So you like a girl and she likes you…but then what?! Robin and Lacie, a real life lesbian couple, share their tips on sealing the deal and keeping the deal sealed. Watch their silly, but totally true, hacks for learning to live with your person long term and keeping the romance alive. Spoiler alert: try not to fart in front of your person.

photo credit: still love you. via photopin (license)

The post Bloggers Lacie and Robin Talk Relationship Hacks first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dear Femme,

This isn’t a dating question or anything but I hope you can help. I’ve recently moved to a new city and I fell in with a group of queer women. They have accepted me and I feel so happy to have finally found my people. Lately, a friend of one of my new friends has been coming to everything the group does. Let’s call her Karen. She’s really cool. She’s a singer and her career is taking off. She’s great looking and always the life of party. Whenever we walk into a bar everyone pays attention to us and bartenders treat her like a VIP. She’s so much fun and I enjoy being with her. I thought this was going to be the start of a great friendship. There’s one problem. She’s a Trump supporter.

She’s never mentioned this in front of the friend group. But I noticed that she commented on a celebrity’s Instagram. The celebrity (she’s queer and we both follow her) posted an anti-Trump meme and the comments were mostly people agreeing. But then I saw that Karen had commented. She was disagreeing. She said that Trump’s not racist and that people are putting words in his mouth. Then she argued with people who told her she was wrong, saying that they didn’t know him and had no proof. She came off like a bigoted idiot.

I don’t think I can be friends with someone who supports Trump. I moved away from my small town in order to get away from people like that. I’m disappointed in her and I don’t know what to do. Making the friend group choose between hanging out with her or me is petty and beneath me. And deep down I’m scared that they will choose her over me. I also don’t want to confront her over the issue and I’m not sure that there’s a third option. What should I do?

-Dump Trump

Dear Dump Trump,
What a pickle! I totally get why you wouldn’t want to hang out with this girl. She sounds terrible. It’s always surprising to me when a queer person (or a Latino person or a Muslim person) supports Trump. But they are out there! This election has made everyone go absolutely insane, the stakes are higher than ever and everything feels very personal. This has wrecked havoc on personal relationships. I feel like all advice columnists have had to deal with a “My spouse likes Trump and I hate him” question. However, your question is a little different, because this is a low-stakes friendship and not your life partner. So, yay for that, right?

Moving on- okay so you found out your new lezbro is terrible. I’m sorry, that sucks! If she wasn’t in your friend group, I would say to just pull the “slow fade” on her and just stop reaching out to her to hang out, take a long time to respond to texts and cancel plans, etc. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes it’s the kindest way to end things. I would still recommend doing something similar to this. You guys are acquaintances, so if you
don’t have her number don’t get it. Be polite but never initiate contact. There are plenty of friend groups that have members who orbit around each other. So orbit around her, be nice but standoffish. As long as she doesn’t mention Trump in front of you, don’t ruffle feathers.

That being said, if Karen does mention her support of Trump, I think you should tell her that you find his morals reprehensible, you are disappointed in her for supporting him and you aren’t interested in discussing him with her. Say it in a neutral tone, but firmly. Chances are if Karen is crazy enough to support Trump, there’s no reasonable or sane argument you could make to change her mind. She may also be looking for a fight, Trump supporters can be violent, so be sure not to give her one.

I would also mention the interaction you saw on Instagram to a few of the members of your crew. If they are anti-racist, then this may change the way they think about Karen as well. Don’t ask them to pick between you two, as they become aware of who Karen is underneath the partying and good looks, they might want to ditch her as well.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
Xoxo

The Femme
Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

photo credit: so confused via photopin (license)

The post Ask the Femme: My new friend is a Trump supporter, do I need to dump her? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dear Femme,

I love my girlfriend more than anything. We’ve been together for two years and long-distance that whole time, but we’re only a day’s drive apart, and we visit each other as often as we can. Last fall she applied for a one-year position abroad and I figured I would move there with her. But she’s just heard that she’s been assigned to work in a remote town rather than the city she thought she would be sent to. The country she’s going to is pretty homophobic and she believes it wouldn’t be safe for us to be there together without the anonymity of a city.

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through a year without her. It’s already so painful being apart for just a few weeks at a time. The worst part is that she’s so excited about this opportunity, and I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t just be happy for her. How can I learn to cope with this and focus on all the good times we’ll have in the future rather than the terrible time I’m having now?

– Left Behind

Hi Left,

Ahh, what a problem! A year is both a long time and no time at all. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t be upset about the prospect of their girlfriend leaving for an entire year, no matter how happy she was about the opportunity. It’s possible to be excited about a great job opportunity but also sad at the prospect of leaving you for so long.

I know you don’t want to dampen your girlfriends spirits and that’s totally a testament to your love for her, but you two have to talk about it. Isn’t she a little sad at the prospect of leaving you for a whole year? She must be, and if she’s not, there might be something deeper in the relationship you need to address. Assuming that she is excited but sad about being apart for a whole year, maybe plan for time when you can go visit her. Surely she gets some holidays off from her position and you two can meet in the nearby city. Seeing each other twice for 5-7 days seems like a reasonable compromise while she’s gone.

Also let her know that you expect some communication from her while she’s gone. You don’t want to ruin her experience abroad by making her sit in front of a screen FaceTiming with you, but she should try to call you and email you when it’s accessible and convenient. And she shouldn’t neglect you while she’s gone. Support is a two way street. You need to make sure you don’t ruin this experience for her but she also can’t leave you high and dry for a year and expect everything to resume the way it has been when she gets back.

Okay, so let’s assume you two have worked out a schedule of visits and communication so you don’t go crazy. I know this sounds nuts, but try to think of this year alone as an opportunity. You love your girlfriend more than anything, you two are probably going to be together for a long time. So use this time to work on yourself. Do things that you haven’t had time to do because you spend time traveling to see your girlfriend. See your friends more! Make new friends! Visit your grandparents, they aren’t going to live forever! Take that language class you always wanted to take. Learn to cook. Write a novel. Binge watch that TV show your girlfriend hates. Or travel abroad to places that are gay friendly. Take a girls trip with your friends. There’s so much to do, so much that can be done in life. Your girlfriend is out there living her dream. What is your dream? Figure it out and live it. The year will go by faster than you know.

Best of luck, sweetie. Let us know how it goes!

Xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about Lee visit http://www.latewerks.com, follow on Instagram @latewerks, like on Facebook and purchase their work at https://society6.com/latewerks.

The post Ask the Femme: My girlfriend is moving abroad for a year and I’m devastated first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Illustration by Lee Ely

Dear Femme,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. We moved in together a few months ago and for the most part, things have been fine. My biggest problem is that whenever we have ‘down time’ after school for her (she’s still a student) and after work for me, she just zones out on her phone. Before we lived together she never did that. It’s really annoying. I don’t think she’s cheating on me or whatever. I just don’t like it. I feel like we talked more before we lived together. She will even do it when we go out to eat, which isn’t often because she’s a broke student and I have to support both of us. I feel like she’s ignoring me. Maybe not ignoring me completely, but like, I don’t keep her entertained enough or I’m boring or something. Does this happen to all couples who move in together? What should I do?

Ignored in D.C.

Dear Ignored,

Thanks for writing in! I totally get your frustration. Sometimes I look at groups of people who are all out to dinner and mindlessly scrolling through their phones and I’m like, “Stop! Enjoy each other’s company!” But I am also totally guilty of it too. Sometimes my fiancé and I will both be on our phones while we are out to dinner and become “that couple.” It happens to the best of us.

I think that you should talk to your girlfriend about it. From your letter, you don’t mention talking to her about this at all. Instead you are letting yourself spiral downward when there might not actually be a problem.

When in doubt, talk it out! Tell her that you are starting to feel insecure about yourself because of all the time she spends staring at her phone. Some people have more addictive personalities than others and she might not even realize how many hours she is wasting on it. She might even thank you for pointing it out.

The next thing you should do, after you talk about it, is to ask that date nights be phone free nights. I can sense some resentment on your part about paying for dates that your gf doesn’t seem to appreciate in the way you want her too. You need to nip this in the bud now before it becomes an actual problem in your relationship. Just because you are paying for the date, doesn’t entitle you to anything from her. You chose to merge households and expenses in this relationship knowing your gf was a broke student and that there would be an imbalance in bill paying until she graduates and can contribute more. So leave the issue of who pays for what out of this conversation.

Anywho- back to phone free date night. Not phone free like, leave them at home, that’s not safe or even that practical. I mean, my phone is my mirror and my camera. I can’t have date night without it! Think phone free like, “Let’s enjoy each other’s company and keep our phones in our pockets/bags until we need to take a picture of our food or a selfie to commemorate the evening.”

Good luck, Ignored! I’m sure you and your gf will be back on track in no time!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

For more illustrations by Lee Ely, visit their Behance page or buy a print from Society 6. The illustration used on this page was based on a photo found on What Japan is Wearing. 

The post Ask the Femme: My girlfriend would rather check her phone than talk to me! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Illustration by Lee Ely

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner? Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously. That’s your cue to cut her out or put her into the friend zone. This is the best way to ensure you don’t get your feelings hurt down the road. You have to look out for those red flags before you invest your heart into someone.

2)     It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending out “let’s just be friends” vibes? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Are you so concerned with coming across as ‘needy’ that you come across as disinterested? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

3) You haven’t met the right one yet: It sucks, but dating is a numbers game. There’s a chance that the relationships you have had have faded out because she just wasn’t the right one for you. When you meet the right person, things click into place. I know that after being single for awhile, it’s hard to imagine that happening so easily, but when you meet the right person it won’t be this hard.

4) Be yourself, be spontaneous: TMC, it sounds like you have your dating game down to a science. You have rules for yourself about when to text and how often and when to have sex, etc. Is that really you? Be yourself, follow your instincts instead of going by the book. Throw the book away. Do whatever you want and ask your date if she’s in for the ride.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

For more illustration by Lee Ely, visit their Behance page!

The post Ask the Femme: Two Month Chump first appeared on Lesbian.com.

photo credit: via photopin (license)

BY NATASIA LANGFELDER
Lesbian.com

Dear Femme,

First of all I want to say that I’m not a lesbian, I’m Pansexual.I hope you will still answer my question. I’ve been with my husband for over five years now, married for three. We are both in our 30s. I thought that we have always been open and honest with each other. I thought that we had a great sex life. We have toyed with the idea of a threesome with another woman. It never really worked out though. We didn’t find another bisexual girl who we clicked with. I hope that’s enough background for you to understand my problem.

My problem is that my husband has a paid Ashley Madison account. My friend and I were playing around and entering emails of all the men we knew into one of those search engines for it. She put in my husband’s email address and it popped up. I confronted him about it and he said that he was using it to find a third for us. I asked him why he would keep it a secret instead of having us out up a profile together. He didn’t have an answer but he said that he didn’t meet anyone off it and that if someone had messaged him he would have told me. I’m shocked and I don’t know what to do. I thought we were open and honest and he went behind my back!  Right now we pretending it never happened. But I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him. What should I do? I just want my life to go back to normal.

Sad in Seattle

Dear Sis,

Of course I take questions from pansexuals! lesbian.com is inclusive of the entire queer community. Now! Onto your real problems.

I am so so sorry to hear about your husbands actions. For those of you who have been on vacation for the last few weeks, Ashley Madison is a website for married people (mostly men) who are looking to have discreet affairs. The massive leak of Ashley Madison users information was a huge violation of privacy and could change the way we use the internet. I would definitely caution people to avoid using sites that will match email accounts to Ashley Madison accounts to check up on relatives and parents.

Back to Sis- You are allowed to feel confused and hurt and sad and mad. Feel your feelings right now, as deeply as you can. Your life isn’t going to go back to the way it was before your husband violated your trust. However, I do believe that you and your husband can take steps to rebuild your relationship. You can start by accepting the way you feel and embracing it so that you can eventually let it go. Pretending that everything is fine is just going to create an emotional bottleneck that will cause your relationship to implode.

Sit your husband down, tell him that you can’t ignore the problem. Find a queer friendly, sex positive couples therapist in your area. Work together to find the time in your schedules to go and the funds to pay for it. Tell your husband you love him and you need him to be 100% committed to fixing the damage to your relationship- that means being totally honest and transparent with you.

Also, maybe try to take a step back and work through why he signed up for Ashley Madison. Was he feeling insecure in your relationship? Was he feeling out of control at work? While we all have to take responsibility for our actions, we don’t exist in a vacuum and there are so many nuanced reasons for the actions that we take and the roads we pursue in life. As long as your husband works hard to regain your trust, and you keep an open mind, I see no reason why you can’t work through this. However, if your husband keeps his walls up and refuses to see a therapist with you, you need to consider your next steps. Staying with a dishonest partner can wreck havoc on your psyche. Put your happiness first and trust your instincts.

Good luck, Sis! Let us know how it works out.

Xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

The post Ask the Femme: My Husband has an Ashley Madison Account first appeared on Lesbian.com.

photo credit: IMG_3346 via photopin (license)

Dear Femme,

I want to know what you think about a possessive gay BFF.  I started dating my girl knowing that her BFF basically lived with her.  It’s sort of a weird situation, in that she basically pays for his booze when they go out, and he manages her money- meaning she’ll hand him her $$$ and he’ll dole it out.  Correct me if I’m too traditional, but shouldn’t that be my job?

And ever since we’ve been getting more serious, he’s been less able to spend time with her, no more overnights, and no “platonic sugar mama.”  I’m also very vocal when I think anyone’s taking advantage of her, whether it’s him, her family, or any random stranger.  She says this makes her feel safe, which makes me believe I’m not overstepping my bounds.

However, I do like her BFF, and while I’ve set boundaries where he’s tried to do the same to me, she and him obviously have a different relationship.  What’s the best approach to getting she and I to be where I want us to be without burning bridges with anyone in her life?

-The Girlfriend

Hey TG,

First of all- your girlfriend shouldn’t be giving her money to anyone else to “dole out.” Not you and not her BFF. If she is an adult with a job, then she needs to figure out her finances on her own or with an actual advisor.

As far as her relationship with her BFF changing, that tends to happen once people form serious partnerships. Usually, a couple’s social circle doubles and there just isn’t time for everyone the way there used to be. Also, once you are in a relationship, your significant other starts to occupy the majority of your time and life – which leads to other relationships evolving and changing. It sounds as if this change is already taking place in your girlfriend’s life.

So what should you do? Nothing! Let your girlfriend figure out her friendships and her life. It’s fair to gently point out when people are trying to take advantage of her, but remember not to bully her and definitely don’t alienate her from her friends and family. That is the worst thing you could possibly do. As for her BFF, just be nice to him and include him in the plans you make sometimes. And if he wants to crash on the couch after a night out or after a fun movie night in, don’t kick him out. If your girlfriend loves this guy, then there must be something there for you to love too.

Good Luck TG! Let us know how it goes.

XOXO

The Femme

Got a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com 

The post Ask the Femme: My Girlfriend’s BFF is too Possessive first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Hi Femme,

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle

Hey SIS, I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your girlfriend crazy. And it totally should! Even though we live in an age where everyone is telling us that political correctness is killing comedy, all too often off-color jokes are just a convenient way to disguise racism.

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I totally lost it and cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. The lesson here is to never lose your cool, because once you do no one will listen to what you are trying to say. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most emotionally intelligent members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this news will travel through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “If you said that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person, you would make them uncomfortable. So you need to rethink if it’s a ‘joke’ you want to tell at all.” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar. Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow because they don’t want to speak up and make things awkward.

While  I don’t think that will stop your family from making jokes entirely, if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome. Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her. I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

The post Ask the Femme: My Family Makes Racist Jokes and I Hate it! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

It’s brutal honesty time, Ask the Femme style. You asked, “do lesbian relationships last?”

Well yes, duh. But let’s get down to the deets. photo credit: Ara Lucia via photo pin cc

Dear Femme,

I’m an Asian lesbian in my 30′s and I’ve been single for almost a year. I can’t seem to find that special woman who I feel physically and emotionally attracted too and who feels the same about me. I was always in a relationship in my 20′s and felt the need to be intimate with someone but in my 30′s. I no longer need to fullfill that sexual need. I also find it harder as I get older to find a partner. I moved to another state for a partner I trusted. But she left me for a man who was her best friend and whom I also believed was my friend. I believe lesbian relationships don’t last and have begun to feel jaded. I don’t like to feel lonely and hate sleeping alone but can’t seem to find a woman that I can feel intimate attracted too and safe with. Please help, thanks.

Azn

Hi Azn,

Thanks for writing in! There is a lot going on here. You’ve had a bad experience and I’m sorry for that. You placed your trust in the wrong person, changed your life for her, she betrayed you and it sucks. But you need to move on.

Being single for a year isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you; it’s not even that long to be single! It seems as though you have already starting thinking about your own needs and what you want from a partner. I’m going to suggest that you continue to learn about yourself and worry less about being single. Put finding love on hold for a little while and go out and have fun.

No matter how cute you are, girls can’t bust into your bedroom and find you. photo credit: Helga Weber via photo pin cc

Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself.  Join a gym, take cooking or art classes, drink your coffee at a café instead of at home. While you are out doing things and learning to love your own company, the right woman will come along. But you won’t meet her if you are at home hiding under the covers and crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

Also, you should keep in mind that just because your former love left you for a man, not all women will do that to you. You can’t judge a whole group of people based on the actions of one person from that group. It’s crazy to say that all lesbian relationships are doomed to failure. The Chick-Fil-A guy didn’t put some crazy curse on us that causes girl on girl relationships to fail…ermm…I hope he didn’t. Either way I’m sure it won’t work. Any who, approaching another girl with the mindset of “she’s going to leave me for a man” is damaging to you and insulting to her. It’s also a huge turn off if she finds out that you think this way. Stereotyping isn’t sexy.

What I’m saying is, people change and there is going to be drama, betrayal, love, affection in any relationship, gay or straight. People of all orientations, genders, races, religions and political affiliations get their hearts broken and if they are lucky, they find their forever love.

XOXO
The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: Do Lesbian Relationships Last? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY TENA PARKER

I regularly get asked questions from dog guardians who are worried about their dog being dominant. (This happens more often than I would like to mention.) They are often genuinely concerned because they’ve either heard a TV personality or a friend say that if their dog does some behavior that the dog is being dominant and trying to take over the role as “alpha.” Some of these may sound ridiculous, but these are actual concerns that have been brought to my attention.

Help! My dog is being dominant by leaning into me and claiming my space. How can I correct that?

If your dog is leaning into you, take it as a compliment. He’s seeking out affection and attention. He is not trying to dominate you – though he is being a little forward in how he is seeking your attention. It’s also probably a matter of the dog repeating a behavior that has been rewarded historically – he’s learned the leaning into you will get ear scratches, butt scratches and general snuggles. If you have a huge dog and a small body and you don’t like the lean, just don’t reward it and cue him to do something else (like a sit) so you can lavish him with cuddles for something other than leaning.

*When leaning, or variations of leaning, could become problematic is if the dog is pushing you away from things more than just leaning in. If you notice that every time you try to sit on the couch your dog blocks your way and pushes you out of the way, it may be more along the lines of resource guarding and not an attention-seeking behavior.

My dog likes to sit on the back of the couch; is he trying to dominate me?

Probably not. The back of the couch is a hot commodity in my house (and a place the Rio has always liked to sit – weird dog). Often, dogs like to sit on the back of the couch to look out of windows, to be able to avoid other animals playing on the ground or as a way to get close to their human if another animal is occupying the cushion next to the person. They aren’t trying to be dominant; they are more likely trying to get a view out of a window or be close to their person.

*This behavior could be problematic if the dog is resource guarding the person they are sitting behind or the couch itself.

My dog likes to sit on my feet or put his head or paws n my lap if I’m sitting down or nudge my hands to get pet. I can’t have him trying to be the alpha; what can I do?

All of these behaviors are attention-seeking behaviors. Your dog likes you and wants to try and be in the same space as you (which can be annoying at times). They are seeking out your affection and physically touching you – they aren’t trying to dominate you. If you like a little bit of space and would prefer your dog not intentionally sitting on your feet or putting their feet in your lap, teach them a “move over” cue or heavily reinforce them for laying down close to you but not on you.

*This behavior could be concerning if it was paired with resource guarding you from other animals or people or if it is a manifestation of separation anxiety.

Someone told me that when my puppy jumps up that he’s trying to be dominant. He jumps on everyone; is he really trying to be dominant?

Dogs jump up for a bunch of reasons. Often, they want to get close to our faces to say hello (what wild canids do when parents return to the area with food, they jump up an lick faces) and the only way to do that is to jump up. They are excited to see us and want to get close to us (again common behavior among young wild canids). And probably most commonly, jumping up is simply a behavior that has been reinforced over time and is a way the dog knows to get attention. While the jumping can be annoying and painful at times, it’s not about dominance.

*Jumping up may be a serious problem if your dog is doing what’s called a “muzzle punch.” A muzzle punch is when a dog forcefully bops into a person with a closed mouth – this typically, though not exclusively, happens when jumping up. A muzzle punch is a distance increasing behavior – ”get away from me!” and a potential precursor to a bite, so it is a concerning behavior (still not dominance).

My brother told me that I had to make my dog walk behind me at all times and go out of all the doors first or else my dog would become dominant and aggressive. Is that true?

No.

Dogs pull on the leash for a few reasons, but the most common is because humans are naturally slow movers. Our normal gait is a walk; theirs is a more efficient trot. This is their cruising speed. Have you ever had to hold the hand of a toddler and walk with them? It’s painfully slow. That’s what your dog feels like as we go out for walks and they would like to go out for a trot. So they are pulling because they are naturally faster than us and they are excited to get out of the house they’ve been stuck in all day. The same concept goes for walking through doors first – they have been stuck in the house all day and are excited to get their 30-60 minute constitutional (so to speak). They aren’t being dominant; they are excited. Both of these non-dominance issues are simply training issues.

*This may be concerning behavior if – well, neither of these have any big concerning things from the dog’s perspective (in terms of a bigger behavior concern). It can be concerning if the safety of the human is being put at risk of being pulled or knocked over or if the safety of the dog is at risk in that the handler can’t hold onto the leash or the dog bolts out doors.

My dog’s tail is always really high and over his back. Someone at the dog park got really upset and told me that it means he’s dominant and shouldn’t be at the park. Is that true?

Many dogs have naturally high tail sets and their tails being raised is nothing alarming at all. Breeds like huskies, malamutes, shih tzus, shar peis and shiba inus all have tails that are tall and curled over their backs naturally and breeds like beagles, fox hounds, many pointers and terriers like the airedale can all have tails that are often quite vertical. Rio has a very low natural tail set but his tail is often high and curled over his back when he is excited, really happy, hanging with doggie friends at the farm and hunting. A tall tail alone is not alarming and certainly isn’t automatically a sign of dominance.

*A high tail can be problematic when there are other concerning body language features as well. Very high tail, stiff body, and a staccato (fast/flagging) tail wag can be problematic, but it’s not instantly a sign of dominance. Shayne used to be nervous and insecure around other dogs and one of her body language pieces is a tall, stiff and flagging tail. It’s not a good sign, but it’s not dominance either.

So there you have it. Those are the most frequent dominance questions I get asked. Don’t get hung up on some label that doesn’t even really apply to the species in the way that people are trying to use it. Describe the behavior, learn to interpret the behavior, and then figure out the function of that behavior (what is the dog getting out of it). From that point you can figure out what your dog means by it.

Tena Parker M.S., has been working with dogs for over 10 years. She is the owner of Success Just Clicks Dog Training in Pittsburgh, PA, has a thriving daily dog blog online, is a member of the APDT (Association of Pet Dog Trainers), is a Certified APDT C.L.A.S.S Evaluator (and instructor), is a Certified AKC Canine Good Citizen and S.T.A.R. Puppy Evaluator, and is a Certified Mentor Trainer for Animal Behavior College. She also teaches popular dog training classes through Western Pennsylvania Humane Society’s Get Smart! Training School several days a week.

The post Dominant or not: Should you be worried about your dog’s behavior? first appeared on Lesbian.com.