By Lisa Dordal
Special to Lesbian.com

Through deeply personal and culturally grounded narratives, Water Lessons explores the relationship between reality and imagination, faith and doubt, presence and absence, as the speaker grapples with multiple dimensions of grief arising from her mother’s alcoholism and eventual death; her father’s deepening dementia; and her own childlessness. Against the backdrop of these personal griefs, the speaker scrutinizes the patriarchal underpinnings of the world she grew up in as well as her complicity in systemic racism as a white girl growing up in the 70s and 80s. Woven throughout the book are the speaker’s meditations on a divine presence that, for her, is both keenly felt and necessarily elusive, mirroring the speaker’s ultimate celebration of her unborn daughter as a “lovely fiction” who is both here and not here.

I Love

I love how my wife says operators are standing by,
whenever I’m out of town and she wants to chat.

I love that birds can see stars and that even fruit flies need sleep.

I love that an African grey parrot learned how to use 100 words
and that his last words were: Be good and I love you.

I love how Jesus stopped a crowd of men from stoning a woman just by writing in the sand.

I love that an octopus has three hearts.

I love that Mother Theresa only heard from God one time, and it was enough.

I love that some birds mate for life—and that after one dies,
the survivor sings both parts of their song.

I love that our brains are mostly water.

I love that some people believe in heaven. And some don’t.

I love that an owl visited my wife in a dream and that my wife said hello and asked:
Are you the kind of owl that people refer to as a barred owl?

I love that what saves one person is not the same as what saves someone else.

I love how the word cranium sounds like the name of a flower.

I love that my mother keeps wanting to show me her garden.

I love that the owl answered back.

My Mother Is a Peaceful Ghost

In my dreams my mother keeps walking out of the kitchen singing
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

She never sings past the first verse.

Last night, I dreamed I was back at the house—
every light on when I arrived. My mother, forgetting

she was dead, smiled, said she was fine, everything
was fine. At family gatherings—weddings, baptisms—

my mother would look around, sort of stunned,
and say: There’re so many of you! As if

we’d arrived from some place other than her
own body, a country foreign to her. My mother

is no longer flesh or breath. She’s not a thing
anymore. Is she with God?

Some days I believe, some days I don’t.
Centuries ago, in a church in Europe,

someone carved God Help Us into a pew.
Plague years. Sometimes my god is so big,

I wonder what’s the use. Divinity
diluted into nothingness. My mother

tried to stop drinking. I stopped, she told me once.
Like you’d stop a dryer or a washing machine.

We were standing in the Blackwater Falls gift shop
looking at coffee mugs printed with maps.

West Virginia on one side, waterfalls on the other.
One mug had a gold star to mark the visitor center.

You Are Here, on a travel mug. Here and
not here. How do you name what isn’t here?

She tried to stop. And didn’t.

Lisa Dordal (M.Div., M.F.A.) teaches in the English Department at Vanderbilt University and is the author of Mosaic of the Dark, which was a finalist for the 2019 Audre Lorde Award for Lesbian Poetry, and Water Lessons (April 2022), which was a finalist for the Poets Out Loud Prize from Fordham University Press. She is a Pushcart Prize and Best-of-the-Net nominee and the recipient of an Academy of American Poets Prize (judged by Phillis Levin), the Robert Watson Poetry Prize (from the Greensboro Review), and the Betty Gabehart Poetry Prize from the Kentucky Women Writers Conference. Her poetry has appeared in numerous journals including The Sun, Narrative, RHINO, New Ohio Review, The Greensboro Review, Best New Poets, Ninth Letter, CALYX, and Vinyl. For more information, please visit her website: lisadordal.com.

The post Celebrate National Poetry Month with Water Lessons by Lisa Dordal first appeared on Lesbian.com.

“We don’t fall in love with the gender – we fall in love with the person” – this incredible thought is a cross-cutting theme of all lesbian quotes and sayings. Indeed, it doesn’t matter who you love, your feelings and your needs are everything that matters. That’s why it’s so important to share them.

Don’t know how? It’s not a problem, my dear lady. Click here for more.

We’ve done a big job to pick up the most thoughtful and spicy collection of lesbian texts, lesbian kissing quotes, and relationship sayings, so just take them to take relationships with your beloved girl up to the next level.

Lesbian Relationship Quotes and Sayings
Lesbians love to talk about love and how amazing and unpredictable it can be: the best friend becoming a girlfriend, a beautiful chick that took the table next to you turns out to be a lesbian and you’re both absolutely in love, you steal a girl from some local macho – yes, lesbian relationships are so multifaceted and wonderful, and numerous lesbian quotes prove that:

• Staring at you and thinking: how did a girl like you end up with a girl like me?

• As I stare at you this very moment, I had realized you’re still the one I wanna fall for, every second from now.

• Seeing your girl undress in front of you is some other level of high.

• Being someone’s first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect.

• At the end of the night, all I really want is my head on your chest with your fingers wrapped around mine.

• It will always be you, for the rest of my life and beyond.

• You may not be perfect, but with every imperfection, I find you’re more perfect for me.

• My girl, you have no idea how good it feels to wake up every morning knowing you are mine and I’m yours.

• It doesn’t matter what others say, as long as you’re here with me, it’s all that matters.

• I’m gonna marry that girl, no matter what you say.

Find the perfect quote for your sweetheart or social media feed here.

The post Cute lesbian quotes first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dear Femme, 

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and everything is going really well. We moved in together a few months ago and it’s been great to live with my best friend and come home to her everyday. And I do come home to her, I work a little bit later than she does, so by the time i get home, she has dinner waiting for me. And that’s so nice and I’m so lucky. But the problem is that dinner is always terrible. It’s just so bad, I would rather just microwave leftovers or get takeout than eat it. I don’t understand what she does to it. She thinks she’s a really good cook and I don’t want to burst her bubble. 

How can I tell her her cooking is terrible without ruining our relationship? I’m afraid she will be hurt and resent me and I would do anything to avoid hurting her feelings, or putting our relationship in jeopardy. Please help. 

Hungry in Ohio

Dear Hungry,

Of all the problems in the world, this isn’t a bad problem to have. If you and your girlfriend have as strong of a relationship as it sounds, you should be able to talk to her about this. Talking to her about this small problem is really good practice for when you have to talk about the more important problems that will crop up if you end up spending your entire lives together.

Maybe say something like, “I really appreciate it when you make dinner for me, it’s so nice to come home to that after a long day at work. But, sometimes the food you make is too ___” Insert whatever adjective you need too. I kind of want to know how she ruins this food. Is it too salty? Burnt to a crisp? Does she put ketchup on everything?

You could also say something like, “This food needs a little something, I really like kale with garlic not kale with ketchup.” Or whatever it is she’s doing. Eventually she will start taking notice of what you like and don’t like, and incorporating that into the meals she cooks.

If you’re too scared to address the problem directly, there are more subtle steps you can take. You guys can take a cooking class together and maybe she can incorporate some of the lessons learned into her dinner repertoire. You could watch some Food Network shows together and try to recreate the recipes. Or even find some recipes you like and send them over to her to make for dinner. Give her a back rub for being so accommodating to your cravings.

Good luck, Hungry! Let us know how it goes.

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about Lee visit http://www.latewerks.com, follow on Instagram @latewerks, like on Facebook and purchase their work at https://society6.com/latewerks.

The post Ask the Femme: I love my girlfriend, but I hate her cooking! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Girlfriends Charmaine Brooks and Carlie Pearce didn’t know that the love song they recorded together would go viral. Brooks wrote the song 20 years ago, and, when she met Pearce, decided she had finally found someone to record it with. We chatted with Brooks about the song, what it’s like to work with your partner and the music that inspires her.

The post Lesbian couple’s music video goes viral first appeared on Lesbian.com.

So you like a girl and she likes you…but then what?! Robin and Lacie, a real life lesbian couple, share their tips on sealing the deal and keeping the deal sealed. Watch their silly, but totally true, hacks for learning to live with your person long term and keeping the romance alive. Spoiler alert: try not to fart in front of your person.

photo credit: still love you. via photopin (license)

The post Bloggers Lacie and Robin Talk Relationship Hacks first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Hi Femme,

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle

Hey SIS, I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your girlfriend crazy. And it totally should! Even though we live in an age where everyone is telling us that political correctness is killing comedy, all too often off-color jokes are just a convenient way to disguise racism.

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I totally lost it and cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. The lesson here is to never lose your cool, because once you do no one will listen to what you are trying to say. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most emotionally intelligent members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this news will travel through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “If you said that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person, you would make them uncomfortable. So you need to rethink if it’s a ‘joke’ you want to tell at all.” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar. Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow because they don’t want to speak up and make things awkward.

While  I don’t think that will stop your family from making jokes entirely, if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome. Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her. I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

The post Ask the Femme: My Family Makes Racist Jokes and I Hate it! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

photo by L. Bost

There is something motivating about scarcity that compels us to seek out that which is missing. When we can’t have something, we want it — badly — now!

It’s not unusual to voluntarily remove something from our lives: a bad habit, a toxic relationship, a boring job, or for the sake of discussion—potato chips. When we change our diet, we become obsessed with the item we intentionally remove. It was our choice, yet suddenly, nothing would be better than eating potato chips. In our minds, we tell ourselves we don’t want potato chips. We weren’t thinking of potato chips, and in fact we don’t eat them all that often, but now that we cannot have potato chips, nothing else will do! We must have potato chips! Now!

And so it is with me and my GF, who is off in Hawaii with a long-time friend of hers on a little vacay. “Great! Go,” I said. “Have a good time with your friend.” I could have gone, but I’ve been to the Big Island twice and I already have travel plans with my GF for later in the year. They left a few days ago and now that’s she’s gone…

Now! I have to hear from her now! I am checking for texts. I am checking on Facebook for messages. I am checking my e-mail for little notes about where they went and what they had for dinner. I’m trying to get on with my day, but really, I’m thinking about her. I’m not writing, or at least not focused on my writing, because I’m imagining her at that snorkel spot I mentioned, or perhaps she’s taken a side trip to the old church. Yes, she sent me a couple of pics of the view from their room and another of her having a drink near the beach. I’m stuffing these images into my head faster than a handful of forbidden, deliciously salty, chips. They’re not enough. I need more.

The thing is, we talk or e-mail a few times during the week and rarely see one another on weekday evenings. She works. I work. Our face-to-face girlfriend time is on the weekends. We get together on Friday night and spend a blissful weekend together before going our separate ways. Nothing’s changed. I saw her on the weekend, she left for Hawaii. I’ll see her the following weekend. No matter. She’s not here and like the diet example, all I can think about are the potato chips I can’t have. It is irrelevant that our normal contact hasn’t changed. She’s thousands of miles away, not ten minutes away. There’s something about the scarcity of her presence that makes me miss her more than I could have imagined. I want what I can’t have—now!

We exchanged a few brief messages and spoke on the phone. I heard about the first half of her trip. Things are going well, the weather is good, an excursion to Hilo and a side trip to Volcanoes National Park are coming up. Everything’s fine. Right?

I cheer myself that I will hear more stories when she returns. I believe it’s important to have a life outside our relationship and I like hearing about things she’s done on her own. It will be great to see her. She’ll be a bit tan and the smell of coconut shampoo will linger in her hair. We’ll grind up the Kona coffee beans she will surely buy and as we sip our drinks, she’ll tell me about the pretty yellow tangs and parrot fish that swam near the multi-colored coral. As she speaks, I’ll devour each word until the false sense of scarcity fades while savoring the little details that add flavor and depth to her experience. When I’ve had my fill, I’ll remember the refrain from this Dan Hicks song for the next time she takes a vacation without me:

How can I miss you when you won’t go away?
Keep telling you day after day.
But you won’t listen, you always stay and stay.
How can I miss you when you won’t go away?

Zoe Amos brings her lesbian point of view to articles and stories on diverse topics. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. Read her stories on Kindle and Nook. Check out her other life at www.janetfwilliams.com

The post From A to Zoe: Gone girlfriend first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dating.

This is one word that’s been unfamiliar in my mind and vocabulary for the past five years. Stumbling into “Singledom” after the dissolution of the relationship with my girlfriend has catapulted this word back into my world, usually the moments when people ask, “Are you starting to date?” For me, this simple word takes on so many different emotions.

You might find yourself in the same boat.

Weeks, months or even years after your breakup, the thoughts of dating, from putting yourself out there, setting up a date and riffing over surface subjects like work, your hometown and hobbies might be overwhelming. For some, it might be exciting. For me, the word itself made me slightly queasy.

More than the standard dating awkwardness, you might not be ready to move on. It’s likely your heart has a hole in it, the size of Texas, where she had been. Not saying you want the relationship back, but imagining bringing another person into your life, when at the same time, frantically managing post-breakup healing might not feel right.

Listen to your heart and head on this one, ladies.

While so many lesbians tend to fall into another relationship (or in bed) at lightning speed after their breakups, some of us take the time to refocus our attention on ourselves. This process isn’t easy (me: hell no!) and can be lonely.

Hopping into another relationship will temporarily alleviate your heartache, making this the ultimate easy route. However, if this is your path, it’ll only put your pain on delay — almost a snooze button for harsh reality.

Besides working through the standard post-breakup agony, investing time in building yourself up again will only contribute to making you a better partner for the future.

To be honest, in the past, I’ve found someone else quickly after my heart was broken (incidentally, by the same ex. Whew, I wish I would have learned then!). I think most of us have, right? This time, the thought of being with someone is one of the last things on my mind (besides that pile of dirty clothes on my floor waiting for laundry day). The first thing on my mind? Me. This is how I know my relationship was monumental for my growth and all I’m learning (good and bad) has spun out a person who is healing instead of diverting reality.

Recently, I confided to a friend I thought I was ready to date. Hell, I’d been on the right path, being social, finding some kind of happiness again and healing my wounds. It wasn’t until a recent gathering, where something triggered me back to that shitty pain, that I realized I’m still struggling. I’m still hurt.

Does this mean I’m not ready?

Possibly.

If you’ve gone through a whirlwind in your own breakup and are in this limbo of “Am I ready? Am I not ready?” Give yourself a break. Avoid feeding into what your friends, our community and society are expecting from you. You might not be ready for dating and that is quite OK.

In fact, it’s kind of bad ass.

So, here are my thoughts, if something happens, it happens. If you’re not ready to actively look or put yourself out there, then don’t. Having your heart crushed and reconstructed has likely given you a clearer vision of what you want, what you don’t want and what you deserve (you deserve a whole lot!) in a future partner.

If this serendipitous universe puts someone in your path now, even during your process of recovery, acknowledge it.

I’m discovering in life, connections with people (friendships, relationships, business, etc.) occur at random moments, which might not make much sense in the beginning, but will give you that a-ha moment later on. Maybe this will happen with someone who will enter your fragile world, maybe it won’t.

Give yourself the time you need before entering the dating scene. This great big world has a plan for you bigger than you can imagine.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.

The post When to start dating after a break up first appeared on Lesbian.com.

One of the many things my breakup left me was the choice of what to do with our beautiful vacation to Tulum, Mexico. My ex and I went back and forth, deciding whether we’d refund the trip, keep the tickets and try to reunite our love in Tulum or bring a friend in one of our places.

Eventually, our trip was cancelled. However, my inner voice urged me not to refund my plane ticket, to take this opportunity and go solo. So, in a week, refunded our beautiful and romantic all-inclusive hotel room at the swanky Dreams Resort for a cheap (and very different) alternative, camping in the Tulum jungle for $40 a night.

Once I arrive in warm Cancun, Mexico, I get on a shuttle to take me along the two-hour journey along the Mexican coast to Tulum. A mother and daughter from Canada ride with me. The daughter is going to be the maid of honor at her friend’s wedding in Playa del Carmen. After talking to them for a bit, they discover I am traveling alone. They seem uncomfortable at the thought of a woman doing it solo in foreign country. I didn’t tell them my story — what had brought me here and what I would gain here.

After dropping off the Canadian ladies to their mega resort, I hop in the front seat next to the shuttle driver, Johnny. For an hour, we talk about his children, working at Buffalo Wild Wings (which we both had done), and his stressful job as a shuttle driver. I had met a friend, someone I would have never known if I wasn’t traveling on my own.

I say goodbye to Johnny as I check into my campsite, Turquesa Jungle Camping. The friendly and fabulous host walks down a winding tree-lined path to show me to my orange tent, surrounded by thick palm trees. I tell him “gracias” and sit in my tent, suddenly immersed in unfamiliar silence. I wonder how I’m here, in the jungle, in one of the most beautiful places on earth, alone.

I walk to the beach, look into its clear waters, search for some inner peace. I don’t find it so I find dinner instead at an amazing seafood restaurant called Simple Tulum. The bartender and staff make me feel warm and welcome. Through a few cervezas and amazing grilled mahi, I realize my experiences on this trip will be just what I need. That night, I walk the dark tree-lined road back to my tent.

The next day, I rent a bike to take a 10-mile ride to the mystical Mayan ruins. Unfortunately, I’m not thrilled by history or monuments. However, people-watching (especially tourists), I am a huge fan of, so the ruins made an excellent place for one of my favorite activities. Tulum is a place for any kind of person — families, newlyweds, gays, and plenty of sexy Europeans. It’s one of those place where no labels exist. Everyone seems to be enjoying just being free.

Hell, this is the kind of place where you can avoid “boob jail” and go bra-less all week, hold hands with your lady without a stare, go topless on the beach, or let your kids play naked in the ocean. This is why I adore Tulum.

Enough of the emotion of why this place is spectacular. Let’s get to the activities.

THE CENOTES
Beautiful and dream-like, these underground cave-like bodies of water (around five in Tulum) are filled with crystal clear water. They’re not to be missed. Not all of them are under the earth’s surface, like my favorite one, Casa Cenote. Take a paddleboard and snorkel trip through this one and it might become one of your favorite vacation memories.

THE FOOD
I can’t stress enough how delicious the food is here if you eat at the right places. Hartwood, Casa Jaguar and Gitano are all sexy places (think candlelight outdoor dining, fresh farm to table food and drinks, with a dash of hot hipsters), but they’ll cost you a pretty penny. Stray from the hotel zone to downtown Tulum for great and cheap food that’ll knock your socks off. My favorites are Taqueria Honorio (only open during the day) and Antojitos Mexicanos for tacos, El Camello for seafood, and the famous Flor de Michoacan for popsicles, juices and other sweet treats.

Passionfruit growing

Vegan or health nut? I stumbled upon a hidden gem after yoga. A raw food stand nestled in a pink hut on the property of the Ahau Hotel. Adan, who owns it concocts a smoothie of passionfruit, pineapple, ginger and other good stuff I can’t remember. He tells me about their new dairy-free coconut yogurt he makes along with their handmade chocolates and pizza. He even shows me to the garden where I find myself under a structure that holds beautiful passionfruit vines.

THE ZEN
Tulum is home to yogis, shamans and free spirits. Many hotels and spas offer yoga in the mornings for around $12 to $20 per class. The class I took at Ahau Hotel was mind blowing (the gorgeous instructor had something to do with this, I’m sure). Actually, it was the best yoga experience I’ve had so far. There’s also a chocolate, wine and yoga event at Ahau on Wednesday nights at 6pm. Don’t say no.

Mayan clay

I recommend pampering yourself with a Mayan clay massage. Both times I’ve been to Tulum, I’ve gone to Mayan Clay Spa. Mayan clay, indigenous to the region is used as a detoxifier, regenerator and healer of the skin. It might feel a little weird to have someone slap and massage clay over your body and hair, let it harden and wash it off, but I promise it feels amazing. Not only will it make your skin soft, it heals acne, diminishes wrinkles, helps sunburns and conditions the hair.

THE BEACHES
Crystal clear waters? Soft white beaches? Tropical flowers and palms? Check. Many people walk or run the stretch of beach, some let their dogs play in the salty waters, others frolic with their lovers in the waves, while many women shed their tops and let it all hang out. However you do it, the beaches and scenery here is lovely. If you’re staying at a hotel on the beach side (unlike my tent resort on the jungle side), you’ve got it made with lounge chairs, beds and food and drink service.

If you’re not staying at a beachfront hotel, Aura Beach (around five miles down the main hotel road) lets you rent chairs and umbrellas all day under $15. They also serve booze and food, so you’re good to go!

My own trip to Tulum was quite an experience.

Most people I met on my journey told me how admirable it is that I’m traveling on my own. Women with their significant others exclaimed they would be doing the same if they were single. I don’t want to toot my own horn but, looking back I can’t believe I did what I did, from experiencing raw moments in the hot jungle, finding happiness in conversations with wonderful people and facing post-breakup pain on a vacation intended for a completely different purpose.

This wasn’t my first time in Tulum. I went last September with friends, this time alone, and am already planning for another adventure later this year. One day, I’ll have the amazing experience to bring my future partner and family here.

I could go on forever. Tulum is this good. For me, it was healing and everything I needed to take a nice time out.

It’s an uncomplicated place, full of positive energy, beautiful people, and simplistic grace. Can you tell I highly recommend it?

If you’re going to Tulum, here are a few travel suggestions:

1. Get pesos or pay with your card. Paying in American dollars lands you a crappy exchange rate and incorrect change back. You can do this at the two ATMs on Tulum Avenue (Scotiabank or HSBC). Also, the ATMs along the hotel zone are not safe and charge you an arm and leg in fees.
2. Rent a bike or a car. Taxi fare will add up, if you’re getting out of the hotel area on the regular. Biking will make you look cute anyways. Plus, it’s a great workout.
3. Sunscreen (lots of it). It’s easy for your pasty American ass to get caught up in the Mexican sun, but the next day it’ll hurt like hell.
4. Don’t drink the water. Enough said.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.

The post A couple’s vacation transforms into a solo odyssey first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D.

Dear CG,

Help! I always end up with bisexual women who end up leaving me for men. This is the fourth time it’s happened! In the beginning they always gush on and on: “You’re so beautiful, you’re such a goddess” and I fall for it every time. Then later they’re like “Well, I’m sorry, I really like you, but…” My heart can’t take this any more! What is wrong, and how can I fix it??

S.D., Chicago

Dear S.D.,

Ouch. That does sound incredibly painful. I am so sorry you are going through this.

The issue really isn’t that your partners are bisexual, though. (Bisexual women are just as capable of committing to one partner as anyone else.) We hear from lots of women who have similar patterns that play out just a little differently. For instance, “I always fall for women that aren’t over their exes yet,” or “I always fall for women who are poly, even though I want a monogamous relationship,” or “I always fall for women who live far away.”

So, let’s look at what these scenarios have in common. They all involve someone who thinks, “I’m here, I’m available, my heart is open – why can’t I meet my match?”

What I’ve discovered time and time again, both in my personal experience and with my therapy clients, is this:

When you feel like you’re saying Yes and the universe is saying No, the truth is that somewhere inside of you, there is also a big loud No – and that’s what the universe is echoing.

Please know that I’m not saying you want or deserve this situation. Of course you don’t want it or deserve it. And it’s not your “fault.” Yet somewhere inside of you, there are beliefs, fears or needs that are leading you to re-create it, to get drawn into it, again and again.

Now, it can be very painful to face this truth – but ultimately it’s a joyful and empowering truth, because it means that since you have been (unconsciously) creating your own suffering, you have the power to change it! (Which is part of why we at Conscious Girlfriend love to say, “You have the power to transform your relationship destiny!”)

Here is an exercise I often do with clients to help them locate that inner “No.” If you’re brave enough, you can even do it by yourself. Here’s how.

Let yourself get into a calm, centered, meditative state. Relax, breathe deeply, feel the surfaces underneath you, remember your connection to the earth, and to yourself. Place a hand on your own heart. Come into your body as fully as you can.

Then try on a preview of what you believe you want. Say to yourself, “Okay, I’ve met my match. She is completely, 100 percent available. She’s single and unattached, she lives nearby, I’m just her type, she’s just my type, she’s perfect for me and she’s totally into me. All systems are GO.”

Now, closely observe what happens in your body. Is there a feeling of loosening, opening, a whole-body YES? Or is there any part of you that tightens up, shuts down, goes into disbelief, fear, numbness?

If it feels like 100 percent of you is saying “Yes,” just stick with the image. Let yourself really try on the scenario in technicolor. Let the movie keep running – in fact, see if you can invite it off the movie screen and into your body. Imagine as fully as you can, “She’s real. She’s here. She’s available. Nothing stands in the way of our having a full partnership.”

I would bet a large sum of money that as you continue to try this on, you will start to notice some part of you that balks, that closes up.

I remember when this really became clear to me in my own life. I was on my third relationship in a row with someone who wasn’t fully available. I’m a creative person, so at least I had varied the pattern a bit. The first time, my girlfriend led me to believe she was single, but somehow, her last live-in girlfriend believed they were still together. (Huh?!) Then she stayed out drinking with another ex till 5:00 a.m. Then she moved across the country. Then she ended up moving back in with the woman whom she had supposedly broken up with shortly before we met. I was madly in love with her, and totally shattered.

My next girlfriend appeared infinitely more available. Her unavailability was much more subtle. Over time, she stopped hugging me when we saw each other. She stopped wanting sex. She became withdrawn and mean.

And the girlfriend after that was officially unavailable. She had a primary partner with whom she was no longer sexual, from whom she’d obtained permission to have a lover on the side – and because I was trying to heal this pattern of mine (even though I didn’t know it at the time!), I signed on to be her once-a-week love muffin – although that wasn’t what I wanted at all.

So, what was at the bottom of this? I’ll cut to the chase, though it took a lot of self-exploration and some work with my healer to get there. My father was loving, but also invasive and sexually abusive; my mother was loving, but often fearful and unhappy – and she had poor boundaries, so her feelings oozed onto and into me. This set me up to want and expect love, but also to believe I had to protect myself from it. In essence, I created an energetic “electric fence” around myself to keep both my parents out. I felt safe that way, but also very, very lonely — which made me more and more desperate to connect with others. But since I didn’t really trust them not to invade or abuse me, I kept my fence up. This meant that the truly available women I longed for couldn’t get to me — because the fence kept me from being available. So I only attracted women who, like me, were ambivalent about connection.

Are you still with me here?

Once I really understood this pattern and took full responsibility for it, I could finally heal it. I had to do some inner child work to let my younger self know it could be safe to be close. That took a number of hypnotherapy sessions, and some intense emotion. But things shifted.

Then I played out the opposite side of the pattern with the next few women I (briefly) dated. They tried to glom onto me immediately, and I became the “unavailable” one for them! I learned a lot from that, and it helped me understand even better why it had felt safer to me to be always yearning than to feel swallowed, engulfed and invaded.

But to tell you the truth, both sides of the equation felt bad. So I did a smart thing: I stepped way back and took some time off from relationships. I spent a couple of years single, really working on being connected to myself.

And then I met Michelle, and we’ve lived happily ever after.

(Seriously, of course Michelle and I have growing, learning and healing to do together, too. But it’s fascinating to me to see that when this issue of “availability” does surface between us, it’s only the palest, faintest shadow of its former self. Michelle is deep, sweet warm and present, but when she gets overwhelmed, she has a tendency to kind of fade out, or pull back into herself like a turtle into its shell for a little while, and sometimes I notice just the tiniest little twang of a trigger in myself. But we can both recognize what’s going on, talk it through, take the space we need, and then joyfully, lovingly and consciously re-connect.)

I hope this personal story is helpful to you, S.D. Your own particulars are undoubtedly different, but I’d bet that when you look closely enough, you’ll find a part of yourself that says No to closeness (as well as the part you’re more aware of, that yearns for it.) That means you’ve got a split intention – which is kind of like having one foot on the gas, and another on the brake. The “vehicle” of your relationship life just can’t get very far that way. So the answer lies in doing more healing around whatever in you has led you to re-create this pattern – so that you can find the truly satisfying love you want and deserve.

I’m rooting for you!

Love,
Ruth

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