Dear Femme,

I love my girlfriend more than anything. We’ve been together for two years and long-distance that whole time, but we’re only a day’s drive apart, and we visit each other as often as we can. Last fall she applied for a one-year position abroad and I figured I would move there with her. But she’s just heard that she’s been assigned to work in a remote town rather than the city she thought she would be sent to. The country she’s going to is pretty homophobic and she believes it wouldn’t be safe for us to be there together without the anonymity of a city.

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through a year without her. It’s already so painful being apart for just a few weeks at a time. The worst part is that she’s so excited about this opportunity, and I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t just be happy for her. How can I learn to cope with this and focus on all the good times we’ll have in the future rather than the terrible time I’m having now?

– Left Behind

Hi Left,

Ahh, what a problem! A year is both a long time and no time at all. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t be upset about the prospect of their girlfriend leaving for an entire year, no matter how happy she was about the opportunity. It’s possible to be excited about a great job opportunity but also sad at the prospect of leaving you for so long.

I know you don’t want to dampen your girlfriends spirits and that’s totally a testament to your love for her, but you two have to talk about it. Isn’t she a little sad at the prospect of leaving you for a whole year? She must be, and if she’s not, there might be something deeper in the relationship you need to address. Assuming that she is excited but sad about being apart for a whole year, maybe plan for time when you can go visit her. Surely she gets some holidays off from her position and you two can meet in the nearby city. Seeing each other twice for 5-7 days seems like a reasonable compromise while she’s gone.

Also let her know that you expect some communication from her while she’s gone. You don’t want to ruin her experience abroad by making her sit in front of a screen FaceTiming with you, but she should try to call you and email you when it’s accessible and convenient. And she shouldn’t neglect you while she’s gone. Support is a two way street. You need to make sure you don’t ruin this experience for her but she also can’t leave you high and dry for a year and expect everything to resume the way it has been when she gets back.

Okay, so let’s assume you two have worked out a schedule of visits and communication so you don’t go crazy. I know this sounds nuts, but try to think of this year alone as an opportunity. You love your girlfriend more than anything, you two are probably going to be together for a long time. So use this time to work on yourself. Do things that you haven’t had time to do because you spend time traveling to see your girlfriend. See your friends more! Make new friends! Visit your grandparents, they aren’t going to live forever! Take that language class you always wanted to take. Learn to cook. Write a novel. Binge watch that TV show your girlfriend hates. Or travel abroad to places that are gay friendly. Take a girls trip with your friends. There’s so much to do, so much that can be done in life. Your girlfriend is out there living her dream. What is your dream? Figure it out and live it. The year will go by faster than you know.

Best of luck, sweetie. Let us know how it goes!

Xoxo

The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at askafemme@yahoo.com

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about Lee visit http://www.latewerks.com, follow on Instagram @latewerks, like on Facebook and purchase their work at https://society6.com/latewerks.

The post Ask the Femme: My girlfriend is moving abroad for a year and I’m devastated first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Hi Femme,

What do you do when 95% of your family is embarrassingly racist and your girlfriend is non-white? I’d like to begin a conversation about their overt racism (which they see as “jokes”, but it’s beyond offensive) without starting a war. They know not to say anything about my girlfriend’s nationality, but they insult every other group! It makes us so angry.

Sensitive in Seattle

Hey SIS, I think almost all of us can sympathize with this dilemma. It sounds to me like even though your family is calling these statements jokes, there’s a hint of truth that comes through and is making you and your girlfriend crazy. And it totally should! Even though we live in an age where everyone is telling us that political correctness is killing comedy, all too often off-color jokes are just a convenient way to disguise racism.

Here’s a quick lesson in how not to handle this. Once upon a time, a very young Hot Femme went home with her white girlfriend for Thanksgiving. At the dinner table, two family members were talking about their Latina cleaning ladies and laughing at them; their accents, their attractiveness level, everything. I totally lost it and cursed everyone out…like graphically. I also lost any sympathy anyone would have had for me by not acting like a lady, or whatever. The lesson here is to never lose your cool, because once you do no one will listen to what you are trying to say. If I was you, here’s how I would proceed:

1. Approach a few of the most emotionally intelligent members of your family one-on-one. Maybe that’s your mom, aunt, cousin, uncle- and explain to them that this is something that’s really bothering you. Don’t point fingers, but do mention some specific instances that back up your feelings. Chances are this news will travel through the family grapevine and the offending parties will soften their behavior when you’re around.

2. The next time someone says something offensive and says “just kidding” just say something along the lines of “I know that’s a joke and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s good time, but racial jokes make me uncomfortable.” If they press you just laugh and say “If you said that joke in front of a [insert targeted ethnicity] person, you would make them uncomfortable. So you need to rethink if it’s a ‘joke’ you want to tell at all.” If the person doesn’t stop, leave the gathering. It doesn’t need to be an angry dramatic exit, simply state that you aren’t comfortable participating in this conversation and you’re going home to watch The L Word. If you keep everything smiles and honey, it will be hard for people to come at you with serious vinegar. Chances are only a few of your family members really even enjoy the ‘jokes’ and the rest are just going with the flow because they don’t want to speak up and make things awkward.

While  I don’t think that will stop your family from making jokes entirely, if you stick with it eventually they will stop doing it in front of you, if for no other reason then they don’t want you to leave. Will they call you sensitive and too politically correct? Yes, but who cares! You’re being awesome. Last bit of advice, don’t even bother bringing your girlfriend into this. Make it about your feelings so no one can displace any hurt or anger onto her. I hope this helped! Let us all know how it goes.

xoxo

Hot Femme

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

The post Ask the Femme: My Family Makes Racist Jokes and I Hate it! first appeared on Lesbian.com.

It’s brutal honesty time, Ask the Femme style. You asked, “do lesbian relationships last?”

Well yes, duh. But let’s get down to the deets. photo credit: Ara Lucia via photo pin cc

Dear Femme,

I’m an Asian lesbian in my 30′s and I’ve been single for almost a year. I can’t seem to find that special woman who I feel physically and emotionally attracted too and who feels the same about me. I was always in a relationship in my 20′s and felt the need to be intimate with someone but in my 30′s. I no longer need to fullfill that sexual need. I also find it harder as I get older to find a partner. I moved to another state for a partner I trusted. But she left me for a man who was her best friend and whom I also believed was my friend. I believe lesbian relationships don’t last and have begun to feel jaded. I don’t like to feel lonely and hate sleeping alone but can’t seem to find a woman that I can feel intimate attracted too and safe with. Please help, thanks.

Azn

Hi Azn,

Thanks for writing in! There is a lot going on here. You’ve had a bad experience and I’m sorry for that. You placed your trust in the wrong person, changed your life for her, she betrayed you and it sucks. But you need to move on.

Being single for a year isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you; it’s not even that long to be single! It seems as though you have already starting thinking about your own needs and what you want from a partner. I’m going to suggest that you continue to learn about yourself and worry less about being single. Put finding love on hold for a little while and go out and have fun.

No matter how cute you are, girls can’t bust into your bedroom and find you. photo credit: Helga Weber via photo pin cc

Don’t stay home and feel sorry for yourself.  Join a gym, take cooking or art classes, drink your coffee at a café instead of at home. While you are out doing things and learning to love your own company, the right woman will come along. But you won’t meet her if you are at home hiding under the covers and crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

Also, you should keep in mind that just because your former love left you for a man, not all women will do that to you. You can’t judge a whole group of people based on the actions of one person from that group. It’s crazy to say that all lesbian relationships are doomed to failure. The Chick-Fil-A guy didn’t put some crazy curse on us that causes girl on girl relationships to fail…ermm…I hope he didn’t. Either way I’m sure it won’t work. Any who, approaching another girl with the mindset of “she’s going to leave me for a man” is damaging to you and insulting to her. It’s also a huge turn off if she finds out that you think this way. Stereotyping isn’t sexy.

What I’m saying is, people change and there is going to be drama, betrayal, love, affection in any relationship, gay or straight. People of all orientations, genders, races, religions and political affiliations get their hearts broken and if they are lucky, they find their forever love.

XOXO
The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: Do Lesbian Relationships Last? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

If you’re like me, you watched Disney’s twinkling wintry extravaganza “Frozen” over and over this holiday season, probably with a flush of goosebumps and a lump in your throat when she’s building that freaking awesome ice castle.

If you’re not like me, you’re probably a little sick of the movie being quite so everywhere, seeming to have captured the imaginations and hearts of the entire spectrum of humanity. This global adoration for Disney’s latest effort could be due to the impressive animation, lovable characters and insanely catchy songs, but these are not new features for a Disney movie. What “Frozen” seems to have that others did not is a deeper symbolic resonance, an amazing interpretability that makes it at once universal and personal.

There has been huge speculation about the meaning of the movie and there are certainly some fascinating interpretations out there from which to choose.

“Frozen” could be a coming of age story, exploring the frightening power of budding female sexuality, or a Christian allegory, in which pure love and sacrifice save the day. It could be a metaphorical exploration of the queer experience — parental rejection, the closet, coming out, acceptance — an interpretation that has upset a fair few right wing bloggers and parents, while delighting people like us with its shame-shedding anthem “Let It Go”. It could even be — and this is my favorite interpretation — a metaphor for living with mental illness, specifically borderline personality disorder, a condition characterized by explosive, uncontrollable emotion and a troubled, unstable sense of self.

There has been plenty of controversy over which interpretation is correct and whether certain interpretations are appropriate for the film’s target audience. While I have loved reading about these specific ideas, what struck me the most is that all of these interpretations have one thing at the center. That one thing is the true subject of the film and (I would argue) the reason the entire planet has gone so nuts over it.

“Frozen” is about shame. Specifically, it is about overcoming shame through unconditional love and self-acceptance.

Elsa is locked away by her family for having super mega ice powers of doom. She is made to cover her hands, the part of her body from which her power emanates and to stay away from people. She has the instruction to hide her true self (“Conceal it, don’t feel it”) drummed into her from a young age and as a result develops an obsession with being perfect.

Sound like anyone you know? (Hint: it sounds like everyone you know.) Elsa’s belief that there is something fundamentally bad and wrong about her is, sadly, a very relatable feeling for most of us.

In her incredible book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,” shame researcher Brené Brown writes, “We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.”

Brown believes that shame prevents personal growth, which is why it is terrible as a motivational tool — a fact beautifully illustrated several times over in “Frozen.” No matter how many times Elsa is told to hide, asked to change, implored to stop the winter, she is not able to and these demands in fact only serve to make her worse. Only when her sister shows her unconditional love, bringing with it the implied acceptance she needs, can Elsa finally be the confident, happy, queen/ice-skating coordinator she was born to be.

Elsa is not the only character in the movie dealing with shame either. Think about the devilish Prince Hans, lyrical liar, kingdom stealer and textbook narcissist, “When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens,” writes Brown, “I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

Hans, shamed into insignificance by his twelve older brothers, is that part of us all that longs to be important, special, significant, to prove “them” wrong. The adorkable bad ass Princess Anna, who also spent her entire childhood being ignored, is dealing with her own shame feelings. Like Hans, she doesn’t want to be “completely ordinary” and longs to find someone who will notice her. Only when she forges genuine connections with Olaf and Kristoff does she learn that love is about more than being noticed; it is about seeing and being seen — warts, flaws, freaky ice powers and all.

What “Frozen” teaches us, and it’s a lesson we desperately needed, is that whether we’re striving to be perfect, important or noticed, a quest driven by shame will ultimately fail. As research suggests self-criticism elevates stress hormones, such as cortisol, in the bloodstream, a state that does not foster personal growth.

The adorably named “Cuddle Hormone” oxytocin, however, which is released when we receive various forms of affection, is associated with optimism, trust and self-esteem. Love really does set you free (from your crippling shame and low self-esteem and uncontrollable ice problems). An important, perhaps life-saving lesson, backed up by science, you can learn from watching 90 minutes of Norwegian ladies running around singing in the snow.

Francesca Lewis is a queer feminist writer from Yorkshire, UK. She writes for Curve Magazine and The Human Experience as well as writing short fiction and working on a novel. Her ardent love of American pop culture is matched only by her passion for analyzing it completely to death.

The post Shame, unconditional love and self-acceptance: The universal appeal of Disney’s ‘Frozen’ first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Dear Femme,
My wifey and I have been together for 12 years. Realistically, we know that forever is a long ass time and we both are flirty people. We have a don’t ask don’t tell but DON’T CHEAT policy in place. Flirting is fine as long as it’s not in the other person’s face and doesn’t go beyond flirting. I can’t be sure, but I think my wife has crossed the line.

Heartbroken

Heartbroken,
If you are asking if you should leave your wife of 12 years over an innocuous text message exchange, the answer is no! Don’t leave her over that; that would be crazy. I definitely understand why you are hurt and angry but this isn’t a betrayal worthy of trashing a marriage over.

I admire you two for accommodating each other’s flirtiness. It’s reasonable to expect that in a long term relationship, two people will occasionally be attracted to other people. It’s how you handle those situations that make or break a long term relationship.

You say that your wife did betray your trust and break the “rules.” However, how communicative were you about these “rules?” Does she know that the “rules” stop just shy of getting numbers? If you haven’t been clear about where you are comfortable drawing the line, accept her apology and specifically state that you want the rule to be “no numbers exchanged.”

Nothing undermines a relationship quite like holding onto grudges. Being unforgiving of your partner, especially when s/he has apologized, is cutting off your nose to spite your face. So draw your line in the sand, forgive and head to couples counseling if you’re partner goes behind your back and does it again.

Good luck, Heartbroken!

xoxo,
The Femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

The post Ask the Femme: I think my wife cheated first appeared on Lesbian.com.

They say kids mature faster these days. I hear about girls aggressively pursuing boys and doing so at an earlier age than when I grew up. It’s partly our technological age of communication with revealing content front and center, kids being exposed to adult situations, peer pressure and bodies maturing earlier. I remember the point when playful interaction between classmates changed to something more and the boy who asked me to go steady.

My first recollection of boy/girl interest took place in second grade when a boy showed his affection by repeatedly punching me in the arm. Protests to my teacher fell on deaf ears, but eventually she switched up the layout of the classroom — problem solved. In third and fourth grade, the boys chased the girls, or vice versa, all in good fun. By fifth grade, the playful aspect took on the beginnings of maturity and curiosity. Many of the girls started to develop and subsequently, boy-girl parties started to form with pairings.

At this time, I noticed a shift in a male friend, Dan, who lived a few blocks away. We two were labeled the “smart kids” and, as such, found one another good company. During summer vacation we played Parcheesi and chess, splashed around in his above-ground pool with his best friend and strolled down to the ice cream parlor with our few cents to buy penny candy. Once, we combined our money and bought a soda. We got two straws and leaned in to sip, our foreheads almost touching, just like the teens we looked up to on TV. I sensed the shift.

I began to realize Dan liked me, not in the way he used to like me. Now, he “liked” me. His best friend also sensed the change and reacted jealously. It created conflict and that boy left the picture, at least while I was around. I liked Dan, but not as a first boyfriend. It created a small amount of tension, though not enough to stop our friendship.

Dan made no secret of his feelings and our classmates thought we made a great pair. They tried to push us together. Suddenly, I couldn’t be with him only as his friend. There was anticipation and hopeful expectation. When would I agree to hold his hand? Would I let him kiss me? I did neither. My classmates didn’t understand why I wasn’t agreeing to go steady when it was obvious (to them) we were meant for each other.

Liking Dan as much as I did made it hard to explain why our friendship couldn’t be something more. My female classmates wanted the boys to show interest. They wanted to hold hands. They wanted a little kiss. Dan was cute, smart and consistently vocal about his interest. Notes were passed in class. My disinterest to further our pairing didn’t make sense to any of them.

The decisive moment came when our class took a field trip to a local camp to spend a few nights. We visited the nature center, took hikes and played Capture the Flag. The girls’ and boys’ cabins were separate, but we dined and had free time together. It was during a free moment in the lodge that we sat in a large circle on the floor and played Spin the Bottle. There were almost thirty kids there. When it was Dan’s turn to spin, the bottle pointed directly at me. What were the chances! His face brightened in amazement and joy. Excitement peaked in the room as he approached. They were rooting for him, for us. I heard the kids groan as I turned my head to let him kiss me on my cheek, instead of the lips. I couldn’t let him do it. As disappointing as it was for my friends to witness this moment, so ripe with potential, I knew it would be devastating to lead him on and spurn him later.

No one knew I had a crush on a girl.

To be continued. Stay tuned!

Zoe Amos brings her lesbian point of view to articles and stories on diverse topics. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. Read her stories on Kindle and Nook. Check out her other life at www.janetfwilliams.com

The post From A to Zoe: Crush or be crushed? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Melissa Etheridge serenades Linda Wallem during their wedding ceremony on May 31 at the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California.

The post Etheridge wedding serenade first appeared on Lesbian.com.