You know Weinstien and Spacey, and Louis and Tambor,
Lauer and Charlie, and Franken and Roy Moore
But do you recall,
The most harmful predator of all?

Donald the groping gasbag
Had some really tiny hands,
For those that had to feel them,
Jail should be the place he’d land.

All of the media perverts
Had to quit and lost careers;
Meanwhile, the sleaze ball Donald
Screws us like a racketeer.

Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Mueller came to say:
“Donald all your lies and fraud
Make your case severely flawed.”
Then all his buddies made deals,
They began to cop a plea,
Donald the gas bag groper
Enjoy the penitentiary.

Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians.

The post A new take on ‘Rudolph:’ Donald the groping gasbag first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dear Femme,

This isn’t a dating question or anything but I hope you can help. I’ve recently moved to a new city and I fell in with a group of queer women. They have accepted me and I feel so happy to have finally found my people. Lately, a friend of one of my new friends has been coming to everything the group does. Let’s call her Karen. She’s really cool. She’s a singer and her career is taking off. She’s great looking and always the life of party. Whenever we walk into a bar everyone pays attention to us and bartenders treat her like a VIP. She’s so much fun and I enjoy being with her. I thought this was going to be the start of a great friendship. There’s one problem. She’s a Trump supporter.

She’s never mentioned this in front of the friend group. But I noticed that she commented on a celebrity’s Instagram. The celebrity (she’s queer and we both follow her) posted an anti-Trump meme and the comments were mostly people agreeing. But then I saw that Karen had commented. She was disagreeing. She said that Trump’s not racist and that people are putting words in his mouth. Then she argued with people who told her she was wrong, saying that they didn’t know him and had no proof. She came off like a bigoted idiot.

I don’t think I can be friends with someone who supports Trump. I moved away from my small town in order to get away from people like that. I’m disappointed in her and I don’t know what to do. Making the friend group choose between hanging out with her or me is petty and beneath me. And deep down I’m scared that they will choose her over me. I also don’t want to confront her over the issue and I’m not sure that there’s a third option. What should I do?

-Dump Trump

Dear Dump Trump,
What a pickle! I totally get why you wouldn’t want to hang out with this girl. She sounds terrible. It’s always surprising to me when a queer person (or a Latino person or a Muslim person) supports Trump. But they are out there! This election has made everyone go absolutely insane, the stakes are higher than ever and everything feels very personal. This has wrecked havoc on personal relationships. I feel like all advice columnists have had to deal with a “My spouse likes Trump and I hate him” question. However, your question is a little different, because this is a low-stakes friendship and not your life partner. So, yay for that, right?

Moving on- okay so you found out your new lezbro is terrible. I’m sorry, that sucks! If she wasn’t in your friend group, I would say to just pull the “slow fade” on her and just stop reaching out to her to hang out, take a long time to respond to texts and cancel plans, etc. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes it’s the kindest way to end things. I would still recommend doing something similar to this. You guys are acquaintances, so if you
don’t have her number don’t get it. Be polite but never initiate contact. There are plenty of friend groups that have members who orbit around each other. So orbit around her, be nice but standoffish. As long as she doesn’t mention Trump in front of you, don’t ruffle feathers.

That being said, if Karen does mention her support of Trump, I think you should tell her that you find his morals reprehensible, you are disappointed in her for supporting him and you aren’t interested in discussing him with her. Say it in a neutral tone, but firmly. Chances are if Karen is crazy enough to support Trump, there’s no reasonable or sane argument you could make to change her mind. She may also be looking for a fight, Trump supporters can be violent, so be sure not to give her one.

I would also mention the interaction you saw on Instagram to a few of the members of your crew. If they are anti-racist, then this may change the way they think about Karen as well. Don’t ask them to pick between you two, as they become aware of who Karen is underneath the partying and good looks, they might want to ditch her as well.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
Xoxo

The Femme
Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: so confused via photopin (license)

The post Ask the Femme: My new friend is a Trump supporter, do I need to dump her? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Backspace, backspace, backspace. But, come on, there’s always such good stuff there—hangovers, blackouts, “Erin go Bra-less!” Nevertheless, she has a point. With all the idiocy of these elections, people are very racially sensitive. I probably shouldn’t make blanket statements that could be considered derogatory, even if it is my own ethnicity.

You know, a T-shirt picturing 3 drunken people passed out on the floor with empty beer mugs around them labeled, “Irish Yoga,” is funny to me. I guess it just brings out my Zen. But, it is a stereotype that probably unfairly hurt a few of my own relatives in the past (even if it described a few others).

Undoubtedly, the Irish have brought great things to the world. Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, and many other creative artists were Irish. Henry Ford was the son of Irish immigrants. And the Irish have some wonderfully positive and uplifting words of wisdom passed down through the ages like:
“May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And, may you be in heaven a half an hour
Before the devil knows you’re dead;”

Or more practical:
“May those who love us love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And, if He doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.”

Or Jonathan Swift’s simple, “May you live all the days of your life.”

We are more than just a collection of drunkards in an ale house. But what’s more humorous beautiful poetry, a way of manufacturing that revolutionized a country or a drunken leprechaun in green suit that talks funny? I’m pickin’ the drinkin’ over the assembly line. Alas, these are touchy times.

We are sensitive now. Extremely frightening things are going on in the world outside of the U.S. and inside our boarders, even more so. The political climate is so highly charged and people are very defensive. And with good reason — the person consistently winning in the primaries right now has perfected every “ism” we have and is being lauded for it.

The first example that every Trumpeteer gives for why they like him is, “He says what we want to say but can’t.” Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to say anything he’s said. Well, I take that back. There is one thing I’d like to quote him on. To him, in fact: “You’re fired.”

But he’s winning right now because he’s appealing to the frustrated white masses. Some probably really are racist or sexist or homophobic, others have just lost patience with political correctness and have been fed enough misleading sound bites that they can’t tell facts from opinions and don’t even see reality anymore. I’m not making excuses for them. I’m saying no one is really listening. So should it be surprising that people don’t feel heard?

Ya gotta hand it to Trump though, he didn’t just complain about political correctness, he made himself the Anti-PC poster boy. He said stuff so outrageous we all laughed. The way you laugh at a senile relative who just loudly blurted out something wildly inappropriate at dinner. Trump said the other day that he’s responsible for bringing more people out to the polls. That could be true but it just made me picture a scene from “The Walking Dead” — brain dead herds shuffling to the polls in red ballcaps that say “Make America Taste Great Again.”

All this tension has made people frustrated and angry. People are attacking each other. Things we used to be able to laugh about before just aren’t funny anymore. We need to step back, breathe deeply, relax and listen to one another. Have a little empathy. We are all just trying to live all the days of our lives and make it to heaven before the devil knows we’re dead.

So, I’m gonna wear my shamrock shirt and raise a glass of green beer or two or three and probably be speaking in a really bad Irish brogue by the end of the night (that won’t sound that bad to me, of course). Why? Because, it’s fun. It’s an excuse for a party to which we’re all invited. Everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Feel the magic. Believe in fairies and leprechauns. Look at that stranger in the bar who’s different from you and tell him you hope is glass is ever full. And try to mean it. And, most importantly, have fun. No one knows how to have fun like the Irish. You know what they say, “When Irish eyes are smilin’…They’re up to something.”

And, by the way, in case you’re wondering why the folks on the Emerald Isle were dry until 1970, it’s because St. Patrick’s Day was a Holy Day. The, uh, feast of St. Patrick, dontcha know. Erin go Bragh!

Jennie McNulty has traveled the world doing comedy from colleges to cruise ships to military bases in Iraq. She was named one of Curve Magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians and also teaches stand up and comedy writing. Learn more at JennieMcNulty.com.

The post Fighting Irish stereotypes one beer at a time first appeared on Lesbian.com.

‘Twas the Night before Christmas and all through the flat
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat;
The stockings were hung by the TV with care.
As they made a good basket for balls shot through the air.
The children, what children? ‘Tis a lesbo poem here.
The only thing nestled was a cooler of beer.
My girl in her Knicks hat and I in my Pistons,
Were discussing which team would end up with less wins.
When out in the street there arose such a noise,
So close to The Abbey, it must be gay boys.
To the window I went, to see things for certain
And moved all the cat toys to look out through the curtain.
The moon, nearly full, lit the sky with a glow,
And the shadows from trees put on quite a show.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a black hybrid town car and 8 officers = queer.
With a confident driver, quick witted and bright,
Who looked just like Hillary =hard to tell in this light.
Circled ‘round her, her agents looked this way and that
A new crew it seemed as directions she spat.
“Now! Ellen, now! Wanda, now! Rachel and Rosie,
“On! Portia, on! Lily, on! Holland and Jodie;
“Shake hands at the Abbey, shake hands in the street!
“My record’s not perfect – pissed off gays we must meet!”
Like the milkmen of old, to each house they did go,
No stone left unturned, they went with the flow.
Each person encountered, she spoke with sincere,
“I promise this time, I’ll be always pro-queer.”
And, then in a twinkling, I heard just outside
A voice calling, “All clear,” and another replied:
“Okay, bring her up,” and my heart leapt a bit.
At my door was Ms. Hillary, and I thought, “No shit!”
She was dressed in a pant suit, and comfortable shoes.
And her hair looked just perfect, must be good shampoo.
A pamphlet, all glossy, she held in her hand,
A promise and details to her governing plan.
Her eyes – full of passion! Her attitude merry,
Her cheeks were like roses (maybe hitting the sherry?)
She talked of her goals and how suited she is
To be our next leader, “I’m the best in the biz!”
On and on she did go ‘bout her qualifications.
She needed support and, of course, more donations.
When I asked her about Marco, Ted, Jeb and ole Trump,
Her eyes rolled with disgust, “Just big pains in my rump.”
“I’ve got more experience, Trump’s all ego and wealth.”
And, I laughed when she said that in spite of myself.
A wink of her eye and a handshake most sturdy
I knew she was ready for when this got dirty.
My vote I did promise and I wished her good luck.
“Dear God, you must win ‘cuz the Republicans suck.”
And laying a finger aside of her chin
And, giving a nod, secret service came in.
She sprung to her car with her team in protection
And away they all went, off to win the election.
But I heard her exclaim, ere she drove out of sight –
Happy Christmas to all, and “Hillary 2016!”

Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians. She can be heard weekly as co-host of LA Talk Radio‘s “Cathy Is In: The Cathy DeBuono Show.”

The post Twas the night before Christmas (lesbian edition) first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Over 510,000 people have signed a petition asking Macy’s to dump Donald Trump. Trump has long been involved with the mega-retailer. They have a special deal to sell his clothing line and fragrance, have honored Trump with major events, and feature Trump in the “magic of Macy’s” advertising campaign.

Angelo Carusone, the progenitor of the petition, says he will personally deliver the petition to Macy’s headquarters before the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade for maximum exposure. He plans to deliver it to Terry J. Lundgren, Chairman of the Board, CEO and President at Macy’s Inc.

Read more at dot429.com

The post ‘Dump Trump’ petition reaches 500,000 signatures first appeared on Lesbian.com.