Let’s chat about sex toys — how to introduce them in a brand new relationship, should you reuse them from past relationships, and some other things. While sex toys are a fun way to bring a different dynamic to your sexual relationship, it could feel a bit awkward when you are embarking on introducing them to your new play partner.

A good mindset to come to if you are having the toy-related butterflies is remembering that it’s just a floppy ‘ol dick, or a bejeweled sparkly plug or a leather flogger. Basically, just calm down the worried bits of your mind and pump up the stoked bits.

OK, now how to have the actual conversation. The main point for any of these approaches is to keep it light, fun, and it’s totally OK if it’s a little awkward.

Casual chatting while kissing
While you are making out, just pull away and ask some questions. Instead of the way too open-ended “what do you like?” try something more specific “do you like to be touched like this?” (this is assuming you got explicit consent), “do you like to be bitten lightly?”, and then “what kind of toy is your favorite?” Boom! You’re talking about it. The multitasking approach is a good way to keep things light naturally.

Show and tell
If you’ve been rolling around and you feel that it would be a great time to bring out a toy, go for it. Take it out of its home and ask if your fun buddy would like to use it. If she says “no” don’t take it personally, don’t pry as to why, don’t ask about when to revisit the toy talk. A great way to segue back to what you were doing before is to shrug and playfully chuck it across the room — nothing like a flying dildo to lighten the mood again. Once you’re done rolling around, you can ask about whether it was that toy, all toys, or the moment and see where she stands on the whole toy business.

“Oh, this one time…”
I have a big thing for storytelling — it’s an amazing ancient way of getting to know people. Owning toys tends to lend itself to some really great stories — whether its using them, traveling with them, or sterilizing them, something happens at least once. Did the TSA go through your carry on and pull out your double-sided glass dildo in front of your partner’s parents? Have your roommates walked in on you while you used the biggest pot in the house to sterilize all of your silicone things at the same time? Throwing in a short story is an easy way to start the conversation and can let you know off the bat where the other person stands. Disclaimer: See tact and pepper in when appropriate.

Don’t (as in do not) do this:

Her: “Hey, so it’s been quite rainy”

you: “Yeah, totally. This one time when I was boiling my feeldoe… .”

Should you use a toy from back in the day?
Is the toy nonporous? Then, yes, because you can sterilize that sucker. Second, why are you keeping it? If it’s because it’s a damn good toy, then go for it! If it’s because you are still holding on to the relationship with that person and you’re still holding the torch by holding the dildo, then perhaps just shove it in the memory box. Some people may have a moral judgement about whether or not to use sex toys from the past, but I say if it’s clean physically and energetically go for it. If your new play partner expresses iffyness about it — go shopping for a new sex toy. There is no need to be right about this one.

How can you recycle them?
Sometimes a toy is just dead, a dud, boring, or too emotionally charged. What to do with it? You can always choose to lose it at a play party, destroy it in a ritual (just don’t burn it … even though you may want to) or find a new life for it as a regular household item.

Another fun thing you can do is send your tired dicks, beads, and plugs to SexToyRecycling.com. You get paid for all of your reusable materials, so you can put that toward a new one.

P.S. Fun toy related fact: In the Bay Area, there is a sex toy bicycle delivery service (Feelmore510) for when your hands are just too damn full to waste your time leaving the bed and shopping.

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

The post To play and when to play? That is the conundrum first appeared on Lesbian.com.

We are groomed to strive to be right. if we are not, we can at least strive to poke holes in the other person’s argument so that they can’t be right.

Having a conversation from that space reinforces the misconception that there is only a limited amount of “right” in the world and if you don’t get that “right,” then it goes to your partner (who you have now decided is more of a scrimmage mate). If your partner gets all of that “right,” then the world supply gets depleted by the amount of the “right,” so you better bring the big guns next time before all of the “right” disappears off the face of the earth.

All of this “rightness” can make you feel victorious shortly after the argument, but the “right” paradigm is ultimately damaging to the relationship. What you need to do is identify the types of bypasses, see when they come up in you, then take a moment to apologize and try out a different approach.

Here are some of those things to look out for in your we-need-to-talk conversations (this is just a limited list of the possible bypasses):

REHEARSING

Going over what you are going to say next instead of listening. This can happen at the top of the conversation where a person can just completely shut down. Rehearsing can also happen in the middle of a sentence where you may just latch on to one word and start constructing an argument around it completely missing the second part of that sentence.

SPARRING

Letting your anger tip you into hopelessness, whereupon you try to grasp at straws to knock your partner off their balance. It can happen with name calling or with simply bringing up old triggers that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. “This is why you are just like your father” or “This is just one example of how stupid and oblivious you can be.”

BEING RIGHT

Does this one even need an explanation? This is where you know you are right because your experience says so and there is no room for discussion. This is where people may just plant themselves firmly and not let themselves be moved or shifter even an inch.

DERAILING

That is the beginning of a spiral which can lead to a three or four-hour conversation in which nothing gets resolved. Instead of staying on topic, you may find yourself veering off by bringing up past faults which are completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Usually seen with a hint of blame (just to knock them off their center to try and snatch back the “right”).

When you find yourself in any of those spaces take a moment to stop, breathe, identify, apologize, and try again. It may feel vulnerable and scary, but the pay off is fantastic.

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

The post Person to Person: How wrong can right really be? first appeared on Lesbian.com.

I’ve recently started dating someone who is absolutely amazing, sexy, stunning — all the things! The problem is that she just told me that she has herpes. I’m worried that I might get it, so we haven’t hooked up in a way that could make that a possibility. I really want her, but I’m not sure what to do. Would the risk of me getting it be lower if she takes some sort of a daily pill? Should I suggest that?

Good news! You have the tools to make it better immediately: You can calm the hell down about her herpes.

I will first answer your question, then elaborate. The simple quick and dirty answer is “no.” Do not go to your new lover and ask them to take a daily medication because you are scared. It is solely her choice and you, as a brand new human in her life, do not have the right to make any requests like that.

The only reason the herpes meds would help her would be if she is getting outbreaks frequently enough where they start to interfere with her sex life. Taking medication does not prevent transmission, but only lessens the frequency of the outbreaks. That means, you can still contract HSV, if your partner is on them. That’s why I said, “help her.”

After all is said and done, dear reader, your likelihood of contracting herpes from your partner is quite low, especially if she is thoughtful enough to let you know her status before you were put at risk. Many people will see one outbreak, then not another one for the rest of their lives. Many people who have herpes may never even pass them on to anyone else.

The solution to this dilemma does not lie in whether she should be taking medication or not, but in how you are relating to the news about her STI status. There are so many people in the world who have HSV-1 or HSV-2 and don’t know it. You happened to have found someone who is aware. It’s now up to you to either get OK with this fact about her or let her get over you.

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

The post Help, my new girlfriend has herpes first appeared on Lesbian.com.

I am in a relationship with a person who is quite a bit older than I am. We’ve been together for seven years. We nearly broke up over the fact that I want a child. He feels like he is too old to be a father. After a lot of back and forth, we decided to stay together, and try to find someone with whom I can have a child.

We’ve been feeling a bit stuck as to where to look for someone who might be interested in this.

First off, I would like to say that this type of an arrangement is hardly “weird.” Parents in non-monogamous family structures have been coming out left and right in the recent past! Take out the idea that this is “weird” and it will make it much easier for you to approach people. If you think it’s weird, it will feel weird.

Think of this as a networking assignment.

Find a community of like-minded people in which you will naturally run into other poly parents. Thanks to the age of Google, which contains mystical and vast worlds of Facebook, MeetUp and oh so many more, like-minded friends are easier to find.

Don’t only focus on people who you would want to join you in your triad — make some friends. Those buddies can help keep an eye out for you as well. As with networking, tact is key.

Be out and proud.

Hopefully you are in a place where being out about wanting a polyamorous family is something that is possible. Hanging out a shingle and representing yourself to the fullest extent that you can is the best way to signal to the rest of the world you seek.

Patience.

Finally, you have to understand that it may take a bit of time. The first person who you may come across or who you invite to try this dynamic with you may not be the best match. Date around and have some fun with it.

Also, Check out Arial Clark’s blog on poly parenting, she is a phenomenal resource on all things poly parenting!

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

The post Polyamorous parenting: It takes a village first appeared on Lesbian.com.