partner. So, yay for that, right?

Moving on- okay so you found out your new lezbro is terrible. I’m sorry, that sucks! If she wasn’t in your friend group, I would say to just pull the “slow fade” on her and just stop reaching out to her to hang out, take a long time to respond to texts and cancel plans, etc. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes it’s the kindest way to end things. I would still recommend doing something similar to this. You guys are acquaintances, so if you
don’t have her number don’t get it. Be polite but never initiate contact. There are plenty of friend groups that have members who orbit around each other. So orbit around her, be nice but standoffish. As long as she doesn’t mention Trump in front of you, don’t ruffle feathers.

That being said, if Karen does mention her support of Trump, I think you should tell her that you find his morals reprehensible, you are disappointed in her for supporting him and you aren’t interested in discussing him with her. Say it in a neutral tone, but firmly. Chances are if Karen is crazy enough to support Trump, there’s no reasonable or sane argument you could make to change her mind. She may also be looking for a fight, Trump supporters can be violent, so be sure not to give her one.

I would also mention the interaction you saw on Instagram to a few of the members of your crew. If they are anti-racist, then this may change the way they think about Karen as well. Don’t ask them to pick between you two, as they become aware of who Karen is underneath the partying and good looks, they might want to ditch her as well.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
Xoxo

The Femme
Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: so confused via photopin (license)

The post Ask the Femme: My new friend is a Trump supporter, do I need to dump her? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Illustration by Lee Ely

Dear Femme,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. We moved in together a few months ago and for the most part, things have been fine. My biggest problem is that whenever we have ‘down time’ after school for her (she’s still a student) and after work for me, she just zones out on her phone. Before we lived together she never did that. It’s really annoying. I don’t think she’s cheating on me or whatever. I just don’t like it. I feel like we talked more before we lived together. She will even do it when we go out to eat, which isn’t often because she’s a broke student and I have to support both of us. I feel like she’s ignoring me. Maybe not ignoring me completely, but like, I don’t keep her entertained enough or I’m boring or something. Does this happen to all couples who move in together? What should I do?

Ignored in D.C.

Dear Ignored,

Thanks for writing in! I totally get your frustration. Sometimes I look at groups of people who are all out to dinner and mindlessly scrolling through their phones and I’m like, “Stop! Enjoy each other’s company!” But I am also totally guilty of it too. Sometimes my fiancé and I will both be on our phones while we are out to dinner and become “that couple.” It happens to the best of us.

I think that you should talk to your girlfriend about it. From your letter, you don’t mention talking to her about this at all. Instead you are letting yourself spiral downward when there might not actually be a problem.

When in doubt, talk it out! Tell her that you are starting to feel insecure about yourself because of all the time she spends staring at her phone. Some people have more addictive personalities than others and she might not even realize how many hours she is wasting on it. She might even thank you for pointing it out.

The next thing you should do, after you talk about it, is to ask that date nights be phone free nights. I can sense some resentment on your part about paying for dates that your gf doesn’t seem to appreciate in the way you want her too. You need to nip this in the bud now before it becomes an actual problem in your relationship. Just because you are paying for the date, doesn’t entitle you to anything from her. You chose to merge households and expenses in this relationship knowing your gf was a broke student and that there would be an imbalance in bill paying until she graduates and can contribute more. So leave the issue of who pays for what out of this conversation.

Anywho- back to phone free date night. Not phone free like, leave them at home, that’s not safe or even that practical. I mean, my phone is my mirror and my camera. I can’t have date night without it! Think phone free like, “Let’s enjoy each other’s company and keep our phones in our pockets/bags until we need to take a picture of our food or a selfie to commemorate the evening.”

Good luck, Ignored! I’m sure you and your gf will be back on track in no time!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

For more illustrations by Lee Ely, visit their Behance page or buy a print from Society 6. The illustration used on this page was based on a photo found on What Japan is Wearing. 

The post Ask the Femme: My girlfriend would rather check her phone than talk to me! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY ABBY WALLER

Meet Queer Abby, our new advice columnist, feel free to ask her anything in the comments below or write to her directly at abagailwaller@gmail.com.

Alexandra writes:
Hello Abby,
I am a transgender woman. I wanted some advice on how I can find a woman that would want to date a transgender woman.
Thank you,
Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,
In the LGBTQ community finding a date can seem like an overwhelmingly arduous task. As I wrote in my last column, “I went to a local lesbian dive bar on “college” night to nervously dance to Top 40’s hits while giving the eye to any cute girl that looked my way.” — meaning, as hard and as nervewracking as it was, I put myself out there.

This is truly half the battle. Really, more than half. Once I swallowed my anxiety and fear of being turned down, I started getting a few phone numbers and eventually…some super hot make-out sessions. I kind of feel like a lot of people have probably told you or would tell you to check out dating sites (and hey, this works really well for some) and I bet you’ve already done that. However, if you haven’t, go ahead and sign up on a few, but do your very best not to get your hopes up. Online dating can be so unpredictable as literally anyone can create a profile and make up a persona rather than being forthright about who they really are. Just be extremely careful.

Okay. You have your online dating profiles up. Well, don’t wait for a date. Don’t sit by your computer waiting for the right transwoman to come to you. It’s time to grab a few pals and get on out there. Do you have some queer/trans-friendly clubs or events in your area? Find a supportive friend or two to attend them or go out with you. Even if you’re apprehensive about going to a party or a social gathering because perhaps you’re afraid you won’t know a lot of people — squash that fear and go! These are the best parties to meet new people. I met my wife at the party of a friend of a friend where I hardly knew anyone. Rule #1 in dating: Put yourself out there.

Last but not least, I’m kind of a believer in that love (or just intimate encounters) will find you when you’re at your best. So, be sure you’re taking care of you. Take plenty of time to do the things you enjoy, surround yourself with good people, and in due time good things will find you.

The post Queer Abby: Don’t wait for a date first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Meet Queer Abby, our new advice columnist, feel free to ask her anything in the comments below or write to her directly at abagailwaller@gmail.com.

When I came out of the closet I sort of tiptoed out. There was no party, no parade, and no dancing girls. I warily dipped my big toe in the still, warm water of queerdom. Once I was finally “all the way out” at the age of twenty–I sought out all things gay. I watched every episode I could of the L Word and I went to a local lesbian dive bar on “college” night to nervously dance to Top 40’s hits while giving the eye to any cute girl that looked my way.

Coming out isn’t easy…at least it wasn’t for me. I was raised in a strict southern baptist household where I wasn’t allowed to wear pants, take the lord’s name in vain, or listen to rock music. I used to jokingly say that I am absolute proof that homosexuality is something you’re born with–like being born with red hair or olive skin. I am proof because there’s utterly no “explanation” for my “becoming gay.” I didn’t even really know what gay was until long after I started having feelings of attraction towards girls.

At the age of fifteen I kissed a girl for the first time. We made out and it was awesome. But immediately afterwards, I was filled with shame, and I dug a hole deep in my gut to put any queer feelings into. I wouldn’t kiss another girl for five years. It was the longest five years of my life.

Shortly after my 20th birthday I finally dropped the straight-charade and came out. I created about 3,738 online dating profiles with the hope of getting a girlfriend or at the very least, getting laid. I went on multiple dates and had even more flaky-date cancellations. After a few months of playing this awful game, I met a tomboyish redhead who’d end up being my first girlfriend. We went on our first date (I have no recollection of what we did or where we went) and then we went back to my place and well…you know.

The tomboyish redhead took me to my very first Gay Pride event in D.C. That might have been the beginning of the end for us. I mean, lezbehonest, I was a fresh-out-of-the-closet baby dyke and going to Pride in the nation’s capital was like being a kid in the Willy Wonka factory. I walked the streets of Dupont Circle with my eyes taking in countless types of lesbians. There were ultra-femme ones, leather daddy ones, androgynous ones, and me: a totally overwhelmed, ravenously eager-to-have-it-all and astoundingly naive little lesbian.

That whole weekend was filled with my staring in wide-eyed wonder as drag kings strutted down the street, and queer folks from all walks of life gathered celebrate being “out” together. I’d never experienced anything like it, and I was completely enraptured knowing that I was in a safe place. I didn’t feel threatened or like a fish out of water. I was surrounded by smiling faces and people that had one thing very in common with me: they were attracted to members of the same sex, too.

The years passed and even though I’d come out and knew I wanted to be with women, I struggled with my queer identity and bounced all over the femme/butch spectrum. When I met my wife I was at the top of my game. I’d been single for a while, was working out on the regular, and was having a generally good time — if you catch my drift. I felt good about my androgynous style and enjoyed not toeing the line of gender rules,

My Missus and I have been together for eight years and married for four. She has loved me on my femmiest days and my butchiest days. She has never eluded to which of my “looks” is her preference and continues to stand by me with unwavering love as I shrug off one style to try on another for a while.

Who knows — maybe I’m still confused and in 6 months, a year, or 5 years I’ll decide that I’m totally tomboy or fervently femme. After all, that’s my right. But for now, I feel amazing. I feel freed. It may seem silly, but just a dapper button up or layer of fire-engine red lipstick can do so much for the soul. Why should I be absolute with my gender? Isn’t that boringly heteronormative? I’ve spent too long worrying about the comfort of others that I’ve forgotten about my own comfort. I feel as though I’m getting back to my andro-roots, and am blending the rules of gender conformity. I hope I stay here awhile — because I feel right at home.

The post Queer Abby: Blending the rules first appeared on Lesbian.com.

photo credit: IMG_3346 via photopin (license)

Dear Femme,

I want to know what you think about a possessive gay BFF.  I started dating my girl knowing that her BFF basically lived with her.  It’s sort of a weird situation, in that she basically pays for his booze when they go out, and he manages her money- meaning she’ll hand him her $$$ and he’ll dole it out.  Correct me if I’m too traditional, but shouldn’t that be my job?

And ever since we’ve been getting more serious, he’s been less able to spend time with her, no more overnights, and no “platonic sugar mama.”  I’m also very vocal when I think anyone’s taking advantage of her, whether it’s him, her family, or any random stranger.  She says this makes her feel safe, which makes me believe I’m not overstepping my bounds.

However, I do like her BFF, and while I’ve set boundaries where he’s tried to do the same to me, she and him obviously have a different relationship.  What’s the best approach to getting she and I to be where I want us to be without burning bridges with anyone in her life?

-The Girlfriend

Hey TG,

First of all- your girlfriend shouldn’t be giving her money to anyone else to “dole out.” Not you and not her BFF. If she is an adult with a job, then she needs to figure out her finances on her own or with an actual advisor.

As far as her relationship with her BFF changing, that tends to happen once people form serious partnerships. Usually, a couple’s social circle doubles and there just isn’t time for everyone the way there used to be. Also, once you are in a relationship, your significant other starts to occupy the majority of your time and life – which leads to other relationships evolving and changing. It sounds as if this change is already taking place in your girlfriend’s life.

So what should you do? Nothing! Let your girlfriend figure out her friendships and her life. It’s fair to gently point out when people are trying to take advantage of her, but remember not to bully her and definitely don’t alienate her from her friends and family. That is the worst thing you could possibly do. As for her BFF, just be nice to him and include him in the plans you make sometimes. And if he wants to crash on the couch after a night out or after a fun movie night in, don’t kick him out. If your girlfriend loves this guy, then there must be something there for you to love too.

Good Luck TG! Let us know how it goes.

XOXO

The Femme

Got a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com 

The post Ask the Femme: My Girlfriend’s BFF is too Possessive first appeared on Lesbian.com.

We are groomed to strive to be right. if we are not, we can at least strive to poke holes in the other person’s argument so that they can’t be right.

Having a conversation from that space reinforces the misconception that there is only a limited amount of “right” in the world and if you don’t get that “right,” then it goes to your partner (who you have now decided is more of a scrimmage mate). If your partner gets all of that “right,” then the world supply gets depleted by the amount of the “right,” so you better bring the big guns next time before all of the “right” disappears off the face of the earth.

All of this “rightness” can make you feel victorious shortly after the argument, but the “right” paradigm is ultimately damaging to the relationship. What you need to do is identify the types of bypasses, see when they come up in you, then take a moment to apologize and try out a different approach.

Here are some of those things to look out for in your we-need-to-talk conversations (this is just a limited list of the possible bypasses):

REHEARSING

Going over what you are going to say next instead of listening. This can happen at the top of the conversation where a person can just completely shut down. Rehearsing can also happen in the middle of a sentence where you may just latch on to one word and start constructing an argument around it completely missing the second part of that sentence.

SPARRING

Letting your anger tip you into hopelessness, whereupon you try to grasp at straws to knock your partner off their balance. It can happen with name calling or with simply bringing up old triggers that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. “This is why you are just like your father” or “This is just one example of how stupid and oblivious you can be.”

BEING RIGHT

Does this one even need an explanation? This is where you know you are right because your experience says so and there is no room for discussion. This is where people may just plant themselves firmly and not let themselves be moved or shifter even an inch.

DERAILING

That is the beginning of a spiral which can lead to a three or four-hour conversation in which nothing gets resolved. Instead of staying on topic, you may find yourself veering off by bringing up past faults which are completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Usually seen with a hint of blame (just to knock them off their center to try and snatch back the “right”).

When you find yourself in any of those spaces take a moment to stop, breathe, identify, apologize, and try again. It may feel vulnerable and scary, but the pay off is fantastic.

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

The post Person to Person: How wrong can right really be? first appeared on Lesbian.com.