“I took back my pulpy heart and stitched it up securely in my own small but sturdy chest”

Dear readers,
Since Conscious Girlfriend put out the call for “worst breakup stories,” we’ve heard from many of you! It’s inspiring to read how you’ve turned devastation into growth, learning and joy. Please feel free to send your own breakup story with us: ruth@consciousgirlfriend.com.

Now, read on for this powerhouse story by Nicole Ditz, www.holisticdepththerapy.com.

I was a much younger woman, 27 years old, presumably straight, and married to a closeted gay man whom I met at age 18 and who helped to extricate me from a highly dysfunctional family of origin.
I was a grad student in a counseling psychology program and so was she.

She was butch, 21 years my senior, completely other from me in every possible way, except for being exceptionally bright and psychologically damaged by trauma. I was matched up to do a project with her.
I was nervous, skittish at the thought of going to a butch lesbian’s cabin — yes, the proverbial log cabin in the woods, with chainsaws in the yard, and lesbian feminist iconography hanging from every rusting nail head.

Yes, she appeared surprisingly attractive in her own environment, stocky and handsome with a daredevil grin, blue jeans and a purple “fuck the patriarchy” T-shirt-y get up.

I was primed for this encounter: Having been immersed in feminist studies and women’s spirituality for the past couple of years, moving from interest in supporting the men’s movement and even being a part of a men’s circle in Boston (long story—I drew men to me easily for some of the right, and many of the wrong, reasons), to women’s and feminist and goddess groups and books: Starhawk, Adrienne Rich, May Sarton, Kate Millet, Jean Baker Miller and so on.

But I definitely was not lesbian, just feminist, although I had purchased a pair of tie up black combat boots worn beneath tight denim shorts given to me by a gay man I was deeply in love with (no not the one I married).

‘Lesbian’ sounded strange like a sideshow in a circus. I was just a former daughter of patriarchy, wearing my outfits extra tight to attract the boys, but I began to find most men highly predictable, one dimensional and utterly boring.

Confusion. Patriarchy. And its opposite or so I thought. A strange older lesbian dyke who lived bra-less in a rather spooky cabin in the woods and called herself a witch with a devil-may-care glint in her eye.

It made for a good story to tell my girlfriends. Until it was no longer a tall tale, but a fleshed out reality, set to music by Ferron and Chris Williamson and Cheryl Wheeler, with me dressed in her flannels and she drinking Scottish Whiskey and me begging to be “held” and then dancing and then gazing and then falling to my knees as her black cat spun spiral 8’s around our fused fecund tangled heap on the floor.

And then my world was wrung inside out and I was trying to juggle grad school, internships and an early psychotherapy private practice and weekends at both her cabins, driving in a tin can of a car across three different states.

And obsession. And merging. And poetry. And Michigan. And kissing in the summer rain ensconced in crowds of half naked women.

And she became lover, mother, father, brother, sister, mentor, priestess, protector, and then persecutor.

She was bright and nurturing and manipulative. I was a vision of her younger self, before her motorcycle accident. She was the best and worst of every longed for woman and man rolled into one temptress and torturer.

She grew less nurturing and more and more controlling with interspersed moments of deep attunement and compassion and love followed by rage and criticism and coldness.

The old, sad story of intermittent reinforcement and a young woman who believed she could fix fundamental characterological problems by learning how to hold this tool properly or string the right combination of words together to unlock the jigsaw puzzle of another’s heart. The pieces just wouldn’t fit seamlessly together no matter how hard I tried.

I was desperately emotionally needy, having been raised by two completely inept human beings who couldn’t handle emotions of any stripe.

I admired her, revered her, was besotted with her and would trade my sexuality and alluring female wares, hungry for any dime of attention she would spare me.

Plus she was a diehard lesbian feminist so could only have my best interests as a younger woman in mind. Right?

You know the answer, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge fully what I knew until I had to do her impossible and escalating demands. Such as shoveling her quarter mile uphill driveway by myself at 5 am in the dark before a 10-hour work day?

The word “no” was birthed, a new language in the dark womb of my mouth.

I leaned into my knowledge as a budding psychotherapist, my understanding of personality disorders and their subtleties, as well as abuse cycles. I had worked briefly in the field of domestic violence.
Funny how different it seems when the blows are not fists but words and shrewd control tactics.
I managed to stay away for a week. then two then months, then a year. I worked on my insecure attachment issues, trauma, and emotional deficits due to my difficult childhood.

I refused her request to meet with me in a public place, telling her I was too vulnerable and needed to solidify myself.

I did solidify myself, step by step. Believe me, it was achingly hard. I made small clay sculptures in dream groups of my heart hanging out of my chest looking still to be held by her large, calloused hands.

Fast Forward: I serendipitously met my now female spouse of 17 years, one-two years after the closing of that story.

There were challenges here with this new woman, but not the same type or degree. They were workable.
We have established a good, solid and upstanding life with two amazing careers, two homes in two states, and two beloved dogs.

But I knew I could not be around that original woman anymore than a drug addict should be living in an opium den.

I “learned to love with all my intelligence” as Adrienne Rich, in other words, once wrote.

It was muscular and sweaty: journaling, reading, workshops, therapy, deep self-reflection, working on building a foundation inside myself rather than in another. I took back my pulpy heart and stitched it up securely in my own small but sturdy chest. I no longer led with my emotions but with my growing and expanding ‘wisely discerning mind.’

I learned that passion and mature love are not the same animals. They may graze side by side in the same savannah and drink from the same trough, but they are not interchangeable.

I am thankful to myself that I learned to be my own answer and rescuer. Our power and responsibility for our own well being as precious individuals is our very birthright. Let us never hand that power over as adults to another human being. Let us use that power wisely and responsibly with compassion toward ourselves and toward others.

Blessed be to all my fellow journey women!

Nicole Ann Ditz

Visit Conscious Girlfriend to get your free copy of “The Five Keys to a Happy Lesbian Relationship!” and check out our amazing upcoming retreat, too!

The post Conscious Girlfriend: I took back my pulpy heart first appeared on Lesbian.com.

Music is powerful. It can evoke emotional responses, taking you right back to happy times and sad times and all the times in-between. It can also help you get through hard things, like breakups.

Breakups are terrible. You cry, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, and you’re generally miserable. Songs about breakups don’t make it hurt less; in fact, sometimes, they just make you cry more. But sometimes, that is exactly what you need to process the whole thing.

These are some of the songs that have helped me through my recent breakup. If you’re going through something similar, or if you just need a good cry, this is the playlist for you.

Allison Weiss’ “I Had To Do It”
This song sums things up for me. I loved her. I initiated the breakup. Even though, I know it’s for the best, it still sucks.

“It’s selfish and I’m sorry,
But you know I had to do it
And I’ll miss you every second,
But you know it’s for the best.

If my weary heart were well enough
I’d stay and let you keep it
But to know you is to love you
And I don’t want to love you anymore.”

There are other songs from Allison Weiss that are good breakup songs, especially ones from her album “Say What you Mean,” which has become my personal soundtrack these last few weeks. Oddly, most of them are really upbeat in tempo, but often really, really sad.

Ani DiFranco’s “Untouchable Face”
This song doubles as a classic breakup song or a song about unrequited love. The chorus can fit into most breakups when you reach the point of being mad. Sometimes, all you want to do is tell the other person “fuck you.”

“So fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am I
I bet you can’t even tell me that much.”

Ani’s song “As Is” is another great angry breakup song. Though, if the lyrics fit your ex to a T, I’m so, so sorry, and you’re better off without her, trust me.

“What bugs me
Is that you believe what you’re saying
What bothers me
Is that you don’t know how you feel
What scares me
Is that while you’re telling me stories
You actually
Believe that they are real.”

Jenny Owen Young’s “Fuck Was I”
At some stages of a breakup, you look back and are grateful for the good times. At other stages, however, you regret the whole thing, from beginning to end, and wonder why you ever fell for someone who would end up causing you so much pain. This is a song for those “What the fuck was I thinking?” moments.

“Love grows in me like a tumor,
Parasites bent on devouring its host.
I’m developing my sense of humor,
Til I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
Til I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.”

Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts”
Another song for angry-at-the-ex moments, particularly for those times when you feel you have been used and are just another heart in a jar.

“And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?”

Tegan and Sara’s “Call It Off”
Anger is a key component to any breakup, but let’s be honest here — you also miss her, sometimes more than you ever thought possible. You start to wonder if you made the right decision in ending things, but she won’t talk to you, or maybe she’s already moved on to the next person, and you just feel bad and sad. Then you remember all the red flags, broken promises, and why you’re better off without her.

“But now we’ll never know
I won’t be sad
But in case
I’ll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There’s a chance
I’ll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do”

A Fine Frenzy’s “Almost Lover”
This song is heartbreaking. For me, it’s about being led on. It’s about someone giving you false hope and all the “what ifs”. You make big plans for a future for the two of you, that never happened, and now they never will. You can’t see your life without her right next to you. Then you open your eyes and see that those dreams were never going to happen anyway.

“Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.”

Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One”
You try to be everything for this person, you’d do anything for her. And it still wasn’t enough. Melissa has a few things to say about this.

“But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
And I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one.”

Robyn’s “Dancing on My Own”
Whether you left her or she left you, it always hurts to see the one you love with another woman, while you’re on your own. It takes energy to remind yourself that it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who acts like you don’t matter.

“I’m in the corner
Watching you kiss her
I’m giving it my all
But I’m not the girl you’re taking home
I keep dancing on my own.”

Katie Todd’s “Leave”
The excuses. Other people. The deceit. It’s exhausting and sometimes, you just need to leave and do what’s best for yourself, regardless of how much you loved that person and much it now hurts to say goodbye.

“Necessary actions taken only so you’ll land on your feet.
And consequences with an action, overthrown in this distraction, please.
And even when the stars align there’s always something caught in your teeth.
This and that it’s always something with you, I’ve run out of steam.”

Adele’s “Rolling In the Deep”
What breakup playlist would be complete without a song from Adele? This song is an angry song. You’ve been wronged and you’re mad as hell and bent on revenge. But the song is also a contrast between the relationship’s potential and it’s reality. Your ex was perfectly capable of giving you everything you needed, but for whatever reason, just didn’t.

“There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all”

Breaking up is never easy, regardless of the circumstances, but hopefully, you can learn from your mistakes and grow as a person and come out better in the end. Music will be there to help get you through the rough times.

What are your go to breakup songs? Tell us in the comments.

Heather Smith is the creator and producer of Rubyfruit Radio, a podcast featuring the best in female artists.

The post Heartbroken? Here’s your soundtrack first appeared on Lesbian.com.

No matter if you’re a master in the kitchen or your cooking skills are ho-hum, it’s likely your meals, preparation and eating habits shift with the different phases in your life.

For me, childhood was filled with homemade Texas-style meals made with love by my parents (yep, both of them). In college, it was heaps of creamy chicken ramen, grilled zucchini on the George Foreman, and too many Coors Lights. Shifting to being in a relationship for the past 4-and-a-half years, I became a ninja in our beautiful kitchen. Most meals were made with the help of Pinterest, my two hands and something that’d make my girlfriend happy (think mac & cheese, vanilla bean cake and enchiladas).

Now that I’m single, much has changed, including eating and cooking.

In my recent short-term sublet, I had trouble befriending my small kitchen. Although I made a crack pie and baked chicken, I wasn’t ready to get back into it again. The act of cooking had so many emotional strings attached to it that I wasn’t ready to face.

However, after too many Lean Cuisines, bowls of Special K Red Berries and bland salads, I grew bored. And thin.

Once I moved into my new place (with one sexy looking kitchen), I’m starting to re-learn the joy of cooking again.

So what does one eat when they’re single? Well, this is the part I’m slowly discovering. I’ve adjusted my recipes and portions to steer away from huge and extravagant meals, but I still aim to make something that makes me happy, satisfied and feeling good.

In my hunt for easy, wholesome recipes and ingredients (of course, this means getting lost in my new grocery store plenty) I’ve discovered and fallen in love with quinoa.

Yep, the grain that’s hard to pronounce.

In short, quinoa falls in the grain family, but are actually edible seeds that are packed with protein, fiber, iron and vitamin B2. Not only is it amazingly good for you, but it makes a great foundation for meals and can replace less healthy ingredients (processed carbs, white rice, etc).

Here are some easy creations I’m obsessing over at the moment that involve my (new) favorite supergrain:

Quinoa + red apple + dried cranberry + red onion + blue cheese + balsamic + pepper

Chopped kale + quinoa + hard-boiled egg + avocado + sun-dried tomato + almonds + goat cheese + oil + vinegar

Baby greens + quinoa + black beans + tomato + avocado + shredded cheddar + Catalina dressing + Greek yogurt + crushed blue corn chips

Quinoa + arugula + fresh corn + black beans + apple + pico de gallo + avocado + grated cheese (gouda is my favorite with this one) + Sriracha

Quinoa + banana + maple syrup + milk or butter

Greek yogurt + quinoa + fresh berries + honey

The discovery of creating meals just for me has been a learning process and something that I’ll look back on with a smile. Everyday, a new kitchen tool unearths, a new idea incorporates into my meal and my inner kitchen maven returns.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.

The post Cooking for one: How I got my groove back first appeared on Lesbian.com.

One of the many things my breakup left me was the choice of what to do with our beautiful vacation to Tulum, Mexico. My ex and I went back and forth, deciding whether we’d refund the trip, keep the tickets and try to reunite our love in Tulum or bring a friend in one of our places.

Eventually, our trip was cancelled. However, my inner voice urged me not to refund my plane ticket, to take this opportunity and go solo. So, in a week, refunded our beautiful and romantic all-inclusive hotel room at the swanky Dreams Resort for a cheap (and very different) alternative, camping in the Tulum jungle for $40 a night.

Once I arrive in warm Cancun, Mexico, I get on a shuttle to take me along the two-hour journey along the Mexican coast to Tulum. A mother and daughter from Canada ride with me. The daughter is going to be the maid of honor at her friend’s wedding in Playa del Carmen. After talking to them for a bit, they discover I am traveling alone. They seem uncomfortable at the thought of a woman doing it solo in foreign country. I didn’t tell them my story — what had brought me here and what I would gain here.

After dropping off the Canadian ladies to their mega resort, I hop in the front seat next to the shuttle driver, Johnny. For an hour, we talk about his children, working at Buffalo Wild Wings (which we both had done), and his stressful job as a shuttle driver. I had met a friend, someone I would have never known if I wasn’t traveling on my own.

I say goodbye to Johnny as I check into my campsite, Turquesa Jungle Camping. The friendly and fabulous host walks down a winding tree-lined path to show me to my orange tent, surrounded by thick palm trees. I tell him “gracias” and sit in my tent, suddenly immersed in unfamiliar silence. I wonder how I’m here, in the jungle, in one of the most beautiful places on earth, alone.

I walk to the beach, look into its clear waters, search for some inner peace. I don’t find it so I find dinner instead at an amazing seafood restaurant called Simple Tulum. The bartender and staff make me feel warm and welcome. Through a few cervezas and amazing grilled mahi, I realize my experiences on this trip will be just what I need. That night, I walk the dark tree-lined road back to my tent.

The next day, I rent a bike to take a 10-mile ride to the mystical Mayan ruins. Unfortunately, I’m not thrilled by history or monuments. However, people-watching (especially tourists), I am a huge fan of, so the ruins made an excellent place for one of my favorite activities. Tulum is a place for any kind of person — families, newlyweds, gays, and plenty of sexy Europeans. It’s one of those place where no labels exist. Everyone seems to be enjoying just being free.

Hell, this is the kind of place where you can avoid “boob jail” and go bra-less all week, hold hands with your lady without a stare, go topless on the beach, or let your kids play naked in the ocean. This is why I adore Tulum.

Enough of the emotion of why this place is spectacular. Let’s get to the activities.

THE CENOTES
Beautiful and dream-like, these underground cave-like bodies of water (around five in Tulum) are filled with crystal clear water. They’re not to be missed. Not all of them are under the earth’s surface, like my favorite one, Casa Cenote. Take a paddleboard and snorkel trip through this one and it might become one of your favorite vacation memories.

THE FOOD
I can’t stress enough how delicious the food is here if you eat at the right places. Hartwood, Casa Jaguar and Gitano are all sexy places (think candlelight outdoor dining, fresh farm to table food and drinks, with a dash of hot hipsters), but they’ll cost you a pretty penny. Stray from the hotel zone to downtown Tulum for great and cheap food that’ll knock your socks off. My favorites are Taqueria Honorio (only open during the day) and Antojitos Mexicanos for tacos, El Camello for seafood, and the famous Flor de Michoacan for popsicles, juices and other sweet treats.

Passionfruit growing

Vegan or health nut? I stumbled upon a hidden gem after yoga. A raw food stand nestled in a pink hut on the property of the Ahau Hotel. Adan, who owns it concocts a smoothie of passionfruit, pineapple, ginger and other good stuff I can’t remember. He tells me about their new dairy-free coconut yogurt he makes along with their handmade chocolates and pizza. He even shows me to the garden where I find myself under a structure that holds beautiful passionfruit vines.

THE ZEN
Tulum is home to yogis, shamans and free spirits. Many hotels and spas offer yoga in the mornings for around $12 to $20 per class. The class I took at Ahau Hotel was mind blowing (the gorgeous instructor had something to do with this, I’m sure). Actually, it was the best yoga experience I’ve had so far. There’s also a chocolate, wine and yoga event at Ahau on Wednesday nights at 6pm. Don’t say no.

Mayan clay

I recommend pampering yourself with a Mayan clay massage. Both times I’ve been to Tulum, I’ve gone to Mayan Clay Spa. Mayan clay, indigenous to the region is used as a detoxifier, regenerator and healer of the skin. It might feel a little weird to have someone slap and massage clay over your body and hair, let it harden and wash it off, but I promise it feels amazing. Not only will it make your skin soft, it heals acne, diminishes wrinkles, helps sunburns and conditions the hair.

THE BEACHES
Crystal clear waters? Soft white beaches? Tropical flowers and palms? Check. Many people walk or run the stretch of beach, some let their dogs play in the salty waters, others frolic with their lovers in the waves, while many women shed their tops and let it all hang out. However you do it, the beaches and scenery here is lovely. If you’re staying at a hotel on the beach side (unlike my tent resort on the jungle side), you’ve got it made with lounge chairs, beds and food and drink service.

If you’re not staying at a beachfront hotel, Aura Beach (around five miles down the main hotel road) lets you rent chairs and umbrellas all day under $15. They also serve booze and food, so you’re good to go!

My own trip to Tulum was quite an experience.

Most people I met on my journey told me how admirable it is that I’m traveling on my own. Women with their significant others exclaimed they would be doing the same if they were single. I don’t want to toot my own horn but, looking back I can’t believe I did what I did, from experiencing raw moments in the hot jungle, finding happiness in conversations with wonderful people and facing post-breakup pain on a vacation intended for a completely different purpose.

This wasn’t my first time in Tulum. I went last September with friends, this time alone, and am already planning for another adventure later this year. One day, I’ll have the amazing experience to bring my future partner and family here.

I could go on forever. Tulum is this good. For me, it was healing and everything I needed to take a nice time out.

It’s an uncomplicated place, full of positive energy, beautiful people, and simplistic grace. Can you tell I highly recommend it?

If you’re going to Tulum, here are a few travel suggestions:

1. Get pesos or pay with your card. Paying in American dollars lands you a crappy exchange rate and incorrect change back. You can do this at the two ATMs on Tulum Avenue (Scotiabank or HSBC). Also, the ATMs along the hotel zone are not safe and charge you an arm and leg in fees.
2. Rent a bike or a car. Taxi fare will add up, if you’re getting out of the hotel area on the regular. Biking will make you look cute anyways. Plus, it’s a great workout.
3. Sunscreen (lots of it). It’s easy for your pasty American ass to get caught up in the Mexican sun, but the next day it’ll hurt like hell.
4. Don’t drink the water. Enough said.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.

The post A couple’s vacation transforms into a solo odyssey first appeared on Lesbian.com.

I remember the first time I met her. It was magical. I felt like I had come home.

Two years into our blissful long-distance relationship, I U-Hauled my love-infested self over 1,300 miles from Houston to Richmond, Va., to be with the woman with whom I would spend my life.

For five years, my girlfriend and I combined our two different lives into one. We made a home in the suburbs (not my choice, but I compromised), adopted two dogs that instantly became our children, and celebrated life events together, including career changes, a new niece and my brother’s battle and remission from cancer. We even looked at engagement rings.

Over the past year and a half, things shifted. As with any relationship, people grow.

For us, we grew, but in the most opposite directions and with neglect for one another. She didn’t let me in on her growth. I exhausted myself, trying to put us back together, but I couldn’t. I lost myself in her disassociation and it left me bitter and lonely. In turn, she couldn’t understand my desires and needs.

Of course, there’s more to the story of the breakdown in our once love-drenched relationship. There’s always more. Everyone’s own breakup deserves a novel. It’s a spiritual event so complicated, raw, and deep that it transforms one’s life on every level.

Terminating a relationship is going through the emotions of a death. It is the most underrated kind of pain, you know, the I-feel-fucking-crazy-then-what-kind-of-mistake-did-I-make kind of pain.

However, with lots of time, the right mindset and support, you will discover that it gets better. While immersing myself in YouTube self-help videos, articles and meditation, I’ve come across advice and words slightly easing this crazy pain. I find it worth sharing for other ladies going through this heartache and eventually a rebirth of a new you.

Feel it all and let it out
Cry, write crazy shit in your journal, get angry, eat or not eat. Feel what you feel and be OK about it. Own your emotions. I became visibly upset in the middle of the grocery store on my first single-person-grocery trip in my new neighborhood and I embraced it. Yeah, I probably looked mentally unstable, but that’s OK.

Give yourself a break
You combined your energy, body and life with another human being and the sudden change is mind-boggling.

Take baby steps
There’s nothing wrong with your Tegan and Sara-infested cry nights.

Be kind to your mind
You might have a case of the coulda, woulda, shouldas. For example, “I could’ve been more accepting about her fill-in-the-blank, then maybe this would’ve worked.” No. This is one of the most agonizing ways of thinking and can torture your mind for hours and even make you physically ill.

Forgive yourself
Let go of blame. Realize you are a good person, a great person, in fact.

Shift your focus
When these overwhelming thoughts surface, focus your energy on a something else. Clean your place, call a friend or go on a walk. These are toxic thoughts that deserve no attention.

Separate yourself
Your broken heart and confused mind cannot start to the road to any phase of recovery when you’re still living together, texting or having multiple bouts of breakup sex (oh-so good, but so confusing). For some, this might be clean and swift for others, this can be a lengthy back and forth process.

Hide her status
Social media plays a big role detaching ladies. Now is the time to unfollow, unfriend or take a nice hiatus from it all. No matter how much you want to see what she is doing. Why go through hurt you can prevent?

Make an agreement about the pets
If you shared animals, this part is hard. Decide how to split your pets or establish some kind of joint custody arrangement. Unfortunately, no one really wins here.

Detach what was once attached
Train yourself how to release mental attachments, from the future you thought you would have together to trying to control her reactions (or her reactionless reactions). You might feel the urge to send emotion-filled texts, get even by having a one-night stand or con your ex into feeling guilty about the breakdown in your relationship. I assure you, none of this will move you forward.

Buddhist teachings consider releasing attachments to outcomes (past, present or future) will lead to a more peaceful existence. Your relationship coming apart is the cause of something coming together for your future. Exciting thought, isn’t it?

Find your groove
Always wanted to try spinning? Did she hate Chinese food or your group of friends? Do the things you’ve wanted to do, maybe even the things that caused problems between you and her. Experience and find love for yourself again through things you enjoy.

Finding your thing doesn’t mean finding a hook up either, this will only be depressing since they won’t look at you or touch you the way she did. Time for that will come later, heal yourself first then the world will find you someone else again, all with time.

Surround yourself
Rely on your friends and family for support. See a counselor. Discover or hone in on your hobbies, work or volunteering. Be busy, but don’t use it as a cover up to distract yourself from your reality and emotions. Go through the ups and downs, but channel them productively.

Avoid alcohol in excess
Also, drowning your sorrows in massive amounts of alcohol should be avoided. It’s the toxic catalyst that sends that drunk “I miisss u. do u miss me?” text at 1am that will send you 10 steps back.

Embrace your journey
Slowly, things will get better. Celebrate those moments when you don’t lose it when someone mentions her favorite restaurant or you take up running and loose a couple of pounds, sexy you.

A lyric of a Stars song (which has nudged me along my own journey) says it all: “Live through this, and you won’t look back.”

“If you love yourself, you will let her go”
This is something I tell myself when I’m woken to a dream about her not wanting me anymore, when I hear that Rolling Stones song we loved, or thinking about how I’ll never get to kiss her again.

Through your own up and down battle with your mind, unpredictable future, and broken past, remind yourself that you’re a good person and likely your ex was also a good person, but that doesn’t mean you were good together.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.

The post Cutting cords: Break-up survival guide first appeared on Lesbian.com.

BY CANDY PARKER
Lesbian.com

It’s over. This weekend will mark the formal end of the relationship. She packs up her belongings and sets off to make her home somewhere else, leaving you alone in the place you once called home together. You’ve known this day was looming. You hastened her departure by prodding her to find her own place after she dropped the break-up bomb. The last month or so has been a roller coaster of emotions: Wishing her gone one moment, then crying yourself to sleep wishing she’d stay the next.

But this weekend she leaves.  As she does, know this:

1. You will always love her. You’ll sift through the good and the bad. You’ll waiver between angst and anger. You’ll analyze and re-analyze every step of the relationship, trying to figure out what went wrong, what you did wrong. This analysis will lead your heart and your mind in endless circles. Basically, you’ll drive yourself crazy. When you’re done with that, you’ll find that you will always love her.
2. You will drive yourself mad wondering how it is that you can simultaneously both wish you’d never met her and wish you’d never lost her.
3. You will lose patience with friends who repeatedly tell you, “Time heals,” and “You’re right — you won’t meet anyone else like her; you’ll meet someone better than her.” You’ll think they don’t understand. You’ll think what they’re saying is patronizing, but they do and it’s not.
4. It will take a long while before you can truly be friends. She was “the one” and you won’t soon be equipped to hear about how well she’s doing or with whom. In order to be friends, you’ll have to forgive both yourself and her — one or both of these might take longer than you think.
5. You’ll make plans to get together with her at some point far too soon to be doing so. A cocktail of emotions will swirl within you; repressed anger and unprocessed sorrow will mix with the elation that comes from seeing her again. Your healing process will take a few steps backwards as a result, but you’ll do it anyway.
6. You’ll continue to find little things around the house which will serve to remind you of her in the months (maybe, years) ahead. Something as simple as a bottle of salad dressing will have you waxing nostalgic. It was her favorite, after all.
7. There will be days when you eat and/or sleep too much or not at all.  Be good to yourself. Some days a bubble bath, a good book, a good friend, and a journal are life rafts to get you through to the next day.
8. For weeks and months, you’ll compare anyone new you meet to her. No one will be as cute, as funny, as sexy or as intelligent as she was. Those you meet and who think they have a chance with you will suffer as a result, but they should know better than to get involved with someone so freshly heartbroken.
9. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries will be difficult, especially the first year. When your birthday rolls around you’ll want her to send a card, as this will validate that she’s not forgotten you.  When you receive the card, you’ll wish you never opened it, because it will be signed “your friend,” “peace,” “hope all is well” or some other equally feeble combination of words that leaves you yearning for the old “Love Always.” When Christmas comes you’ll unpack the ornaments, only to find the one she bought for you the first time you celebrated the holiday together. You’ll stand there holding it, wondering if you should gently wrap it back up in its tissue paper, hang it on the tree, or shatter it on the sidewalk in front of the house. You’ll opt for one of the first two choices.  
10. You will often take two steps forward and one step back as you attempt to let go.  You’ll start to make plans in advance, no longer keeping your evenings and weekends free in the hopes that she’ll call and want to get together.  But then you’ll hear a song on the radio that reminds you of her, and you’ll be surprised at how easily it still brings you to tears even though months have passed.
11. You will realize how your ex felt when you broke up with her. You’ll understand that she wasn’t insane when she tried to call you day after day, sent you mix CDs with songs that reminded her of you, and literally begged you not to leave. You may even call and apologize.
12. Months or years later, when you least expect it, you’ll meet someone to whom you are drawn, and you will be both surprised and elated that your capacity to be attracted to someone besides “her” has been rehabilitated. When this new person doesn’t reciprocate your feelings it will act as a minor setback, but you’ll walk away knowing that your capacity to feel and your willingness to do so remains intact.
13. Even if she doesn’t admit it or show it in any way she will miss you, too, and she is hurting in her own way.
14. There is life after her, love after her, and you will meet someone at some point who will leave you wondering how it was that you thought you’d never love again. You will realize that the heart, just like any other muscle, is made stronger by first being broken down. You will heal, you will laugh, you will love again and the person with whom you find that joy will be an incredibly fortunate woman. You will savor this new love all the more for now you will fully grasp its true value.

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